Concussion
by Anonymous Skrtle
Summary: After his friends and family, Kendall Knight's favorite thing was probably ice hockey. Who would have thought that something that meant so much to Kendall would destroy his life?
1. Hit In The Head

**A/N- So… I'm starting a new story! Who's excited? I know I am! This is gonna be Kendall angst, and I'm gonna do some horrible things to the poor guy… I'm really sorry, Kendall. But that's how life works. And the other guys are gonna be going through some tough times, too (sorry other guys!)**

**Anyways, this story's called "Concussion", and you'll see why later. I really hope you like the first chapter, and as always, please review? **

**Peace, Love, and Giraffes,**

**Anonymous Skrtle**

* * *

_**Chapter 1**_

"Are you ready for this, Logie?" Kendall patted Logan on the back, clipping a black hockey helmet onto the smaller boy's head.

Logan grinned. "Of course I'm ready! Why wouldn't I be? We haven't played hockey in, like, _a month!_"

The four boys were currently getting ready for a hockey game. Gustavo had given them the day off, and they had decided to go play hockey at the ice rink near by. They heard that there was going to be a game, and anyone could join.

Kendall, James, Logan, and Carlos were ready to kick some ice butts.

"Hey, Kendall?" Kendall turned at hearing Logan's soft voice.

"Yeah?"

Logan shifted uncomfortably. "Take it easy, okay? Don't get too aggressive."

Kendall furrowed his bushy eyebrows in confusion. "What are you taking about? I _always_ take it easy."

Logan sighed. "It's just… sometimes, you go a little extreme. Like when you beat that guy up last year for checking Carlos into the wall?" It was true. It had taken the poor guy weeks to recover after Kendall's beating.

"But that guy hurt Carlos! I wasn't gonna let him get away!" Kendall defended himself. Everyone knew he was super protective of Carlos; was Logan saying he'd done something wrong trying to stick up for his friend?

"Yeah, but it's _hockey_, Kendall. You're _supposed_ to check people into the boards in hockey. And Carlos wasn't even hurt."

"How do you know?" Kendall retorted.

"Kendall… just… don't push it. Alright?" Before Kendall could respond, Logan turned and walked out of the locker room. Kendall shrugged, picking up his hockey helmet and following the smart boy out into the rink.

Logan worried too much.

* * *

Kendall grinned at the familiar feeling of sprinting on ice, cold wind blowing in his face. It felt so much like home.

The game had started, and was currently 2-1, with Kendall's team winning. Kendall had scored both goals, and was currently trying to prevent the other team from tying the game. He had Logan on his team, and the shorter boy kept on glancing at Kendall with a worried expression on his face. Kendall rolled his eyes.

Logan worried too much. Kendall was supposed to be worried about him, not the other way around. Just then, James sprinted past a distracted Kendall and shot the puck into the net. Kendall groaned. Great. Stupid Logan messed him up.

The game was now tied 2-2. There were only 2 minutes left and the game would be over. Kendall had to score and win, or he'd never live this down. He felt a burst of adrenaline course through him, and he started skating toward the other side of the rink.

He was skating so fast that everything looked like a blur to him. Someone passed him the puck, and he was getting so close to the goal that he could _feel_ the victory already.

Suddenly, it happened. Someone had dropped their hockey stick on the ground on accident. Kendall didn't see it in his rush, and tripped. He flew through the air, and Kendall felt like he was flying in slow motion.

Then, as if nothing had happened, Kendall smashed into the ground. He heard a horrible crack, and expected pain. But he felt nothing. In shock, he reached up and touched his head. A burst of realization hit him.

His helmet had made the cracking noise. It had saved him front cracking his head open. He took the helmet off quickly, and it cracked into two pieces. A time out was called, and people started skating towards Kendall to ask if he was okay.

"Kendall!" One voice stood out from the rest. Carlos. Kendall turned and was met with a huge hug from the hyper boy. "I'm so so SO sorry!"

"Sorry for what?" Kendall was about to ask, but then stopped himself. Carlos had been the one to drop the stick on the ground. So instead of getting mad at him like he would have with anyone else, Kendall just smiled and wrapped his arm around Carlos's shoulders. "It's alright, pal. I'm fine, see?" He showed everyone the cracked helmet.

The coach skated onto the ice to check on Kendall. "Knight, you alright? " Carlos giggled at the unintentional rhyme, and Kendall assured the coach that he was fine.

The coach sighed. "I'm sorry, Knight, but you'll have to sit out for the rest of the game."

Kendall turned to face the coach. "What? But… there's only 2 minutes left! I'll be fine!"

The coach shook his head firmly. "You can't use your helmet, and we don't have a spare."

"But… it's only 2 minutes. I don't need a helmet!" Kendall stubbornly protested. If it were Logan or Carlos, they would've gave in by now. It was just a little game. James might have given up… but Kendall had always been the most stubborn out of them all. And he wasn't about to give in to what some man told him.

"I'll be fine, really." Kendall assured the coach. The coach looked hesitant, but then slowly nodded.

"Alright, but be careful. I don't want you getting seriously hurt." Kendall nodded, giving the coach a grateful smile. The game continued.

Once again, Kendall felt the air blowing on him, but this time, on his head, too. He was gonna win this. He was gonna win this.

Kendall had always been competitive. He always had to win first at everything or he'd throw a tantrum or say the other people were cheating. He hated losing, even if he was second place. He always just had to win. And at the age of 17, that fact was still true. Kendall was the most competitive out of all his friends, maybe even out of all of California.

He stole the puck from an opposing team member, earning a few cheers from his friends. He skated towards the goal, getting ready to slam the puck into the net…

… Before he could process what was happening, Kendall was checked into the boards by someone. He hit his head on the boards, and felt a burst of pain. He lay on the ice, groaning. The buzzer sounded. The teams had tied.

"Kendall, are you okay?"

"Do you need a hospital?"

"Can you hear me?"

Kendall didn't answer any of the questions directed at him. He stood up shakily, feeling around on his head to see if there was any blood. There wasn't. And now that he thought about it, his head didn't really hurt that much, either. It just felt like one of the headaches he got when Carlos talked for an hour straight without stopping.

"I'm fine, really. I'm not bleeding, and my head only hurts a little now. It's alright." Kendall pushed through the crowd of players, and headed into the locker room, disappointed that he had lost. Well, they tied, but in Kendall's eyes, that was just as bad as losing.

` No one followed him inside except for his three best friends. "Kendall, you alright, man?" James asked worriedly.

"Yes, I'm fine! I'm just disappointed that I lost the stupid hockey game." Kendall muttered angrily. Logan rolled his eyes.

"See, Kendall? I told you to take it easy."

Kendall groaned. "Stop being such a worry wart, Logan. I'm fine. It was just a hit to the head. Carlos gets them all the time. I'm fine, for the last time!"

"But Kendall… you hit your head _really_ hard." Carlos pointed out, his voice scared and soft. Kendall sighed again. His friends worried too much.

"Carlos, I'm fine… I promise. The only thing that hurts right now is my pride." James punched Kendall in the shoulder, Logan rolled his eyes, and Carlos just nodded with wide eyes.

"Now, who wants to go to Fun Burger?" Kendall asked.

"Ooh, me!" Carlos said cheerfully, his previous worries disappearing already. The four changed out of their hockey gear and headed to Fun Burger.

Soon, Kendall's little "accident' was forgotten.


	2. Symptoms

_**Chapter 2**_

"Kendall! Get up! We have to go in thirty minutes!" Kendall groaned and mumbled something, slipping back into the world of dreams and sleep. He was jerked out of that world when someone shook him awake harshly.

"Ugh, go away!" Kendall moaned, hitting the person with a pillow. The person kept on shaking him. Finally, Kendall gave up and opened his eyes.

For a few moments, everything was a blur to him. He couldn't even tell who was shaking him with his eyes open. He couldn't even see his own hands.

Kendall was about to scream, but then his vision went back to normal. Kendall was completely puzzled. Out of them all, Kendall's vision was probably the best. Logan read too many books, Carlos watched too much TV, and James… James already had glasses. But Kendall had almost perfect vision, and he didn't understand why everything had been blurry to him a few seconds ago.

"Dude, what's wrong? You look like you just saw a giraffe with wings." James chuckled. Kendall just hit him with the pillow, ignoring the question completely.

"Why'd you have to shake me? I would've gotten up myself." Kendall grumbled, getting out of bed and heading into the bathroom. James grinned.

"Why would I just wait for you to get up when I could just wake you up myself?" Kendall rolled his eyes, slamming the bathroom door in James's smirking face.

When Kendall finished taking his shower and eating breakfast, he followed his friends down the elevator and into the limo waiting outside for them. He didn't know why, but there seemed to be a ringing noise in his ears. He ignored it. He was probably still half asleep or something.

Gustavo greeted the four boys with a "YOU'RE FOUR MINUTES LATE!" speech, and then the guys got to work. Dancing, harmonies, dancing, singing, running, even more dancing… It was a normal day.

Except the fact that Kendall fell as he was doing a simple spin for one of their songs. He didn't know what had happened; one second he was perfectly fine, and the next his vision was blurred, and a pounding headache hit him. But the headache disappeared when he fell to the ground, and his vision returned to normal, too.

His friends rushed over to him like they had when he'd fallen during that hockey game. "Kendall, are you okay?" Logan asked frantically.

Kendall stood up. "Guys, I'm fine. I just fell. It's no big deal."

Logan raised his eyebrows. "Yeah, but _Kendall Knight_ doesn't fall. Even _I_ don't fall that easily." He said. Kendall sighed. It was true that Kendall rarely made any mistakes, and when he did, they weren't stupid ones like falling from a spin.

"I've never seen you fall before." Carlos added. Kendall didn't bother pointing out that he'd fallen lots of times before.

"I'm… I'm fine. I just tripped over my shoelaces. Forgot to tie 'em, ya know?" He was relieved to see that his shoes were indeed untied, making his lie more believable. The guys shrugged it off and they resumed rehearsal.

As time went on, Kendall felt the headache come back. But it was just a regular, good old headache, right? He got them all the time, from Carlos talking too much or reading books or listening to James worry about his hair... it was just a regular little headache. Everyone got them.

Satisfied with his thoughts, Kendall completely ignored the headache and kept on dancing and singing. When rehearsal ended, he felt as great as someone could feel after a Gustavo Rocque rehearsal.

When the boys got home, Kendall suggested they play football. The guys agreed, and Kendall had completely forgotten about his weird headaches and blurred vision. The park was pretty much empty, so the boys found a huge space to play catch.

Kendall watched his friends throw around the football. James always threw too hard, so Logan and Carlos could rarely catch it. Kendall tried to throw it lightly when he threw to Logan or Carlos, but sometimes he couldn't control it. Logan was horrible at catching, and Carlos was horrible at throwing, so usually, James and Kendall ended up throwing it at each other for long periods of time.

"Kendall! I'm gonna pass to you!" Carlos called out. Kendall nodded for him to throw it. It was always funny watching Carlos try to throw it farther than 25 yards. He'd throw it so hard sometimes that he'd hurt his arm in the process.

Carlos threw it and it flew towards Kendall. Kendall reached out to catch it, but he missed. It whammed right into his face and Kendall felt something trickle down his face. But the only thing he was worried about was that he _missed_. Kendall _never_ missed a catch, especially if Carlos was throwing it. He didn't know what had happened. He had his hands right in front of that ball… yet he had missed.

Kendall winced as he reached up to touch his nose. It felt like it had been cracked, and blood was pouring out of it. His friends ran over to him, shocked that Kendall had missed such an easy catch. Logan pulled tissues out of his pocket, and Kendall pressed them to his nose gingerly.

"Dude, how'd ya miss that? That was, like, the easiest catch ever!" James pointed out, worry and confusion etched on his face. Kendall didn't answer. He didn't_ know_ how to answer.

"You're nose isn't broken, but it'll take a few days for it to stop hurting." Logan reported after checking Kendall's nose.

"I'm so sorry, Kendall! D-does it hurt?" Carlos asked meekly. Kendall reached over and put his hand on Carlos's arm.

"It's alright, buddy. It's my fault I missed the ball. And don't worry; I've gotten worse than this." Kendall told him. Carlos picked up the football and held it to his chest.

"Maybe we should head on home, guys. Kendall needs medicine for his nose." Logan told them firmly. The four started home, all confused at how horribly Kendall missed that catch. But Kendall was the most confused.

He was good at football; he caught almost every single catch. He… he didn't know what to think. He'd fallen during dance rehearsal, and missed a football catch. Those were just things that… usually would _never_ happen. Kendall was confused.

Was there something wrong with him? Kendall didn't feel sick, but his headache had come back. But no way was he telling anyone about all that weird stuff. Logan would make him sit in bed all day even though he wasn't sick. The genius was already worried out of his mind after Kendall had hit his nose.

Logan watched Kendall intently. James and Carlos may not have thought much of Kendall's missed catch, but he could tell something was off. No way would Kendall fall during rehearsal _and_ miss a football catch both in one day if everything was fine.

Kendall wasn't telling him something. But Logan didn't want to push it, in fear that it would prevent Kendall from spilling even more.

But there had to be something bothering the blonde boy. Was he sick? Was someone hurting him in some way? Did he know something the rest of them didn't? But those possibilities, except the first one, seemed unlikely. No one dared messed with Kendall, and Kendall didn't keep important secrets from them.

Unless he was sick.

Logan shook his head. Maybe Kendall was just having an off day. Logan had them all the time back in Minnesota, and even sometimes in L.A. He'd snap at people and trip over nothing and slip on the ice during hockey. Maybe Kendall was just having that kind of day. He'd probably be fine tomorrow.

Logan told himself not to worry. Kendall was 17, almost 18, and he could take care of himself fine. Kendall would tell Logan if there was something seriously wrong.

Logan would've stopped worrying if it weren't for the fact that he didn't even believe his own thoughts.

**A/N- So, next chapter is up quick! I got so many awesome reviews for the first chapter! You guys are AWESOME! I love you all! I would love y'all even more if you reviewed this chapter, too! How'd ya think of it? Good? Bad? Horrible?**

**Well, peace out! I'll try to update soon! -Anonymous Skrtle **


	3. Stubborn

_**Chapter 3**_

Kendall thrashed around in bed, not able to sleep. He couldn't stop worrying about everything that had happened. Him messing up in the studio, missing the catch… the weird headaches and blurred vision.

What could be wrong with him? It could just be a cold or the flu or something… but he didn't have a fever. It could be something ordinary… but what worried Kendall was that it could be something worse. But he doubted it.

Call him paranoid, but whenever he felt something weird happening to him, he'd think it was some life threatening disease. But the next day he'd forget about it, and his body was still as healthy as ever. This was just like those times. He was fine, today was just an… off day. He'd be perfectly fine tomorrow.

Kendall fell asleep with that satisfying thought.

_Line line line _

When Kendall woke, he didn't know if he was surprised or not. His headache was still there, and it felt worse than yesterday. When he opened his eyes, his vision wasn't blurry. Everything was getting more and more puzzling by the second. He had symptoms and then he didn't. Maybe Logan would know what disease, if any, he had. Logan knew almost every disease there was. And this one was probably no exception. But Kendall didn't even know if he was sick or not.

The blonde boy wondered if he should tell Logan about all the weird stuff happening to him.

As quickly as the thought had occurred, it disappeared. Kendall almost slapped himself. If he told Logan, he and James and even little Carlos would baby him to death. They'd make him lay in bed all day and night, and they'd feel bad for him and feed him and treat him like a little baby. Kendall would _not_ let that happen.

Kendall was the leader. He was the rock, the one that was always strong. If he was sick, he would never live it down again. He wouldn't be that strong leader figure that his friends looked up to. He had to take care of himself just like a leader would.

He may have been overreacting, but Kendall didn't want to risk it. It was just a headache. He'd had millions of them. He was being such a worry wart about such an useless little thing. If he'd stop worrying about it, he'd probably forget about it, the headache would disappear, and everything would be normal again.

He did _not_ want to be taken care of. Out of all his friends, he probably hated being sick the most. It was embarrassing when his friends found out and even _more_ embarrassing when they had to take care of him. He felt so useless, like he couldn't do anything for himself. Lying sick in bed meant you couldn't do _anything_, and Kendall _always_ felt like he should be helping and protecting his friends every minute of every day.

Sure, James could be stubborn when it came to admitting he was sick. But in the end, James gave it up and just accepted the fact that he was sick, even though he wasn't really okay with it. Sometimes, Logan was stubborn and didn't want to admit that he wasn't feeling good. But he knew his limits, being a doctor-in-training, and when it got too much for him, he knew it. He'd tell his friends and they'd nurse him back to health. Carlos was the baby; he went to his friends crying when he had a stomachache. He wasn't hesitant at all when it came to telling his friends he didn't feel good.

But Kendall was a different story. The last time he'd gotten sick was when he was 12. He was so sick he could barely walk, but he hadn't told him mom about it and still agreed to go play hockey with his friends.

During the game, he had to leave three times to go throw up in the bathroom. Every time, he felt as if he couldn't take another breath, but he'd still go back in and play hockey. He skated as fast as he could, even though it made him feel so dizzy he almost fell over. He got checked a bunch of times, and every single hit increased the black spots dancing around in his eyes.

In the end, Kendall ended up fainting in the middle of the rink. The next thing he knew, he was in the hospital, and the doctor was telling him he had the stomach flu. His friends and his mom asked him why he wasn't resting at home.

_"Kendall, honey, why didn't you tell us?" Mrs. Knight asked gently, sitting down next to Kendall's hospital bed._

_ Kendall avoided her and his friends' gazes. "I… I'm not sick."_

_ James scoffed. "Kendall, stop pretending you're not sick. You just _fainted_ on the ice. Don't tell us you're not sick. That's bull-" James stopped himself when Logan cast him a stern glance. The smart boy looked back at Carlos to see if the innocent boy had heard or not, but Carlos was too busy staring at Kendall._

_ "Kendall, we coulda helped ya." Carlos had said innocently. Kendall just sighed and shook his head._

_ "I don't need help. I can take care of myself perfectly fine." He replied stubbornly._

_ Logan placed a hand on the blonde's shoulder. "Kendall, I know you're independent, but you have to accept the fact that sometimes, you need other people to lean on. You can't always be the protector."_

_ Kendall shook his head again. "I just don't like other people fussing over me over something as stupid as the stomach flu. I'm fine. I don't even need to be in the hospital right now."_

_ "But Kendall, they're making you better. Don't you wanna get better?" Carlos asked._

_ "I do, buddy, but I don't need their help. I'll just go home and eat some medicine. I'll be fine by tomorrow. It's just the stinkin' stomach flu. Everyone's had it before. Please, mommy?" Kendall begged his mom with pleading eyes._

_ His mom looked hesitant, but finally she said, "Alright, Kendall. But next time, promise to tell us if you're sick."_

_ Kendall looked down, avoiding her question completely. He stood up, feeling a bit dizzy.. "Let's go."_

Kendall had never promised his mom, because he didn't think he could keep that promise. He just hated being sick and weak and he hated other people worrying over him. He was all better in two days, and the doctors didn't even do anything to help him. See? He _could_ take care of himself.

And this time, he could take care of himself, too. He didn't even feel half as bad as that day he was in the hospital. His headache was actually disappearing now, too, and he felt perfectly fine.

Kendall got up quickly, took a shower, and changed. It was Saturday, and usually, Saturdays were the boys' hang out day. Kendall wasn't about to ruin it.

His headache wasn't constant right now, but every few minutes or so, a blast of pain would burst in his head, and he'd have to stop walking and sit on the couch for a few seconds before the pain went away. The headaches he always had had _never_ felt like this.

"Kendall? Are you okay?" Kendall looked up. Carlos stood in front of him, glancing down at him worriedly.

Kendall nodded. "I'm totally fine. What do you wanna do today, buddy? You can choose."

Carlos's eyes lit up. "Really? Ooh! Can we play hide and seek? Or go to the zoo? Or maybe we can go watch the Batman movie! Or-" Carlos stopped talking when he saw Kendall groaning in pain. The smaller boy sat down next to Kendall and rubbed his back.

"What's wrong, Kendall?" Kendall's stomach dropped. He couldn't let Carlos think there was something wrong with him.

"I… I just stepped on something sharp. Can you get me a band aid, buddy?" Carlos obeyed and brought Kendall what he requested. Kendall placed it on some random part of his foot, and winced, just to make it look more convincing.

Carlos looked convinced, and there wasn't any worry in his eyes anymore. Relieved that he'd convinced Carlos that nothing was wrong, Kendall smiled.

"Kendall, I know! We can play street hockey!" Carlos announced loudly after a few moments. Kendall's head pounded, but he didn't dare show it.

"That's a great idea, Carlos! Let's go." Kendall took Carlos's small wrist and dragged the younger boy out of the room. They met up with James and Logan and headed down to play their favorite sport.

Kendall didn't know what was coming.

**A/N- So there's the next chapter! Thank you to all who reviewed, favorited, and alerted this story and me! Love you all! **

**I'll try to update soon, since my life isn't so busy these days. ;) Please review this chapter and tell me what you think! And what do you think is gonna happen while they're playing street hockey? All will be revealed soon. **

**Peace, Love, and Giraffes,**

**Anonymous Skrtle **


	4. Headache

_**Chapter 5**_

Kendall was seriously worried. His head was hurting really bad, worse than it had before. And that was saying a lot.

He tried to take some pills for the headache, but the medicine didn't seem to work. Nothing he did seemed to work. But being Kendall, he tried his best to hide it from his friends and convince them that he was fine. He tried to convince himself of that, too, though. It didn't really work. There was _definitely_ something wrong.

Kendall's head hurt so bad that he thought he was going to throw up as he followed his friends downstairs and into Palm Woods Park. He even stopped once to pretend to tie his shoes just so he could get his stomach under control. He couldn't puke in front of his friends. His little façade would be ruined if that happened.

When he stood up again, his vision blurred. James, Logan, and Carlos were now just figures standing on a blur of grey. Kendall shook his head, closing his eyes and opening them again. To his relief, his vision returned back to normal, and he kept on walking. His vision was getting blurred more often now, and it was scaring Kendall. He was scared of when he'd close his eyes, open them again, and his vision would _stay_ blurred.

The sun and Carlos's obnoxious talking seriously wasn't helping his head, and Kendall's headache got worse and worse every step he took.

Kendall could barely keep up with his friends when the four started their friendly game of street hockey. It was a good thing Carlos was on his team; Logan would have noticed something was wrong immediately. That boy was way too observant for his own good.

"Pass, Kendall!" Kendall stared at Carlos tiredly and clumsily passed the puck. Luckily, no one noticed the poor pass. Carlos stopped the puck and started running with it.. He was about to score, but James checked him gently into a nearby tree. Kendall went to retrieve the puck, even though every step hurt his head and made him feel nauseous. He couldn't just stand there and watch. His friends _surely_ would think something was off with their leader.

Somehow, Kendall beat James to the puck, his head pounding and his stomach churning. He raised his hockey stick to score, but James checked him. The push wasn't too hard, but it was harder than what Carlos had received. James and Kendall always went all out with each, but not with their two shorter friends.

Kendall had never felt pain worse than when his head hit the tree. Black spots and a bright white flash entered his vision. He couldn't keep in his groan of pain. Kendall fell to the ground, holding his pounding head and moaning. He heard someone asking if he was okay, but all he could think about was how much his head hurt.

"Kendall! What's wrong, man?" Kendall felt someone put their hands on his shoulders. Kendall was in too much pain to respond. He just grunted and shook his head. Even that small movement felt like hammers banging in his head.

"Kendall! Seriously, dude, you're scaring us." The same person kept on talking, hurting Kendall's head. Kendall's vision blurred. He was surprised his head was still attached to his body. It hurt so much that Kendall was about to cry. And Kendall Knight rarely ever cried. Especially not over getting hurt.

"It h-hurts." That was all Kendall could say before the blackness enveloped him completely.

_Line line line _

"Logan! What's wrong with him?" James looked up from his crouched position, gently shaking Kendall and calling his name.

Logan stared at Kendall with a confused and worried expression on his face. James hadn't pushed Kendall hard. How could it have hurt that much? It just didn't seem possible that James's shove had caused all of Kendall's pain.

Had Kendall already been hurting? Did he just not want to tell them? Logan wasn't surprised; Kendall had always been stubborn. He'd never tell his friends something was bothering him until the second he fainted and was sent to the hospital.

But Logan didn't feel as though Kendall needed a hospital right now. All he'd said was that "it hurt". "It" probably meaning his head, since Kendall had been cradling it in his hands. He just needed some rest.

"I… I don't know. You didn't shove him hard, did you?" James shook his head.

"I don't get it," Logan continued. "A shove like that couldn't have hurt his head that much. He barely hit his head on the trunk of the tree. I don't know why it hurt so much. I think that Kendall's head already hurt before he started playing, and he probably just didn't tell us."

James sighed, running his hand through Kendall's dirty blonde hair. "Oh, Kendall…" he whispered softly. "Should we call the hospital?"

Logan shook his head after another moment of thought. "It's just head pain; he probably had a migraine or something. I don't think a hospital is necessary. If Kendall complains about when he wakes up, then we'll go."

Carlos tugged on Logan's shirt nervously. "Are you _s-sure_ he's gonna be okay?" He asked fearfully. Logan wrapped his arm around Carlos.

"He'll be fine. Don't worry. And if he's not, the doctors can always help him." Carlos nodded, looking down at his older friend. Logan turned to James.

"James, help me carry him. We should get him home before anything else." James obeyed, and he and Logan lifted Kendall up while Carlos went to get their things. He gathered up the four hockey sticks, Kendall's dropped helmet, and the puck. He put the puck in his pocket, wrapped the helmet strap around his wrist, and carried the hockey sticks, following his friends quickly.

When the four got home, they set Kendall on the orange couch. Logan got Kendall some medicine, James got a wet washcloth, and Carlos got a glass of water.

The three sat on the table in front of Kendall's unconscious body, staring at him intently.

"Has he not been telling us something?" Logan wondered out loud, his brain turning with thought. It was very possible Kendall had kept this to himself. But how long had it been going on? How bad was it? _What_ was wrong with Kendall, if anything?

"You know Kendall; he never tells anyone he's feeling sick." James pointed out the obvious while placing the washcloth on Kendall's forehead. His two younger friends nodded.

"His head isn't even warm. It can't be a fever." James pointed out, feeling Kendall's forehead once again just to make sure. Nope. It wasn't warm at all.

Suddenly, Kendall stirred. Before the others could blink their eyes, Kendall opened his. His head still pounded, though the pain wasn't as bad as before. But it still hurt a lot.

For a second, Kendall saw two of everything. Two of James, two of the TV, two of his hand… but then his vision was normal again. Were his eyes playing tricks on him, or was there something wrong with his eyes, too?

"Wh… what happened?" The boy asked wearily, deciding to focus more about the matters at hand. Worrying about his eyes was the last thing he needed.

The last thing he remembered was playing street hockey and passing the puck to Carlos. Then James checked him and… now he was here.

Kendall froze. Wait. He was here. That meant…

"Oh no… did I faint?" His friends nodded. Kendall almost groaned. This wasn't good, this wasn't good at all… his friends knew something was wrong now. Nothing Kendall could say would change their minds, especially Logan's.

"Kendall, what's wrong?" Logan demanded immediately.

Kendall tried to smile. "Nothing, nothing's wrong."

Logan scoffed. "Kendall, stop lying. Even Carlos knows there's something wrong with you. Kendall, James didn't shove you that hard. You couldn't have fainted from hitting your head on that tree. That may be part of it, but you're not telling us the rest."

Kendall sighed. He couldn't tell his friends… he was perfectly fine. It was just a headache. And nausea. And double vision. And blurred vision. And-

"I… I just had a headache today. And I guess I worked myself too hard. I'm fine. Don't worry about me. I'll be fine and dandy tomorrow." Kendall lied. It was kind of true. He _did_ have a headache… but he almost knew for certain that he _wouldn't_ be fine tomorrow.

Logan stared at Kendall's face, trying to decide if the blonde was lying or not. In the end, he decided that Kendall wasn't. Migraines _did_ sometimes cause people to faint, especially if they got too tired. And Hockey _was_ a tiring sport…

"Alright. I believe you. But I don't want to see your outta your room the rest of today except to use the bathroom. I'll bring you dinner." Logan commanded Kendall.

Kendall rolled his eyes, though rest _did_ sound really good at the moment. "Alright, mother. I'll go to sleep." He stood up, trying to ignore the pain in his head, and walked into his room. He plopped into bed, closing his eyes tiredly.

What was _wrong_ with him? Headaches didn't hurt _this_ bad. Kendall knew now that there _was_ indeed something wrong with him. The only thing was; _what_ was wrong?

But before Kendall couldn't ponder on it any longer, sleep overtook him.

**A/N- So, a bit of Kendall whump here! I even got him to faint for you guys! But that's not something to cheer about, is it? Well, it COULD be, if you're cruel and horrible people. But I'm sure you guys aren't. Right? ;)**

**So, um, I have nothing else to say… you probably know what wrong with Kendall… but there'll be some things you won't be prepared for (at least I don't think so). So good luck. Yeah. Don't know why I just said that… but yeah.**

**Okay, before this gets any more awkward… BYE! **

**-Anonymous Skrtle **


	5. Slip and Fall

_**Chapter 6**_

"Kendall! Wake up!" Kendall woke and was met with an aching pain in his head. The pain wasn't as sharp as yesterday, but instead was dull and throbbing. It felt like a wound that was slowly but effectively healing.

But the loud voice, who Kendall knew was from Carlos, made his head hurt so bad that he almost cried out in pain. But instead, he just let out a soft whimper, hoping that Carlos wouldn't hear it. He felt someone sit down on his bed, bouncing it happily. But in a few seconds, the bouncing stopped.

"Kendall? What's wrong?" Kendall opened his eyes to see Carlos staring down at him with his big brown eyes. Kendall groaned inwardly. Did he really just _have_ to whimper out loud? Now he was gonna have to come up with some lie to trick his friend. And Kendall Knight did _not_ like lying. Not at all. But right now, he felt it was necessary. Wrong, but still necessary.

"Oh, hey, Carlos. How are you today, my little buddy?" Carlos grinned back and was about to say something, but then stopped himself.

"Kendall, I know something's wrong with you. You don't have to lie to us." Carlos said innocently. Kendall sighed. He knew from the tone of Carlos's voice that the younger boy was going to start crying soon if Kendall didn't answer him the way Carlos wanted him to.

"Carlos, listen to me." Kendall slowly sat up, trying to ignore the pain in his head, Ugh, why couldn't it just go away? "I'm fine. I just had a headache yesterday, and it got really bad. But today I'm fine. Really."

Carlos sniffled. "Y-you promise?"

Kendall smiled gently. "I promise." He felt like punching himself for telling such an innocent boy such a horrible lie. But it had to be done, right?

Carlos smiled happily and skipped out of the room. Kendall felt horrible for lying to him. Carlos had probably never told Kendall a lie his whole life, and here Kendal was, lying his face off to Carlos. And the worst part was that Kendall was taking advantage of Carlos's innocence and how gullible he was.

Kendall shook the thoughts out of his head and headed down for breakfast. The boys were sitting there, eating and talking to each other casually. Just like a typical day.

"Good morning, Mr. Knight. How are you feeling this morning?" James asked. Kendall rolled his eyes.

"I'm fine, thanks, Miss Diamond." James, pretending to look offended, stood up and whacked a piece of egg onto Kendall's face. Kendall pretended not to notice it as he sat down. The thing that pissed James off the most was when someone didn't react to his little pranks.

"You're just jealous of my hair," James finally muttered, sitting back down. Kendall smirked. That was his comeback for pretty much anything.

"You guys wanna head down to the pool today?" Logan asked after a few moments of unusual silence. Usually, it was Kendall who decided what they did every day. But today, Kendall was feeling too out of it to even notice Logan had spoken.

"Yay!" Carlos shouted happily, bouncing in his seat.

"Sure, my tanning session is _way_ overdue." James agreed.

They all looked to Kendall to see what he thought. When Kendall didn't respond, Logan waved his hand in front of Kendall's face. "Yo, Kendall!"

Kendall jerked out of his pained daze, staring at Logan. "Oh, um, sure. That's sounds great." Logan looked at him weirdly. Was Kendall hiding something or was just not awake yet?

But before the genius could question it, James and Carlos were already urging them to hurry up. Logan and Kendall stood and went to get changed.

The pool was where it happened. Kendall's head started feeling worse and worse, and his stomach felt weird, too. He felt sick, like _really_ sick. Like he did when he was 12, but 2 times worse. Kendall felt horrible.

He was so focused on making sure he didn't puke that he didn't notice the "Caution: Wet Floor" sign Buddha Bob had placed on the ground.

Everything happened so fast. Kendall suddenly slipped, and hit his head on the floor. Usually, Kendall would just get up, muttering about how stupid the floor was. But this time, he didn't.

"Kendall? Dude, are you okay?" James noticed first. Logan and Carlos turned, their faces scared and worried.

"Kendall, this isn't funny!" Logan added, his voice trembling.

James ran over to Kendall, being careful of the wet floor, and crouched down next to Kendall. Kendall wasn't conscious. And James didn't think he was breathing, either. "Guys! Kendall fainted! He's not awake!"

Logan and Carlos rushed over. Logan shoved James out of the way, checking Kendall's pulse. It was so low he barely felt it. Suddenly, Kendall jerked. His whole body started shaking, his eyes wide open and his eyeballs rolling up into his head.

Logan didn't hesitate. He shouted at Camille, who was standing nearby, to call 911. He looked down at Kendall, trying to see what could be wrong with his older friend.

Ironically, Logan never panicked much when someone was having a medical emergency. He was going to be a doctor, so he'd already trained himself to stay calm and focused in situations like these. But Logan could barely keep himself calm when it was his _best friend_ suffering.

"I-I don't see what's wrong with him!" Logan muttered to himself, his breathing starting to quicken. Kendall didn't have any injuries anywhere he could see, so why was he having a seizure? Logan looked up at his two friends. James just shrugged helplessly, fear in his eyes, while he held a sobbing Carlos to his chest.

"Wh-what's wrong w-with Kendall, J-James?" Carlos whimpered. James rubbed his back comfortingly.

"I don't know, but he's gonna be alright, okay? Look, the paramedics are already here to help him." Logan looked towards the place James was pointing at, and sure enough, ambulances and fire trucks and police cars were speeding into the entrance of the Palm Woods.

Logan quickly told them what had happened. The paramedics attached something into Kendall's nose, putting him on a stretcher and holding him tight until the blonde boy stopped struggling completely. Carlos only cried harder, his sobs broken by whimpers. James was trying to keep his tears in, but Logan could see this was hurting him, too.

"We can take one person." One of the paramedics announced gruffly. James glanced at Logan, urging him to go with Kendall. Logan looked back at James.

"Take care of him. We'll meet you guys in the hospital." Logan said, looking at Carlos. The boy had never handled situations like these well. He'd surely take this the worst.

James nodded, whispering something into Carlos's ear. The boy ceased his crying a little, and Logan turned around, heading into the ambulance.

Kendall looked like he was… _dead_. Logan almost choked on his own spit at the thought. Kendall, his leader, his rock, his best friend, was lying in a gurney, having trouble breathing and suffering the aftershocks of a seizure.

Logan didn't know what happened. Kendall _did_ seem to be acting a little weird lately… but Logan didn't know it was _this_ bad. But Kendall had always been stubborn; Logan should have pressured Kendall more about what was bothering him. Logan should've taken Kendall to the hospital that day he fainted. He was supposed to be the doctor… but he had completely failed Kendall.

He was just so used to Kendall always being right about everything that he was pretty sure that Kendall was fine when he said he was fine. Maybe Kendall didn't want them to worry about him, maybe he was stubborn. But whatever it was, Kendall had lied to them. Big time. And now they were all paying the price.

If Kendall died… Logan wouldn't forgive himself. Heck, if Kendall lived, he still wouldn't forgive himself. He was the doctor; James and Carlos wouldn't know if something was wrong with Kendall. But he was supposed to know. He read hundreds of books about that kind of stuff. But yet, Kendall still ended up in the hospital, and Logan _still_ didn't know what was wrong with this older friend.

"Do… do you know what's wrong with him?" Logan asked one of the nicer looking paramedics softly. The middle aged man looked at Logan with sympathy.

"We're not quite sure yet. We'll have to do some tests on him in the hospital. Have you noticed anything strange about Kendall's behavior lately?" Logan sighed. This was the time to spill the little he knew about Kendall.

"Well, he's been a little… I guess, _tired_, lately. Yesterday, he fainted from a headache or something. A migraine, really. But now that I think about it more… headaches can't cause people to faint, can they?" Now Logan was really worried. Kendall _did_ hit his head hard when James checked him, but it wouldn't have caused him to _faint_, would it?

The paramedic looked thoughtful and sad. This poor boy and his two friends didn't deserve this. They were too young. "It's possible that someone could faint from a mere headache." He paused, looking straight into Logan's eyes.

"I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but don't be surprised if this is something worse than a headache."

**A/N- Dun dun dun… now is where stuff gets serious. I think. I don't really even know yet. ;)**

**So do you think Kendall's gonna wake up? And a lesson to you all: TELL SOMEONE IF YOU'RE FEELING SICK OR DEPRESSED OR ANYTHING! You're gonna end up like Kendall if you don't. Just warning you guys. ;)**

**Please review? They mean so much to me, you guys don't even know. Or maybe you do. But anyways, REVIEW! Please? **

**Peace, Love, and Giraffes,**

**Anonymous Skrtle **


	6. At The Hospital

_**Chapter 6**_

James watched the ambulance drive off with his two best friends inside, his heart pounding and tears in his hazel eyes. What could be wrong with Kendall? James didn't remember Kendall being sick or anything… but he _had_ been acting weird the past couple of days. Messing up in dance rehearsal, always feeling tired, fainting yesterday…

James was jerked away from his thoughts when Carlos whimpered and buried his face his older friend's chest. James picked Carlos up and jogged back into apartment 2J, where he grabbed his keys, a blanket, and Carlos's helmet. He made Carlos walk by himself on the way back.

On the car, James couldn't stop worrying about his friends. Kendall was possibly in a life threatening situation. Logan always panicked under pressure, so James was worried about how the smart boy was coping. And Carlos hadn't stopped crying and sniffling since Kendall had fallen.

James reached over and put his hand on Carlos's shoulder. "Carlos, buddy, don't cry, alright? We're gonna get there soon, and you can see Kendall then, alright? He's gonna be fine." Carlos ceased his crying a little, looking up at James with his wide brown eyes.

"Here, why don't you take a nap until we get there? I even brought your helmet and your Blankie." Carlos nodded hesitantly, letting James tuck him in with the blanket and place his helmet on his head securely.

"James? Are you s-sure Kendall's f-f-fine?" Carlos whispered. James started the car and turned back to Carlos.

"Go to sleep, alright? I'll call Logan and ask him about Kendall, okay?" Carlos sniffled on last time before he closed his eyes and leaned his head against the window.

When James was sure Carlos was asleep, he started worrying even more. Was Kendall alright? Was Logan alright? Was Kendall already… dead? James took a deep breath, trying to keep his emotions under control. He had to stay strong for Kendall, Logan, and Carlos. He had to be there for them when they needed comfort.

But James didn't know if he was strong enough to do that. How could he protect both Logan _and_ Carlos when he felt like he was already falling apart? And who knew if Kendall would get worse or not?

Kendall was their leader; James didn't know what to do if they didn't have Kendall anymore. They wouldn't have anyone to motivate them or solve all their problems. They wouldn't have their leader anymore. And James didn't know what to do if that actually happened. He would have to step up then, wouldn't he? But James wasn't sure he could do that.

James shook his head quickly. Kendall wasn't dead, or Logan would've called already. Kendall was going to be fine, he just needed some time to recover. It was probably like that last time when Kendall had the stomach flu and wouldn't tell anyone. Kendall was fine. He was just too stubborn to admit it when he was sick. He'd get better, and everything would be fine.

James told himself to stop worrying about what would happen if Kendall… wasn't there anymore. It wouldn't happen. It _can't_ happen. Kendal promised them that he would never leave them. At least not until he was, like, 100 years old. He couldn't die this early.

Before he knew it, James was already at the hospital. He parked the car and just sat in his seat, staring at Carlos sadly. If there was really something wrong with Kendall, which there _wouldn't_ be, Carlos would be the one who'd take it the hardest. But James was ready to protect him. Him and Logan and Kendall.

James reluctantly reached over to take Carlos away from his world of rainbows and kittens. He shook Carlos's shoulder gently, telling him that they were there.

"Buddy, we have to go see Logan and Kendall, alright?"

Carlos sniffled. "I'm sc-scared, James." He whimpered, curling his knees up to his chest.

James didn't know what he could say to make Carlos feel better. "Carlos, I am too. But Kendall's gonna be okay. He'll be fine. Nothing can break him. He's strong, and something like hitting his head won't hurt him too much, and he's gonna be better in no time. He promised us he wouldn't leave us, so he won't, alright?" James didn't even know if he believed his words, but he felt like he was in denial or something. He kept on thinking that Kendall was going to be alright, but he wasn't considering the other, more tragic, scenarios.

Carlos's eyes filled with tears. "O-okay."

Soon, the two got out of the car and walked into the hospital. Carlos stayed as close to James as possible.

"Uh, I'm looking for Kendall Knight?" James told the person at the front desk. The nurse told him the room, and James took Carlos there quickly.

He found Logan pacing back and forth, his face scrunched up in worry and his fists clenching and unclenching. James was surprised that he wasn't in full panic attack mode yet. Logan was taking this better than James had expected.

"Hey, Logan, how's Kendall?" James asked after a few minutes of silence. Logan bit his lip.

"I… I don't know. Th… they… Kendall… he-he was having a s-seizure, James! That's not supposed to h-happen if you j-just hit your head! There's… there's something K-Kendall wasn't t-telling us." James wrapped his arm around Logan, calming him down a little.

"Logan, what do you mean Kendall wasn't telling us something?" James chided him gently. Logan shook his head.

"I don't know. I just know that… what happened to him w-wasn't just a coincidence. I mean, his seizure w-was caused by something else other than that fall." Logan admitted softly. James furrowed his eyebrows. Did Kendall really keep such a serious secret from them?

"What could be wrong with him, though?" James wondered aloud. Logan shrugged.

"The doctors said they'll keep me updated if they find anything out." He replied softly.

James sighed. "Carlos, why don't you sit down, okay?" Carlos looked like he was going to break down in tears or something, and James didn't feel like he could deal with that right now. Carlos sat down, putting his face in his hands. Logan sat down next to Carlos, wrapping his arm around the Latino boy.

James looked at the closed door of Kendall's room. He heard shouts and orders and demands, beeping and tubes and other stuff. What was happening in there? Was Kendall dying? Was he awake? What was Kendall feeling? Did he feel scared, angry, sad? James would give almost anything to be in there with Kendall. If Kendall was any what conscious, he'd probably need his friends by his side. But James knew that the doctors were trying their best to make Kendall better. James just hoped they succeeded.

All James could do was wait. James hated waiting, and he knew Logan and Carlos did, too. But Kendall hated waiting the most, so James was glad Kendall didn't have to wait for his best friend's fate to be delivered to him. Because that's what it felt like; when the doctors came out, they'd tell them what was wrong with Kendall. James would finally know what was wrong with Kendall. And most of all, they would know if Kendall was going to be okay or not.

James really hoped Kendall was okay. He really did. But just because he hoped, didn't mean that Kendall would be alright.

James's head was hurting from worrying and thinking so much. He sat down next to Carlos, letting Carlos put his head on his shoulder. Logan was already asleep, probably worn out from all the stress.

"Is Kendall gonna be alright?" Carlos asked quietly. James wrapped his arm around Carlos, pulling him close to him.

"I don't know, Carlos. I don't know. Why don't you and I go to sleep, and when we wake up, we might be able to see Kendall, alright?" Once again, Carlos nodded without saying a word. In a few minutes Carlos fell asleep with his head on James's shoulder.

James glanced at the closed door where Kendall lay one last time before he finally closed his eyes and let himself go to sleep.

**A/N- So, next chapter! This was supposed to be up days ago… but there's construction going on in our house and I couldn't really get to my room that often cuz they were working there. So I'm sorry bout that, but updates should be faster now. Let's hope so. **

**Please review? They mean so much to me… I update faster if you review! Really. So… yeah, please review? ;)**

**Peace, Love, and Giraffes,**

**Anonymous Skrtle **


	7. Nightmare

_**Chapter 7**_

"Logan? L-Logan?" Logan groaned and blinked his eyes open tiredly, annoyed at whoever had woke him from his deep sleep. When he slept, he didn't have to worry about things. In fact, he had completely forgotten about Kendall in his dreams. Now he had to worry again about Kendall and everything else that he _didn't_ have to worry about in his sleep.

But when he saw the tears streaming down Carlos's face, he forgot all about being irritated. He was immediately awake, letting Carlos sit next to him. "Carlos, buddy, what's wrong?" Carlos buried his face in Logan's shoulder, sniffling and whimpering.

"I h-had a bad d-dream." Carlos choked out, his tiny body trembling.

Logan patted Carlos's head. "Aw, wanna talk about it?" When Carlos woke up from nightmares, it usually helped the most if he told someone what it was about.

Carlos whimpered. "Th-the doctors came out a-and said th-that… that K-Kendall d-died!" He broke down and started sobbing into Logan shoulder. Logan rubbed Carlos's back, hoping to calm him down. Logan would probably be like Carlos too if he'd had a nightmare like that.

"I don't w-want K-Kendall to die, Logan… I-I really d-don't." Carlos sobbed, sobs shaking his body. Logan took Carlos into his lap, hoping to calm him down a little.

"Kendall isn't gonna die, okay Carlos. Don't worry; he isn't dying for another, like, 8 decades." Logan assured Carlos. Carlos only sobbed harder.

"Y-you don't know th-that. I-If he d-d-dies…" Carlos trailed off, crying too hard to continue. Logan sighed. He was trying hard to avoid thinking about what would happen if Kendall… died, but Carlos crying and sobbing about it was making it the _only_ thing he was thinking about now.

What _if_ Kendall died? What would they do then? Big Time Rush would be over, and Logan, James, and Carlos would lose their leader. They're strong rock, the one who held them together. Logan knew that if Kendall died, none of his friends would ever be the same again. Kendall's death would destroy them.

Logan tried to shake the thoughts out of his head. He couldn't think like that. He was always, and still was, pessimistic, but now wasn't the time to be negative. He had to think good thoughts, or he'd be breaking down as well.

Logan put his head on top of Carlos's. "Carlos, it's alright. It's alright. Kendall's gonna be fine. He's not dead yet, and the doctors are gonna come and tell us what's wrong with Kendall soon. And it's probably not something horrible, so don't worry, okay?" Logan wrapped his small arms around Carlos's small body, staying silent until Carlos stopped crying.

"Y-you s-sure?" Carlos asked timidly. Logan smiled gently at him and nodded.

"I'm sure." Honestly, Logan wasn't sure. He wasn't sure at all. But he didn't want little Carlos to worry, and he didn't want James to worry, either. He was the doctor; he could take bad news better than James and Carlos. He wanted to be the first one to hear about Kendall, so maybe he could deliver the news gently to his other friends.

Carlos sniffled. "Logan?"

Logan looked down at his younger friend. "Yeah?"

"Wh-where's James?" Logan froze. He turned towards the spot where James was supposed to be sitting, but found no one there. He looked around the hallways. No sign of James.

Logan widened his eyes as the realization sunk in. James wasn't here. "Carlos, was James here when you woke?"

Carlos looked scared when he shrugged. "I… I was t-too scared to notice, and then I-I thought y-you knew where h-he was." He told Logan. Logan nodded.

"Where could he have gone? Oh, James…" Logan took out his phone and texted James.

"Logan? D-do you think James is okay?" Carlos asked meekly.

Logan shrugged. "He's probably just taking a walk or something around the hospital. This _is_ a lot to handle." Logan pointed out, gesturing to Kendall's closed door. Carlos nodded and shifted his position in Logan's lap.

Logan's phone beeped. Logan checked his texts and saw that James had responded. Before Logan could read the response, Carlos tugged on his sleeve and pointed to the doctor walking toward them. Logan recognized him as the doctor who'd spoken to him when he arrived at the hospital.

"Logan Mitchell?" The doctor asked calmly. Logan stood up. Carlos quickly got off of Logan and cowered behind him, waiting for the doctor's words.

"That's me. Do… do you know if he's gonna be okay?" Logan asked, fearing the answer. The doctor sighed. Logan's stomach dropped. That wasn't a good sign.

"Logan, maybe you and your friend should sit down for this one." Logan slowly nodded and pushed Carlos down onto a chair before sitting in the one next to the doctor.

The doctor pulled out a clipboard. "Kendall's in stable condition." Logan sighed in relief. Kendall was still alive and breathing on his own. That was a good sign.

"But… We've found that Kendall has very serious injuries to his head. Can you tell us what happened before you called 911?"

Logan's heart thumped loudly. "I… Kendall slipped on the floor and hit his head on the concrete tile. But he didn't hit his head _that_ hard, it shouldn't have caused him faint." The doctor nodded, jotting down some notes.

"Has Kendall been having headaches or sudden nausea for the past few days?" The doctor asked. Logan thought back. He _did_ notice something kinda off with Kendall these past few days… Guilt filled Logan. He should've asked Kendall about it. Maybe his could have prevented this.

"I… I don't know. But yesterday he fainted after he got checked in hockey. But he wasn't checked that hard, and he said he fainted because he was just having a migraine or something." Looking back on it, thinking Kendall was alright was stupid. He had _fainted_, for heaven's sake! How could he be okay? But Kendall was so convincing… and there really didn't seem to be anything wrong with him afterwards… so Logan hadn't asked about it again or taken him to a doctor. But maybe he should have.

The doctor nodded thoughtfully to himself, and then looked at Logan. "I'm sorry, Logan, but we think Kendall may have a concussion." Logan furrowed his eyebrows. A concussion? That was it? That was what made Kendall have a seizure? As far as Logan knew, concussions didn't cause permanent damage, and they healed quickly.

"So… wh-what's so bad about that?" Logan asked boldly. Once again, he was afraid of the answer, but he had no choice but to be the one to ask, right? James wasn't here and Carlos looked like he would start crying again.

The doctor looked straight into Logan's eyes. "He had a lot of bleeding in his brain, Logan. And that could have damaged the brain severely. We don't know how much it's affected him, because we don't know how long it's been since the bleeding started."

Logan was more than confused. When the bleeding started? Logan didn't even know Kendall had _that_ bad of a concussion. "Uh… I don't know when his bleeding started. I didn't even know he had bleeding in his brain." It was scary to actually say it out loud. Logan had heard lots of stories about kids who had blood in their brains… bad things happened to them. Bad things.

The doctor looked worried, but also like he'd expected this. Whatever "this" was. "Logan, I think Kendall may have been keeping a few things from you. We predict that his bleeding started almost a week ago. That's a long time, Logan. A really long time." Logan's heart stopped. At least it felt like it did. Almost a _week?_ Oh no, this was bad, this was bad…

Logan felt like he was in Carlos's nightmare. Kendall wasn't dead… but he was in serious trouble. Logan just wanted to wake up from this nightmare… but this was something he couldn't wake up from. This was his _life_. He couldn't just decide to "wake up" from it. He had to deal with what happened every day and every minute. But Logan didn't think he could deal with this.

Kendall had been keeping something big from them. And Logan had never suspected a thing until Kendall had fainted the day before. Logan was supposed to be the future doctor, the cautious one; he was supposed to notice when his friends weren't feeling alright. But he wasn't able to help Kendall when he needed it most. Kendall had been there for him and his friends every single time. But when Kendall needed his friends this one time, Logan wasn't there for him.

Logan was jerked out of his thoughts when Carlos whimpered and clung on tightly to his shirt. "Wh-what does that mean?" He asked the doctor timidly, fear in his eyes. The doctor stared at both of them sympathetically.

"It means that… this may have affected Kendall. A lot. Bleeding in the brain is nothing to fool around about. If Kendall has actually been suffering headaches, then that was probably pain from the bleeding in his brain. If he's been feeling nauseous or dizzy, it's because of the bleeding in the brain. But we don't if he's been feeling dizzy or weak yet. He's the only one who can tell us when he wakes up." The doctor explained.

Logan was about to thank the doctor, but then stopped. "Wait. What do you mean, when he wakes up? I thought he was already awake." For the third time that day, he didn't want to know the answer to his question. But yet again, he knew he had to know.

The doctor turned back. "It means that Kendall Knight is in a coma."

Logan heard a loud crash.

**A/N- So what could the loud crash be? Only I know. Or if you're smart enough to guess it right, then I guess you know too. ;) So you know what's wrong with Kendall… kinda. He has a concussion and bleeding in his brain. That's all you know. And you won't know more til later. Sorry. **

**Review? Reviews make my heart rejoice. That sounded weird… but they do. So please review? **

**Anyways, tell me what you thought of the chapter! Peace out,**

**Anonymous Skrtle **


	8. James

_**Chapter 8**_

James couldn't sleep. When he woke up, it had only been 20 minutes since he arrived at the hospital. Whenever he closed his eyes after that, all he saw was Kendall on the ground, blood pouring around in puddles. There was nothing else he could think about.

James stood up, made sure Logan and Carlos were still asleep, and walked down the stairs and out into the front entrance of the hospital. He stood outside, letting the morning breeze blow on his sweaty face.

Was Kendall okay? Would he be okay? Was Kendall hiding something from them? Well, obviously, but what could it be? James always kept an eye on his younger friends, and nothing seemed to be wrong with Kendall. But, Kendall was stubborn and he hid his pain well. James probably couldn't tell if there was a huge tumor growing on his head…

James froze. A tumor on his head. Could that be why Kendall fainted when he hit his head on the ground? Could it be a tumor? Like, a _cancer_ tumor? What if Kendall had cancer? James knew lots of people who'd had cancer… and not many of them made it out alive. He didn't want Kendall to be one of them.

James told himself he was worrying too much. Kendall didn't have cancer. He probably had a fever or the flu or something, and didn't tell them. He probably fainted because he was sick. _Not _because of anything else.

The tall boy sighed, running a hand through his hair. How could be so sad and worried on such a beautiful day?

_He's gonna be fine._ James tried to convince himself of this, but he just… couldn't. He had a feeling in the back of his head that told him that Kendall wasn't alright. There was something wrong with Kendall, and James suddenly felt that he had to be there when the doctors told them what was wrong.

He turned around the go back in, not even noticing the tear that slid down his cheek slowly. He was just so worried, and he was… he was scared. For Kendall and for Logan and for Carlos, but especially for himself. He didn't what would happen to _him_ if something ever happened to one of his best friends. He knew that he'd be different, and so would his friends and everyone else he knew. It was selfish, but James was as worried about himself as he was about Kendall.

Maybe it was because he didn't want to worry about Kendall any longer, but James actually felt content walking up the stairs into the hospital. He forced any horrible thoughts about Kendall to the back of his mind. He felt the vibration of his phone in his pocket. He took it out and saw that Logan had texted him.

James told him that he was on his way up. _I'll be there in a few. Wait for me._ James sent the message, skipping the stairs two at a time to get there faster. Had the doctors already come? What if the doctors came and Logan didn't wait for him to get there for the news?

When James arrived in the hallway leading to Kendall's room, he heard voices. His heart froze. Could that be the doctor? Did Logan not wait for him? James walked faster, his heart thumping in his chest. He had to be there when the doctors told them about Kendall, he just had to.

"Bleeding in the brain is nothing to fool around about. If Kendall has actually been suffering headaches, then that was probably pain from the bleeding in his brain. If he's been feeling nauseous or dizzy, it's because of the bleeding in the brain. But we don't if he's been feeling dizzy or weak yet. He's the only one who can tell us when he wakes up." James covered his mouth to stifle his gasp. He stood behind the wall where Logan, Carlos, and the doctor were, afraid to barge in.

Kendall had bleeding in his _brain?_ How could that have happened? Slipping and hitting your head on the ground didn't cause a concussion. James didn't have to be a doctor to know that. So it had to be something that happened before. But what could it be? James didn't remember any other time Kendall had hit his head extra hard. He tried to search his brain for a time that Kendall had hit his head, but he came up with nothing.

"Wait. What do you mean, when he wakes up? I thought he was already awake." Logan replied with a confused tone. Suddenly, a memory flashed in James's mind He saw a hockey stick on the ground, and Kendall skating towards it-

His thoughts were interrupted when he heard the doctor answer Logan. "It means that Kendall Knight is in a coma." James froze. He completely forgot about his memory flash. His heart beat twice as fast as before. His eyes widened. Kendall Knight. _In a coma_. No, no, no… it couldn't be happening.

It couldn't be happening. Kendall was healthy and strong. He wasn't supposed to be in a coma. If it were anyone else in a coma, James would just be sad and scared. But because it was Kendall, their leader, their stronghold, he was angry. He was pissed off that something like this could happen to someone like Kendall. He didn't know why, but he was suddenly so mad it was making his face red.

Why didn't Kendall tell them there was something wrong with him? Why did Kendall have to be so stubborn? Why couldn't he accept the fact that he wasn't invincible, that he needed other people's help once in a while?

And why couldn't James have seen that something was wrong with Kendall? Why was he so blind? If he'd figured out that Kendall's head was bothering him, maybe they could've gotten Kendall to a hospital _before_ he got himself into a stupid coma. Stupid, stupid Kendall, and stupid, stupid, James…

Before he could stop himself, James drew back his fist and punched the thing nearest to him, which was a wall. He was scared of what would've happened if a person were standing next to him.

Almost immediately, James's hand started to sting. James's legs collapsed, and he fell to the ground. He felt like crying, he _wanted_ to cry, but he couldn't. He didn't have any tears to shed at that moment.

Everything that happened next was a blur to James. He saw someone, Logan probably, crouching down in front of him. Logan lifted his face and asked James something, but James couldn't understand it. Everything seemed to move in slow motion, Logan's words and everything else around him.

He must've blacked out or something, because the next thing he knew, he was sitting in a room with just a bed and a sink. He blinked open his eyes, feeling wearier than ever, letting out a small groan.

"James? James, are you awake?" James blinked a few more times and saw Logan's face staring at him. James groaned again, his head spinning as he tried to attempt to sit up.

Logan pushed him down. "Don't push yourself. You fainted, James; you have to rest as much as you can and use as less energy as possible." He instructed James firmly. James nodded reluctantly, lying back down.

He looked around and found himself in a check up room, one of those rooms he went into when he was little to take shots and stuff. He didn't know the hospital had one of those, but whatever…

"Logie? Is… is James okay?" James heard Carlos ask meekly. James almost punched himself. He had scared Carlos and worried Logan. He was supposed to protect them, but yet he was the one being protected right now.

"Yeah, buddy, he's fine. Don't worry, alright? He just fainted from all the stress, he'll be fine."

"P-promise?"

"Promise."

Carlos wasn't sure if he believed Logan or not. Last time, he'd asked Kendall if _he_ was going to be okay. Kendall had said yes. He'd said that he just fainted from having a horrible headache. And he'd promised, too, hadn't he? Carlos didn't remember, but he remembered enough to know that Kendall lied to him.

But Carlos didn't want to worry about that right now. James might be really sick, too, just like Kendall, and he wasn't telling them. Carlos pouted at Logan.

"You _really_ promise?" He asked, his big brown eyes staring at Logan with fear. Logan gulped and looked down. He could never lie to those eyes.

"Yes, buddy, I _really_ promise. James is fine. He's not sick or anything, right James?" Logan turned to James, who nodded gruffly.

"Yeah, I'm really fine. I was just… shocked at what the doctor said about Kendall." James admitted. Logan sighed and sat down next to Carlos, looking at James with concern the whole time.

"James, I don't know how Kendall could've had bleeding in his brain. He never hit his head the past few days, did he?" Logan asked James, his eyes wide.

James shrugged. "I don't remember any time other than when I checked him and when he slipped. But I checked him softly and the slip… well, we all know it wasn't that." Logan nodded grimly.

James suddenly recalled that he'd had a little part of a memory appear in his brain just before he fainted. They had been playing hockey or something, and there was a hockey stick just lying in the middle of the ice…

James sat up so quickly the pain in his head made him cry out and drop back down. Logan was at James's side faster than you could say "hockey sticks".

"What's wrong, James?"

James gasped. "The hockey game… Remember that time when Carlos accidentally dropped his hockey stick on the ice? And Kendall tripped over it because he wasn't looking where he was going?"

Logan's eyes widened. "Oh my gosh… you're right. That's it!" Suddenly, Logan's face fell, and his eyes weren't so wide. "Then… then that means that Kendall's had bleeding in his brain for… for almost over a w-week!"

James fumbled with his words. Logan sounded so scared and so worried, but James didn't know why. "Wh-what's so bad about that?" He asked frantically. If Logan was seriously worried…

"Oh man, this is bad, this is really bad…" Logan muttered, pacing back and forth.

James cleared his throat loudly. "What wrong?" He demanded, fear evident in his voice and eyes.

"If there's bleeding in the brain for more than a f-few days… it could affect the victim seriously. Like, th-the effects could be permanent." Logan whispered, looking down at the ground.

"Permanent, a-as in…" James didn't want to finish his sentence.

Logan nodded, tears in his eyes. "This could change his life forever."

**A/N- So you got a little of James there, and now you now that Kendall's in a BAD situation. Poor him. Blame the person who's writing this- oh wait, that's me… then blame… uh, um… blame something else. There.**

**Anyways, I'd love it if you reviewed. It really means a lot to me (I know, this is getting repetitive…) But seriously, my whole upstairs is under construction, so I'm typing this downstairs. And because of the construction, there are mosquitoes EVERYWHERE! And just writing this got me, like, 10 new bites on my bare legs. AAAH! I hate those bugs! So without further ado…**

**Bye! **


	9. Guilt

_**Chapter 9**_

Carlos looked at Kendall's pale face with wide eyes. Kendall was so_ still_. It was really weird not seeing his older friend up and moving like he always was. It was scary and nerve wrecking all at the same time.

The Latino sat quietly in his chair, watching James and Logan talk with each other quietly. They were probably talking about Kendall, and what was wrong with him. Carlos was actually kind of glad they weren't including him in their conversation; Carlos didn't know if he could handle it.

But at the same time, Carlos was a little hurt and a little mad at them for not including him. He was old enough to understand; he was almost 17 years old. Maybe Logan and James were trying to protect him by not scaring him with news about Kendall. Maybe. But Carlos didn't think so. There was a horrible thought in the back of his head. He didn't want to think about it, but it just kept on coming back when he tried to push it away.

What if they thought he was too immature, too troublesome, too… _stupid?_ Tears sprung into Carlos's eyes just thinking about it. After all, he _had_ been the one who… he was the one who dropped the hockey stick. Kendall had tripped over _his_ dropped hockey stick, which caused the bleeding in his brain. And now Kendall was in the hospital and had some horrible sickness.

It was all his fault. As always, it was _all his fault. _He was always the one who messed up, the one who needed to be constantly scolded for doing something wrong. Kendall, Logan, and James never messed up and disappointed other people as much as he did. They were good at everything he sucked at.

Carlos brought his knees up to his chest. He heard Logan mutter something with the word "stupid" in it. What if James and Logan were talking about _him_? About how stupid he was for dropping his hockey stick, about how stupid he was all the time.

Carlos bit his lip to bite back the sob that was coming up his throat. His friends wouldn't say that about him. They wouldn't. But Carlos wasn't even sure about that himself.

He didn't even know where all these thoughts were coming from. He'd never thought of himself as stupid, had he? Carlos wasn't even sure. He _was_ the most crazy one out of his three friends, but was he really _stupid?_

He saw James glance at him worriedly. The pretty boy turned back to Logan and whispered something into his ear. Logan nodded sullenly. Carlos put his face on his knees, his lower lip starting to tremble.

What if James and Logan hated him for getting Kendall hurt? What if they blamed him for everything that had happened to Kendall? Well, Carlos wouldn't blame them if they did. He blamed himself for getting Kendall into the hospital, too. He blamed himself for everything.

He felt a huge lump in his throat. He tried to swallow it down; he couldn't cry in front of his friends. They'd only think he was stupider than he already was. This was his fault; he couldn't cause any more trouble. And him crying was the last thing anyone needed.

"Carlos? Are you okay, buddy?" Carlos looked up when he felt James's hand on his shoulder. The Latino boy looked away when he saw the concern and worry in James's eyes. Concern and worry for _him_. He didn't deserve that concern. He didn't deserve to be worried about. He had put Kendall in the hospital. He knew it, James knew it, Logan knew it, and soon, if Kendall ever woke up, he'd know it, too. And then they'd all hate him, and there'd be nothing Carlos could do about it.

"Yeah, I-I'm fine." Carlos replied, trying to sound as convincing as he could. James raised an eyebrow, Logan sighed.

"Are you sure, Carlos? Cuz you haven't said anything in, like, a long time." Logan pointed out. Carlos didn't look at them.

"I'm fine." He stated firmly, scratching the top of his head.

James sat down next to Carlos, wrapping his arm around the younger boy. "Carlos, you know you can tell us anything, right?" He asked softly.

Carlos bit his lip. "I know. I'm fine, really," he lied. He hated lying to his friends, he really did, but he didn't want to worry them more than they already were. After all, this was his fault and he had to suffer the consequences right now. What the consequences were, he didn't know for sure. But there were going to be consequences for sure.

"Can you just tell me what wrong with K-Kendall?" Carlos asked meekly. James glanced at Logan.

"Kendall hit his head really hard, Carlos. He hit his head so hard that it's bleeding. Not on the outside, but on the inside. So that's why we couldn't see it. And now he has brain damage because he was bleeding for too long of a time." Logan started explaining. Carlos knew all that, but he still listened carefully anyways. _This was all his fault…_

"So… wh-what's gonna happen to him when he wakes up?"

"We don't know yet, Carlos. Anything can happen. Who knows, maybe Kendall could be all fine and dandy when we wake up, and then everything'll be alright again." James suggested. But they all knew that wasn't going to happen. Kendall wasn't going to be alright.

Carlos nodded and looked back down at the ground. "I-I'm sorry…" he whispered pathetically. James and Logan turned their heads toward him.

"What was that?"

Carlos shook his head. "Nothing, just thinking to myself."

Logan smiled sadly at Carlos. "I know this is hard, buddy, but if we all stick together we'll get through it fine, okay?" Carlos looked up at James with his big brown eyes and nodded.

James turned around and walked towards Kendall's unmoving form. "When do you think he'll wake up?" He asked, mostly to Logan. Logan was the doctor after all, wasn't he?

Logan stared at Kendall sadly. "I really don't know… it's different for everyone with a concussion. And even when they do wake up…" The smart boys stopped talking, looking away from James and Carlos.

James wrapped his arm around Logan. "Then what?" He asked gently.

Logan shook his head. "People's brains react differently to bleeding. We really have no real clue as to what Kendall's gonna be like when he wakes up. He could be perfectly fine… or not."

No one spoke a word for quite some time. No one knew what to say. There really was nothing anyone could say,

There could be something seriously wrong with Kendall when he woke. He could be different, like really bad different. What if Kendall was never the same again? Who would be their leader, the one who motivated them and loved hockey? No one, that ws who. And none of them thought they could live with that.

Big Time Rush wasn't the same at all without Kendall. Their friendship would never be the same, either. _They_ would never be the same, either.

Life would be pretty much impossible without Kendall. Their foursome had to stay four. Three would never be the same. Five wouldn't be, either. Four was the right number for their group. And no one wanted that to change.

The only thing was, they didn't have any control over that. They couldn't control what happened to Kendall. They could only leave it up to Kendall's body and fate.

That was what sucked the most. The fact that none of them could do anything to help Kendall except be there for him when he woke.

James shook his head quickly. "Guys, we can't think like this. Kendall's gonna wake up, and he's gonna be fine. Even if he's not, he can recover with the help of the doctors. Right, guys?" When no one answered, James repeated himself. "Right?"

Logan sighed. Carlos bit his lip.

"Let's hope so."

**A/N- This chapter was so hard to write for some reason… but I got it done. So yay! And for those of you reading my story Vanishing, the last chapter may be up… soon. I wanna make the last chapter the best, ya know? ;)**

**So please PLEASE review this chapter? I'd love you if you do! **

**Peace, Love, and Giraffes,**

**Anonymous Skrtle **


	10. Logan

_**Chapter 10**_

Logan groaned, blinking his eyes open when he heard his alarm clock beep loudly. He'd forgotten to turn the thing off, and now it was beeping like crazy. Logan sat up groggily, slamming his fist onto the clock, silencing it. He lay back down and stared at the ceiling.

The room felt so lonely without Kendall's loud snores. Logan felt like he could actually feel the emptiness of Kendall not being there in the bed next to him. James and Carlos had invited him to sleep with them, but Logan had told them that he wanted time to himself. But that didn't mean it wasn't lonely in his bedroom. Logan just needed some alone time… but that alone time just made Kendall's absence even more obvious that it was before.

The genius got out of bed, rubbing his eyes tiredly. It'd taken him a couple hours to go to sleep the night before, and even longer the night before that. He was exhausted, but he had no idea how he could fall asleep again. The idea of not being there with Kendall when the hospital was opened was hard to bear. He _had_ to be there with Kendall. He just had to.

Kendall was their leader, he'd always been there for them when they needed help. Kendall was the first one to arrive at James's house when his parents divorced. He was the first one to visit Carlos at the hospital after he got beat up by some bullies in 8th grade. And Kendall was the first one to give Logan a much needed hug when he failed his first test in middle school.

Kendall was everyone's rock, the one that held them together. Logan didn't even want to imagine how much their friendship and their bond would be affected if Kendall wasn't there. Kendall was always there, no one could imagine him _not_ being there with his friends. But now Kendall _wasn't_ there. He was lying in a hospital bed, in a stupid coma.

Don't get him wrong, Logan really wanted to be a doctor. But there were some times when he really wished that he hadn't done that much studying about medical things. Some times like now.

Logan knew things that James and Carlos didn't. Logan knew what could happen to Kendall if he ever woke up. It was bad, and it gave him nightmares. But his friends didn't have to deal with that. They were oblivious to what was even wrong with Kendall. But Logan knew almost all the consequences and diseases Kendall could end up with. He knew so much that he scared himself all the time, imagining worst case scenarios of what could happen to Kendall.

There were obviously negative sides of wanting to be a doctor. Logan realized that the hard way. He quickly took a shower and went downstairs, smelling the smell of eggs and bacon.

"Good morning, Logan." Logan looked up to see James grinning at him. Carlos just sat in his chair, forking his bacon around.

"Good morning, guys. Thanks for making breakfast." Logan added, smiling at James. James shrugged.

"No problem. You ready to go to the hospital? The doctors say Kendall has a chance of waking up sometimes this week." James said. Logan's spirits rose. Maybe Kendall would wake up today.

But what if there was something wrong with Kendall when he woke? What if Kendall was never the same again? Logan didn't know if he wanted Kendall to just stay in a coma or wake up and be different. He didn't think he could bear it if he didn't have Kendall, or if he had Kendall but... _not _Kendall.

"Yeah, I guess I'll be ready as I'll ever be." Logan replied, sitting down and taking a bite of his egg and ham omelet. "You ready to go, Carlos?"

Carlos looked up from his plate. "Yeah, I guess…" He said in a small voice.

Logan shrugged, glancing at James. Carlos had grown quieter than usual. And Carlos was _never_ quiet. "Alright, then, let's go."

When the three arrived at the hospital, they were immediately greeted by a doctor.

"Hello, boys, I'm afraid we have some good news and some bad news." Logan didn't know what to think about that. Was the bad news really bad, and was the good news really good? What if the bad news, was horrible, and the good news wasn't so good after all? But then, on the other hand, what if the good news was really good and the bad news wasn't so bad at all? What if-

Logan shook his head. He had to stop over thinking things. It was getting him nowhere. It was just causing him worry and stress, and he didn't need anymore of that. "So what's the news, doctor?" James asked boldly.

The doctor looked at them with some unreadable expression on his face. "The good news is that… the doctors think Kendall's waking up." Logan's spirits rose at the statement. Kendall was waking up, he was alright.

"But the bad news is that… I'm sorry boys, but the doctors were doing another scan of Kendall's brain… and they found that the bleeding in his brain got so bad that some of the blood bled into different places of his brain. Places where there shouldn't be bleeding. And we're afraid that… when there's unnecessary bleeding in specific parts of the brain, then the person is affected. I'm so sorry, but we think that when Kendall wakes up, there going to be something… different about him."

Logan felt his breath catch in his throat. James gasped, and Carlos whimpered. "What… what'll be different about him?" Logan asked cautiously.

The doctor shook his head. "We can't know for sure yet. We'll just have to wait until he wakes up. But it may not even be serious. It may just be that he'll have a slightly higher blood pressure than normal, but that won't really affect his life all that much. Maybe a few headaches here and there, but nothing serious."

Logan bit his lip. "But… what if it's not something small like that?"

The doctor stared Logan in the eyes. "I… we can't know anything until Kendall wakes up. Which will be soon, we're almost sure of it."

Logan nodded somberly, taking a seat in one of the chairs. He hated it when he couldn't know something for sure. _Almost sure of it, maybe, can't know for sure yet…_ Those words just made Logan even more worried. He like direct answers, like "we know he's going to wake up" instead of "we're almost sure he's going to wake up."

Logan had always liked math the most, because in math, there was only one answer. One plus one always equaled two. But in cases like this one, no one was sure of anything, they could only guess what would happen next. It was all dependent on Kendall's body and his brain. No one knew anything until Kendall woke up. And they weren't even sure _if_ Kendall was going to wake up yet. Even the doctors were completely helpless. And Logan hated that.

"Hey, Logan, you okay?" Logan shook out of his thoughts when James put his hand on his shoulder.

Logan nodded. "Yeah… I'm just frustrated that the doctors know pretty much nothing, ya know?" James nodded, staying silent.

"Do… do you th-think Kendall's gonna wake up?" Both James and Logan turned and looked at their youngest friend.

"I… I don't know, buddy. The doctors say he'll have a pretty good chance, though." Logan added, trying to stay optimistic. But it was hard.

Carlos nodded. "And he'll be okay, right?" Logan froze. He was really hoping that Carlos wouldn't ask that. Because Logan had no idea how to even start answering that question.

James seemed to sense Logan's discomfort, for he stepped in. "Carlos, we're not sure yet. We'll just have to see. Kendall's strong, I'm sure he'll be fine. But…" James stopped, blinking back the tears in his eyes. "But if Kendall's not alright, then we still have to promise to stick together. We can help Kendall. We can stay strong for him."

Logan smiled at James. If Kendall wasn't their leader, then James could have taken his place. James may have been a little narcissistic sometimes, but inside, he was caring and loved his friends. He'd do anything for the people he loved.

Carlos sniffled. "James… I'm scared. Kendall _has_ to be okay… he h-has to…" Carlos buried his face in James's chest, sobbing quietly. James rubbed his back, looking defeated and scared. Logan watched them sympathetically. This whole Kendall thing was taking its toll on Carlos. And now it was going to take its toll on James and Logan, too.

They were broken without Kendall to encourage them on. They were broken without Kendall's support. They needed Kendall, just like they needed one another.

Without Kendall, Logan wasn't sure if they could keep going.

**A/N- Oh my gosh. Please don't be mad at me for not updating in like… almost a month. I've just started my first year of high school, so I'm still adjusting to that. It's been a little crazy in our house these days, so yeah… that's my lame excuse. I'm so sorry.**

**I really hope this chapter was worth the wait… but I'm not really sure this was one of my best chapters… I'm sorry. For the third time. Please review and tell me what you liked about this chapter, what you hated, and anything I could improve on (cuz I know there's at least _something_ I could do better). ;) Please review? Maybe I'll update faster. **

**Peace, Love, and Giraffes,**

**Anonymous Skrtle **


	11. Waking Up

_**Chapter 11**_

"You think Kendall's gonna wake up?" James asked Logan quietly. The three were sitting in the waiting room, waiting for whatever was going to happen next. They knew _something_ was going to happen; they just didn't know _what_.

They all hoped that Kendall would wake up, but not everything they hoped automatically happened. No one would have any problems if that were the case.

Logan sighed loudly, putting his head in his hands. "I don't, James! I really don't… I thought Kendall would wake up by now… but he hasn't. I don't even know if he's gonna wake up at… at a-ll."

James bit his lip, wrapping his arm around Logan while keeping his grip on Carlos, who'd fallen asleep on his lap a few minutes ago. James didn't know how much longer they could last without Kendall. Carlos couldn't stop crying, and now Logan was starting to freak out. Kendall needed to wake up, and fast.

"Don't worry, Logan. Kendall will wake up soon, he just needs time to recover. He'll be fine." James didn't even know if he was convincing himself or Logan.

"Family of Kendall Knight?" James looked up so quickly he felt his neck pop. He didn't even notice the pain.

"We're Kendall's best friends. What's wrong? Is he okay?" James asked hurriedly. The doctor looked at them, his gaze full of pain and grief. James didn't even have to ask; he knew what had happened.

"I'm so sorry, guys… The bleeding was just too much for him… and he didn't make it through the night. I'm so sorry, folks." The doctor turned away, tears in his eyes. He walked away slowly, his head down.

James froze. All he could see was his tears, and all he could hear was the loud noise of blood rushing through his head. Kendall was… dead. Kendall was gone. Forever. And he was never coming back.

Carlos collapsed onto the ground, sobbing. Logan started breathing heavily, his eyes wide like James's.

James felt numb, like a thousand pounds of ice were poured onto him. No… this couldn't be happening. Not so fast. Not so soon. "No… Kendall." James whispered, his hand on his aching heart. It couldn't be. No.

"James?" James heard a voice in the distance. "James, I needa tell ya something…" A soft voice in the distance. Was he dying too? Were the angels coming to get him? At least then he'd see Kendall in heaven.

"James? James, wake up! Please? You're scaring me…" James opened his eyes, expecting to see fluffy clouds and… Kendall. But he saw himself in his own room, Carlos standing over him.

"James? Are… are you okay? I was shaking you but you weren't waking up and I-" James interrupted Carlos by sitting up quickly and holding onto Carlos's shoulders tightly, shaking him.

"Oh my gosh, Carlos! Are you okay? Are you hurt? Did you have a nightmare? Did someone hurt you? I swear, if they did, I-" James stopped talking when Carlos put his hand over his mouth.

"James, I'm fine. It's morning, see? the doctors called and-" Once again, Carlos was interrupted. James pulled Carlos's hand away from his mouth.

"Kendall dead, I know! He's dead… I could've protected him! I could've! But I didn't do a good of enough job, and now he's _dead,_ Carlos, he's _DEAD!_" James screamed loudly. He sobbed loudly, his face in his hands. Kendall was dead… he was dead… and it was all his fault.

Carlos flinched back and opened his mouth to call for Logan. But then James's words sunk in. James thought Kendall was dead… maybe he had a nightmare or something. Kendall wasn't dead. Just the opposite of it, actually.

"J-James?" Carlos asked in a timid voice. He was afraid of what James could do to him in his paranoid state. James was so strong he could beat the crap out of Carlos if he thought Carlos was someone else…

"James! Please stop! Kendall's not dead! The doctors called!" Carlos cried, grabbing onto James's arms firmly. James took a few deep breaths, calming himself down. All he could process was the fact that Carlos had said that Kendall _wasn't_ dead. Kendall was… alive? Could it be? James felt his heart stop beating so fast, his head stop pounding so hard. Kendall was okay.

"James, you… you okay now?"

James rubbed his forehead. "Y-yeah… just had a little panic attack there… I-I'm sorry if I scared ya, buddy. Now what… what was it you wanted to tell me?" James asked weakly, his head aching and his stomach cramping up.

Carlos stared at James with his big brown eyes. James had to admit it was kind of unnerving, staring into those brown orbs. "Well?" James urged Carlos. Carlos flinched, as if the noise had startled him or something.

"Kendall woke up." He stated bluntly. It took James a moment to comprehend what Carlos was saying. Carlos could be so blunt sometimes; he got right to whatever he was going to say. James didn't know if he liked that or not.

"He… he w-woke up?" James asked, disbelief in his voice. Carlos nodded, grinning.

"Yep! Isn't that great, Jamie? We can go see him at the hospital and he's gonna be able to _talk_ and stuff! Let's go, James! Come on! I'll got get Logan!" Before James could respond, Carlos had run off.

James sighed. He decided not to tell Carlos the fact that Kendall could be different now that he'd finally woke up. Kendall may never be the same again. But he couldn't break Carlos like that, not today. He hadn't seen Carlos's bright smile for days now.

James changed quickly, anticipating and fearing the hospital visit. He quickly ran down the stairs, grabbing the keys and putting on his shoes. Logan and Carlos were already there, looking happier than ever.

"Let's go see Kendall!" Logan cheered. Carlos cheered along with him, and the two shorter boys ran down the stairs, leaving James behind to lock the doors up. He didn't expect Logan to be this carefree now that Kendall had woken up… but hey, maybe Logan was trying to be optimistic too. Just like James was. Maybe Kendall would be okay. Maybe he was worrying over nothing.

The ride to the hospital was painfully slow. James would almost curse every time there was a red light, but quickly stopped himself. Carlos hated it when people swore, and Logan would just start lecturing about how James should keep his words "clean" or whatever.

The three boys ran into the hospital, sprinting towards the front desk. "Kendall Knight! We're here to see Kendall!" James shouted. The nurse told them to calm down and follow her. They did.

"Here you are." The nurse stopped in front of Kendall's room. James nodded a quick thanks to her before opening the door quickly. He didn't even hesitate for a second. He felt adrenaline pumping through him; he'd face whatever he had to once he saw Kendall.

When he saw Kendall, James was shocked. Kendall looked perfectly fine. Like nothing had ever happened to him.

"K…Kendall?" Logan asked cautiously. It almost seemed too good to be true. Kendall smiled at them weakly.

"Guys… wh-what happened?" He whispered hoarsely, clearing his throat the best he could.

James walked over, putting his hand on Kendall's shoulder cautiously. Kendall didn't even flinch.

"You got a concussion, Kendall. From hitting your head that day at the hockey game. You were in… in a _coma_ for, like, a week." James explained quietly. He felt Kendall tense up.

The blonde boy sighed. "I'd face palm right now, but I can't move my head too much. It's hurts like,.. really bad." Kendall said, smirking. James sighed in relief. Kendall still had his humor. He was alright.

"Kendall, are you okay? Cuz the doctor said that maybe because of your bleeding-" Kendall made a grunting noise, shutting Logan up.

"Hey, man, I'm fine. Don't worry. Just a little concussion. Carlos gets 'em all the time. It's fine. Really. I'll be better in no time. I'm sorry if I scared you guys, but it takes a lot more to break Kendall Knight." Kendall grinned up at them.

Carlos coughed. "You s-sure? You're sure you're totally fine?" Carlos asked quietly, looking doubtful. Kendall sighed.

"Of course I'm sure, Carlos. I feel fine, except for the stupid pain in my head. Geez, this is like a giant headache times a thousand or something."

Logan rolled his eyes. "Yeah, but the concussions Carlos gets aren't half as bad as the one you got. There was bleeding in your brain for far too long. Kendall, why… why wouldn't you tell there was something wrong in your head?"

Everyone stopped moving. Maybe even breathing. But Kendall just scoffed. "You know who I am. I thought it was nothing. Didn't really think telling you guys was necessary. And see? I'm right. I'm okay now. Nothing ta worry about." James noticed that Kendall was kind of talking in fragments, something he didn't really do often. Kendall's eyes also kept on rolling to the back of his head.

"Kendall, maybe you should get some rest, buddy. You look like you're gonna pass out." Logan pointed out. Carlos nodded along with the genius, looking worried.

"Guys, don't worry. I'm fine. How many times do I have to say that?"

Logan sighed, giving it up. "Alright fine, Kendall. But we're always worried about you. So next time, please tell us what's wrong, even if you think it's nothing?"

Carlos nodded. "Yeah, please?"

James smiled. "Yeah, _please_?" He mimicked Carlos. Kendall grinned at them.

"I promise-" Kendall let out a pained gasp, his eyes rolling all the way back into his head. His started choking violently on something. His shaking hands reached up. His body jerked and convulsed.

"Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh…" Logan breathed out, pacing back and forth. He ran over to Kendall's bed and slammed his fist onto the call button.

Kendall kept on choking, making frightening gasping sounds. Choking on something unknown, his body flopping around like a fish.

James didn't know what was happened, but Kendall was _not_ okay.

**A/N- Depressing, I know…I'm so sorry for doing this to Kendall… but next chapter's gonna be even worse… so prepare yourselves. I'm scared to write it… it's that bad. But Kendall doesn't die, I'll tell ya that. Just to make your day, ya know? **

**Anyways, please review this chapter? Please? I'll try to get the next one up soon, but you know me… I always say that, and look how that turned out. ;)**

**Peace, Love, and Giraffes,**

**Anonymous Skrtle **


	12. Shocking News

_**Chapter 12**_

The doctors came rushing into the room, shouting and calling out to each other. Logan was shoved harshly against the wall, but he didn't care. All he could process was that Kendall was choking. Dying. Deteriorating. Kendall, as in his best friend since third grade Kendall.

Logan felt James's hands on his shoulder, whispering comforting words to him. But Logan couldn't understand what James was saying. All he could comprehend was that Kendall was dying.

"Logan? Logan, buddy, we have to leave. The doctors need space." Logan finally understood the chain of words coming out of James's mouth. He nodded, his shaking hands opening the door and quietly stepping out.

Logan felt like sobbing really hard. Either that or run somewhere and break a bunch of chairs and punch a hole in the wall. Kendall didn't deserve this. He didn't. Kendall was kind to his friends, family, everyone. He was responsible, somewhat smart, a genius in hockey, and a great leader. He didn't deserve the pain he was experiencing right now.

"Logie? Are you okay?" Logan heard someone's voice calling out to him. It sounded distant. Everything sounded distant. Logan's vision was even starting to blur…

In a few seconds, Logan felt himself falling. And then everything was black.

_line line line_

"James? Is… is Logie gonna be okay?" Logan groaned quietly to himself when he woke, his head pounding and his whole body aching. He forced open his eyes, only to shut them again when he saw a blinding light.

"I don't know, buddy. But whatever happens, I'll protect you. No matter what, we'll always stick together, alright?"

"I think Logie's waking up, James! I just saw him open his eyes!"

"Carlos, I don't think- oh, you're right. Hey, Logan. How ya feeling, buddy?" James walked over to where Logan was laying on the couch in the waiting room, his eyes concerned and worried. Just like Kendall's were so many times before.

Logan rubbed his eyes tiredly, sitting up slowly. "What… did I faint?" He asked weakly.

James sighed. "Yeah. But you were only out for, like, an hour. You want some water?" Logan nodded gratefully. When James went to get the water, Carlos sat down hesitantly next to Logan.

"Logie?"

"Yeah, buddy?"

"The doctors haven't come out yet." Logan's heart beat faster. They were still in there? Even after an hour? There was something seriously wrong with Kendall, and Logan was scared to know what it was.

"I'm sure he'll be fine, Carlos. Don't worry. Kendall's strong. He's tough."

Carlos shook his head. "Logie… K-Kendall's not gonna be o-okay, is he?" Logan stared into Carlos's innocent brown eyes. Carlos didn't deserve this. Watching his best friend deteriorate and being able to do nothing. Carlos didn't deserve it. James didn't deserve it. _He_ didn't deserve it. Kendall didn't deserve it.

Logan scoffed, making Carlos flinch. Of course they didn't deserve it. But it always seemed as though the bad things happened to the good people.

James came back with the water, which Logan drank down thirstily. "They're still in there?" Logan asked James quietly. James nodded, confirming Carlos's words. Logan sighed, putting his head in his hands.

"Oh Kendall…" Logan sighed. He was so worried about his blonde friend that he felt like he was going to throw up. His stomach churned, but he tried to ignore it. He didn't even answer Carlos's question, afraid of saying the answer out loud.

But Logan knew Kendall was _not_ alright. There was at least something wrong, it might be something small, but something in Logan's head told him that it was something big.

Logan had always been pessimistic, but this time… he had a feeling that he was right.

"Logie? L-Logan?" Logan looked up when Carlos started pulling on his sleeve.

"What is it, Carlos?"

Carlos bit his lip. "I'm scared… what if K-Kendall's not okay?"

Logan sighed, putting his hand on Carlos's shoulder. "Aw, buddy, it's alright to be scared. We all are. But just remember, if anything happens, we'll stick together and it'll be alright. Got it?"

Carlos tried to smile back, but he just ended up looking down. "O-okay…" He whispered, blinking back his tears.

James sighed, watching Carlos with concerned eyes. He sat down beside Logan, not taking his gaze away from Carlos.

Just then, Logan heard a shuffling noise from his right. He looked up, and almost jumped up. It was the doctor. His face showed no expression, which only made Logan even more nervous.

"Is Kendall alright?" Logan asked, standing up so fast that he almost fell over. James and Carlos looked up too, and James widened his eyes when he saw the doctor.

The doctor walked up to them, his face still blank. "I believe I have some news for you guys. Kendall's seizure is over. It was caused by overflow of blood in his brain. He choked on his blood, boys. But he's alright. As in he's not suffering from a seizure anymore."

Logan nodded, in shock. Kendall choked on his _blood_? "Alright, so he's all good now? We can go see him?"

The doctor suddenly looked devastated. It scared Logan. "Uh, is everything a-alright?" Logan asked slowly.

"We ran some tests, boys… and we have some bad news." The doctor. Logan almost collapsed. Something was wrong… something was seriously wrong. He knew it, _he knew it_…

"What? What's wrong, doctor?" James asked. Carlos clung on to James's shirt, trembling with fear.

The doctor shook his head. "The concussion got too much for Kendall's brain. The blood damaged his brain so much that…" The doctor stopped, looking at the boys sympathetically.

"What? Please, just tell us… we need to know." Logan demanded weakly, his heart thumping loudly.

The doctor stared into Logan's eyes, obviously reaching the conclusion that Logan was the most intelligent in medical matters. "Kendall's been diagnosed with MR. I'm so sorry."

Logan felt like his world was going to be bombed by thousands of atomic bombs. His breath was caught short. This couldn't be happening… this was one of the worst things that could happen to Kendall. No, no, no…

Logan felt black coming into his vision, but he didn't faint. This couldn't be happening… No way. How could this happen to Kendall, to their leader? He didn't deserve this… no one did. Kendall Knight didn't deserve this… he'd never done anything wrong. He was one of the best people Logan knew.

"MR? Wh-what does that s-stand for?" James asked, his voice scared and nervous.

Somehow, Logan was able to reply though his jumbled brain and his blurry vision.

"Mental Retardation." That was when the bombs exploded.

**A/N- Once again… SO SORRY ABOUT THE SLOW UPDATE! I've been so busy and stuff… and I can probably only update on weekends… maybe Tuesday or Wednesday… but not likely. Sorry bout that. **

**But anyways, did this chapter shock you so much that you totally forgot how mad you are at me for not updating for so long? I hope it did… I'm so sorry, Kendall, I'm so sorry for doing this to you.**

**The next chapter may break your heart… maybe. If I decide to make it sad. I still don't know what the next chapter's gonna be about. So yeah. Wish me good luck, folks. ;)**

**Peace, Love, and Giraffes,**

**Anonymous Skrtle **


	13. Even More Guilt

_**Chapter 13**_

Carlos didn't understand.

He didn't understand what was so bad about this whole MR thing Logan and James were crying about. He really didn't get it.

Mental Retardation. He knew what "mental" meant, it meant like your brain or something. But the other long word, he didn't understand. But he didn't want to ask his older friends anytime soon, for they were currently crying their eyes out on the chairs across from him.

If something was bad enough to make James cry, then it was bad. Carlos felt a pit of despair in him. There was something really wrong with Kendall, but he didn't know what exactly it was.

Finally, James and Logan seemed to notice that Carlos wasn't joining their sobbing fest. James sniffled, wiping his eyes. " C-Carlos, buddy, what's wrong?" Carlos admired James for being so concerned about him even when he'd just been crying his eyes out.

Carlos blinked, his face puzzled and worried. "What's mental re-tation?" He asked quietly, trying to pronounce the other long word correctly.

James widened his eyes at Logan, who coughed nervously. How could they explain this to innocent Carlos without breaking his heart and their own? Saying it would mean confirming the fact that Kendall was… that Kendall had…

Logan shook his head. "Well, Carlos... do you know those kids at school who... are different?" Logan started carefully. Carlos looked up at him with wide eyes.

"You mean like those kids who sit in wheelchairs and can't think right?" He asked innocently. The childish way he said it just made the pain worse.

Logan nodded, looking down. James sighed, taking over. "Those kids are… mentally retarded. Retarded means that you're kinda… not right in here, ya know?" James tapped his head with his pointer finger.

Carlos bit his lip. "In your hair?" He asked, scrunching up his face. James almost face-palmed. This wasn't going to be easy.

"No, buddy, in your… not right in the head." He answered slowly. Carlos looked like he was thinking about James and Logan's words. Suddenly, his eyes widened.

"You're saying that K-Kendall's like those weird people?" He asked quietly, his voice high pitched and scared. James shared a glance with Logan, who just sighed sadly.

"I'm sorry, Carlos…" Logan whispered, looking like he'd might start crying soon.

"And h-he's never gonna be normal again?" Carlos asked sadly. Tears welled up in his eyes, and his lower lip started quivering.

James held his arms out, and Carlos gratefully fell into them. "I-I don't want K-Kendall to be like that…" He whimpered, the tears pouring out. Logan couldn't contain his tears and started sniffling too. James hugged Carlos tightly, trying to calm him down.

"Carlos, buddy, I know it's bad, I know… but you have to stay strong for K-Kendall, alright?" James asked, feeling a growing lump in his throat. He tried to swallow it and stroked Carlos's soft hair comfortingly.

Logan met James's glance. The smart boy's face was wet with tears, but he refused to make a sound. James reached over and squeezed Logan's shoulder comfortingly. Logan smiled. It was a small one, but a smile nonetheless.

James felt like he would start crying himself. This was the worst nightmare he'd ever had, except it wasn't a dream; it was his life. Kendall was never going to be the same again. Ever again. He was going to be… mentally retarded. Forever. James didn't think he could accept that without throwing a tantrum. Why, _why_ did this happen to Kendall?

He also hated how much this was hurting his younger friends, too. Logan was freaking out and on the verge of a panic attack. Carlos cried his eyes out every day, and there was nothing James could do about it except get Kendall better. But he couldn't do that. So all he could do was watch Logan and Carlos deteriorate slowly day by day.

But worst of all, he had to watch _himself_ break piece by piece, day by day. He was going to break until he was nothing but a shell of himself. Kendall had destroyed them. But it wasn't his fault… if they'd been better friends, would they have noticed? Could they have prevented this from happening?

Carlos drew away from James, sniffling and wiping his eyes with his sleeve. James smiled gently at Carlos, trying to comfort him. The three sat down next to each other in the hospital chairs, not looking at one another or at the door the held Kendall inside. The Kendall that would never be the same again. Not now, not ever.

Carlos stared down at his hands, trying to keep his tears at bay. This was all his fault, wasn't it? If he weren't so stupid, and dropped the hockey stick, Kendall wouldn't have tripped over it. Kendall would still be fine if it weren't for Carlos.

Carlos chewed on his lip nervously. This was all his fault. James and Logan would realize that and they'd all hate him, and then he'd be alone forever and Kendall would die and he'd live with cats for the rest of his life and maybe the cats wouldn't even want him-

"Are we going to see him?" Carlos was jerked out of his thoughts when Logan spoke up. James froze, staring down at the ground.

"I... I don't know if I can…" Logan admitted, a blush on his cheeks. James looked up and let out a long breath.

"Whenever you guys are ready… I'm as ready as I'll ever be." Even Carlos could tell that James really wasn't ready. Again, he was just trying to stay strong for them.

Carlos nodded, returning back to his guilt filled thoughts. Stupid, stupid, _stupid_ him… He was _always_ the one screwing up, the one messing things up, the one who ruined all the fun. But the was the worst thing he'd ever done. He'd ruined someone's _life_. And what made it worse was that it was his _best friend's_ life, the one he looked up to. His role model. Carlos had ruined his leader, he'd destroyed him.

He was so stupid. Carlos would never forgive himself for doing this to Kendall, and he knew deep inside James and Logan's heads, they blamed him too. Carlos bet they didn't even want a friend like him anymore…

Carlos tried not to think about how badly he'd messed up. Instead, he focused on the door and thought about the things that lay ahead for them.

He didn't think he could stand going in and seeing Kendall, the totally different Kendall. The one who'd never be the same again all because of his stupidity. Carlos couldn't do it. He didn't want to and he couldn't.

"Let's go." Logan, who hadn't wanted to see Kendall a second ago, now stood up, brushing his hands on his jeans, and started walking towards Kendall's room. James stood up, following Logan. Then he stopped and turned back around, suddenly remembering that Carlos was still sitting there and not following them.

"Carlos, buddy, are you gonna come with us?" Carlos licked his lips nervously. He didn't want to go… but he didn't want to keep them back. He'd already messed up big time… he couldn't burden his friends anymore.

"A-Alright." Carlos forced himself to stand up, and for his feet to follow James and Logan into Kendall's room. Step by step. Inch by inch.

Kendall was never going to be the same again.

And it was all his fault.

**A/N- Aw, poor Carlos, he feels so guilty about this… now I'm gonna hafta do some research on this disease Kendall has… cuz I only know the basic… maybe not even those. ;) And that heartbreaking chapter? It wasn't this one, but it's probably gonna be the next one. ;) Not that this one WASN'T heartbreaking…**

**Anyways, please review if ya can? And I KNOW almost all of you can… so please? ;) **

**Oh, and those of you who read my other Carlos angst story "Vanishing", there's another AWESOME story that you should check out. It almost just like mine, where Carlos goes to high school and everything just… well, falls apart. It's called "Only Hope" by GlambertLovesBTR **

**Check it out PLEASE! It's such a great story! **

**Peace, Love, and Giraffes,**

**Anonymous Skrtle **


	14. Transformed

_**Chapter 14**_

The first thing James noticed when he stepped into Kendall's hospital room was Kendall himself. The blonde was lying so still on his bed that he looked… well, _dead_. Kendall was usually so tough and always on the go; seeing him so weak and helpless lying in a hospital was almost too much for James.

James shook his feeling of unease off, trying not to worry. He had to stay strong for Kendall, for Logan, for Carlos. But he didn't think he could anymore.

Mrs. Knight was on her way to hospital with Katie, too. When she'd heard about Kendall's… well, _disease_, she'd broken down. James, Logan, and Carlos had to calm her down while Katie stood by the corner with tears in her eyes.

Suddenly, Kendall stirred. The sudden noise startled all three boys, and they quickly turned toward the noise.

"Is he… waking up?" Logan whispered quietly, not wanting to be too loud. James knew that none of them wanted Kendall to wake up, at least not yet. They were scared of what they'd find when Kendall came back into the conscious world.

"I think so." James replied, rubbing and twiddling with his hands nervously. Was this it? Was this the time they finally saw who Kendall was now?

It was. Kendall blinked his green eyes open, and his eyes held something different in them. Something that wasn't really… well, Kendall. James had seen it in Carlos's eyes all the time… it was innocence. Innocence and confusion, as if he didn't know who they were.

James froze. His heart stopped beating. What if Kendall _didn't_ remember them? What would they do then? Nothing would ever be the same again… Kendall would never be the same again. James felt his knees go weak, but then Kendall smiled.

"James?" Kendall's voice was slurred, like he was mumbling in his sleep. His smile was a little… well, it looked a little _insane. _Like a smile a… retarded person would smile.

That smile changed everything. James was even more scared than before. This was worse than if Kendall forgot who they were. Kendall was… he would never be the same again, would he? And that was what James was scared most of.

"Hey, Kendall. How are you, buddy?" James was surprised to see Logan talking to the blonde like nothing was wrong. James had expected him to be panicking like crazy about now. But once again, James was wrong.

"Where's mommy?" Kendall slurred, his eyes unfocused and wide. James gulped, clearing his throat uncomfortably.

"She's, uh, coming, Kendall. Soon." He added. Talking to Kendall like he was talking to Carlos was a little… weird. Uncomfortable. Really really weird. Kendall was their leader… and now they were talking to him like he was a baby.

"I want my mommy! I want mommy!" Kendall cried, whacking his hand around, hitting Carlos in the process. The shorter boy flinched, staring at Kendall with wide eyes.

James took Kendall's hand. "Hey, buddy, calm down. Your mommy is coming. Promise. L-Look, there she is!" Luckily, Mrs. Knight was actually making her way over with Katie by her side. James breathed out a breath.

"Mommy!" Kendall cried, trying to sit up. James held him down while Mrs. Knight ran over, Katie following behind her.

"Kendall, honey, don't cry. Mommy's here, alright?" Mrs. Knight looked so broken, so sad seeing her son changed into someone so different, but she tried to hide it. James sighed, his heart feeling like it was cracking in two. This wasn't supposed to happen. _None _of this was suppose to happen.

"Mommy, it's coming." Kendall whimpered, shaking his head back and forth.

"What is, honey?" Mrs. Knight asked worriedly.

"The monster. The boogie monster." Kendall whined.

Mrs. Knight ruffled Kendall's dirty blonde hair. "Honey, there's no monster. It's just us."

Kendall giggled. It was an odd sound coming from him. "This stick is funny." He squealed, his words still a little slurred. He pointed at the hockey stick on his shirt. His Minnesota Wilds shirt. The shirt he only wore on happy days.

Before anyone could answer Kendall, he'd already closed his eyes and fallen asleep. Everyone seemed to deflate like a balloon without enough air, watching Kendall practically transform into a different person right in front of their eyes.

Mrs. Knight was the first to break the painful silence. "Oh, my poor baby…" She let out a broken sob, falling onto her knees. Logan caught her, telling her not to worry and speaking comforting words into her ears. Empty promises, that's all those words were.

James sighed, turning towards Carlos and Katie. Katie looked like she was frozen in shock, pain and fear etched on her face. Carlos's lips quivered, and James could tell that the only thing keeping him from crying was Katie.

"Katie, you alright?" James asked quietly. Mrs. Knight's sobs were muffled by Logan's shirt, and Katie looked like she'd just seen a ghost. Well, she kinda had… a ghost of the old Kendall.

Katie turned and looked at James, her eyes full of pain and confusion. "Why… why'd this happen to Kendall?" She whispered, his voice cracking and so sad that James wanted to break down right then and there.

James gulped, wrapping his arms around Katie comfortingly. "I don't know, baby girl. But sometimes, bad things happen to good people." It wasn't fair. Kendall was a hero, a leader, a role model. Nothing this bad was supposed to happen to people as great as Kendall Knight.

"I-I just don't get it… I want my Big Brother back," Katie whispered as a tear came down her face. James had rarely see Katie cry. He'd probably seen Logan, Carlos, and even Kendall cry more times than he'd seen Katie cry. If this was enough to make Katie cry… then something was really wrong.

James scoffed to himself. _Of course_ something was wrong. Right when James saw that horrible smile Kendall had smiled at him when he'd woken up, he knew something was wrong. Kendall was never going to be the same again. Never. Never again.

James didn't know why he wasn't crying. He didn't understand why he wasn't sitting with Mrs. Knight, sobbing with her and Logan, who had broken down next to her by now, too.

Maybe it was because he had people he had to stay strong for. He was the leader now… now that Kendall was gone. Or maybe it was because he was just… in shock or something. Yeah, that was probably it. He was just in shock. Or maybe not.

"I don't get it either, Katie… I really don't." James whispered back, swallowing the lump in his throat that was slowly increasing in size.

Katie just nodded, her big brown eyes staring at James. James admired her for being so brave… she was probably braver than he felt at the moment. She was only 11, and yet she was so mature, so courageous.

Mrs. Knight muttered something with Kendall's name in it, and Katie walked away to where her mom was sitting. Mrs. Knight looked up, and the two females hugged each other tightly. James looked away, afraid he would start tearing up, too.

James turned towards Carlos when he heard a sniffle coming from the younger boy. James wrapped his arm around Carlos protectively, pulling him in tight.

"Carlos, buddy, you alright? Don't be scared, it's gonna be okay." James said comfortingly. Carlos just buried his face into James's shoulder.

"It's n-not gonna be okay, James…" He whispered, tears running down his face. James's heart broke. Seeing Carlos and Katie and Logan and Mrs. Knight… and Kendall… so broken and sad made James fill with despair. This wasn't supposed to be happening. They were all supposed to be smiling and living a normal life. Why did everything have to ruin it?

"I know, little bro. I'm sorry. But we'll stick together, and we'll have to stay strong for Kendall, alright?" Carlos just nodded. James reached out and squeezed Carlos's hand in his.

"It'll get better, Carlos. Really." Carlos shaky fingers eagerly squeezed back, a small smile on his face.

They all sat in that room, Kendall's room, every single heart and soul slowly disintegrating and falling into a bottomless pit of devastation.

Things were going to get worse before they got better.

**A/N- Hey… it's me again. *chuckles nervously* Please don't hurt me? I'm really sorry… really really REALLY sorry for not updating in such a long time… I'll try to update more often, but now that I'm in high school, I'm a little more busy, ya know? ;)**

**And Big Time Gold was AMAZING! Logan's totally a SUPERFRIEND! I think my favorite guy in this episode was Logie! Cuz he's just awesome like that, ya know? And when Kendall was all like "PLEASE don't do that at the store!" That totally made my week! :)**

**Anyways, poor Kendall (we're talking about the painfully slowly updated story again)… my heart almost broke writing this. Did your hearts almost break reading this? **

**Peace, Love, and Giraffes,**

**Anonymous Skrtle :)**


	15. Denial, Grief, and Anger

_**Chapter 15**_

Apartment 2J seemed much more gloomy and sad without the presence of a certain blonde boy. Kendall Knight.

The three boys couldn't help but notice that there was now no one sitting in front of the TV, shouting and cursing occasionally at a foolish hockey mistake of one of the players of the Minnesota Wild. They couldn't help but notice that Logan no longer had a roommate. They couldn't help but notice there was no one storming through the door complaining about Jo.

They hadn't noticed how horribly empty the world was without Kendall until Kendall was actually… gone, in a way. Kendall was their leader, and the boys had never even thought about what would happen if Kendall was ever gone… they'd never thought that day would come so quickly.

Logan shook his head. Kendall wasn't _gone…_ he was just… _different. _But Logan could tell which one was worse in their situation.

Logan hadn't remembered seeing anything as scary as when Kendall had flailed his arms around, calling desperately for him mommy to save him from the boogie monsters. That wasn't something a 17 year old said. That wasn't something the fearless and tough _Kendall Knight_ said. That was something a 6 year old would say. And no matter what age, it wasn't something Kendall said.

Logan didn't mind sleeping by himself. He knew that Carlos needed James's protection at night, and James was willing to provide it. Logan had always been independent, but he couldn't help but feel left out.

Katie had Mrs. Knight, and the other way around, because they were, well, _family_. And Logan bet it hurt more than anything to see your son or your big brother in the hospital with mental issues.

Carlos had James, and even though James probably wouldn't admit it, Carlos helped James endure the challenges, too. James would give up his life protecting Carlos. He was so protective and sweet to his younger friend that almost nothing could ever break them apart.

But who did Logan have? Kendall, that's who. Well, that's who Logan _used_ to have. Now Kendall was in the hospital, and he'd never be the same again. Logan was surprised that he wasn't crying about that at the moment. He was in shock. That was definitely what it was. He was in shock and denial. And he was okay with that.

What he wasn't okay with was that his leader, his best friend, his buddy, was gone. Maybe not literally, but mentally, he was gone. There'd never again be someone like Kendall who'd help him with Camille, with life, with overcoming his fears and anxieties, with pretty much anything. And Logan would never be able to help Kendall with Jo, with homework, with anything. And that was what hurt the most.

He'd never be getting Kendall back. Never.

And that was when it all registered in Logan's mind.

Kendall was _gone_. G-o-n-e, gone. Gone. And he was never coming back. There would be no more encouraging speeches, no more shouting fights with Gustavo, no more forgetting girlfriends' birthdays, no more hockey games, no more anything. Their close to a decade long friendship had ended. And there was no way of getting it back.

Logan finally collapsed onto the floor of his bedroom, his hand holding onto Kendal's bedpost for support. Kendall. It even still had his scent on it. Kendall, his mature and crazy friend. Gone.

When the first tear started to fall, there was no way Logan could stop the rest. All he could think of was Kendall. Kendall's face when he thought the boogie monster was coming for him, his cried for his mom, everything. It just kept on coming back and haunting him, mocking him. _Kendall's gone, Logan. Nothing's ever going to replace him. _

Logan didn't even notice the door opening and someone stepping in quietly. He didn't notice someone's hand on his shoulder until they started speaking. For a hopeful moment, Logan had thought it was Kendall. The impossibility of that only made him cry harder.

"Logie, don't cry." Carlos's sweet voice somehow floated into his chaotic mess of a mind. Logan tried to shake the younger boy's hand off, but Carlos was stronger than he looked.

"Logan, what's wrong?" Logan calmed down a little, his heart beating fast and hard. Kendall was gone. But he didn't seem to have any tears left.

"Kendall's g-gone now, isn't he? We'll never have him back again." Logan whispered hoarsely, taking a shaky breath.

Carlos shook his head. "Kendall's not gone, he's just sick, he-" Carlos was interrupted when Logan shot up his head and glared at him.

"What are you, _stupid_?" Logan shouted, anger replacing his denial and grief. Carlos flinched, but didn't say anything.

"Kendall's never gonna get better. He's just gonna be like this for the rest of our lives!" Logan shouted, tears streaming down his face. "He's _never_ coming back!"

Carlos took his hand off of Logan's shoulders, tears in his eyes. "Logan, p-please don't say that. You don't know if-" Once again, Logan interrupted him.

"Yes I do! I'm the one how wants to be a doctor! I know he's never gonna get better! Never! So stop being so stupid and realize the reality of it!" Logan raised his hands and shoved Carlos backwards with all his might. His anger was taking over. Kendall was gone; why couldn't Carlos just accept that?

Carlos flew back, his back hitting the door loudly. He crumpled to the floor, obviously winded from the shove. The red suddenly faded from Logan's head, his anger vanished like a disappearing mist.

He had just shoved Carlos. He'd just shoved his best friend into the door. Logan's anger melted into sadness. Kendall was really gone… and he'd probably lost Carlos's friendship by now, too. After all, he _had_ called Carlos stupid two times, _and_ hurt him.

Logan sniffled. "Carlos, I-I'm sorry. I didn't' mean it, really." Logan kneeled down beside Carlos, who was blinking back the tears forming in his eyes.

"Carlos, I'm so sorry. Are you hurt?" When Carlos didn't answer, Logan turned him around and lifted his shirt, revealing his open back.

Part of his back was covered with painful looking bruises from where it hit the door, and skin was peeling off from where he hit the sharp door handle. Logan gasped when he saw the how red and purple it looked. And then he almost punched himself when he saw the blood.

There wasn't much, but the fact that there was blood made Logan want to kick himself where it hurt. He'd hurt Carlos _and_ made him bleed. He was a monster, wasn't he? Without Kendall there, all he was was a monster. He needed Kendall back.

"Oh, man, Carlos… I'm so sorry! I'm sorry, buddy, I just got mad and-"

Carlos smiled at him, wincing at the pain in his back. "I-I'ts fine, Logie. I know you're upset about Kendall. We all are. But I know that you and Kendall were, like, the bestest best friends. It must hurt even more than it does with me and James."

Logan felt even more guilty. Carlos would never hurt a soul, and even after Logan had practically broke his back, he still forgave him and tried to comfort him.

"Yeah, but that gave me no reason to push you. I'm _so_ sorry, Carlos. Here, I'll go get my first aid kit and fix ya up, alright?" Carlos nodded. Logan pulled him up carefully, and brought him into the kitchen.

As if he wasn't feeling bad enough, James was sitting by the kitchen counter, watching the two shorter boys. "Dude, what happened in there? It sounded like something being thrown around in there." Logan looked down, opening the cabinet door and taking out the kit.

"Nothing. It was just a little…" Carlos trailed off, not knowing how to finish.

Logan shook his head. He couldn't have Carlos cover up for him. "No. It's just… I had a little freak out. And I kinda took it out on him…" Logan added quietly, his face red with shame.

Honestly, Logan expected James to punch him. James was so protective of Carlos, and Logan would've thought that his best friend hurting his little brother would be enough for James to get all angry. But James just nodded, his face sad.

"You're… you're not mad at me?" Logan squeaked, surprised.

James smiled. "Of course not. You didn't mean to, and we all get mad. And Kendall and you were always close. It's harder for you." James grabbed the box from Logan's hand, fixing up Carlos's back without making a comment.

"Hey, you okay?" Logan looked up when James spoke again. Was_ he _okay? Carlos just got hurt and James was asking if _he_ was okay?

"I'm… I'm fine. I'm sorry." Logan whispered, the last part directed at Carlos.

James wrapped his arm around Logan's shoulders. "Hey, don't apologize. Nobody's perfect. Carlos is fine, it's nothing life threatening. And if you ever need a shoulder to lean on, well, I'm always here, alright?" Logan smiled back.

"Yeah, Logie. If you're sad, you can always count on us." Carlos added, a bright smile on his face. Logan's smile grew even wider. He had the best friends ever.

"Alright. Thanks, James. And you too, Carlos."

But no one could ever replace Kendall Knight.

**A/N- So… QUICK UPDATE? How ya likin it? Anyways, the first quarter is ending tomorrow, so don't have much to do today! Hehe, I almost wrote "toady" instead of "today"! So yeah… what's knew? Oh, I'm going to Michigan for the weekend. So yeah. What's up with your lives? ;)**

**Anyways, please review and maybe I can update this fast again! Poor little Logie, freaking out on poor little Carlos. **

**Peace, Love, and Giraffes,**

**Anonymous Skrtle **


	16. Carlos

_**Chapter 16**_

Carlos sighed as he read article after article about Kendall's… disease on his laptop. Big Time Rush was definitely gone by now, and Carlos doubted Gustavo or Kelly would ever even try to get it back.

After all, there was no Big Time Rush without Kendall Knight, was there? He was the lead singer, the lead everything. Without their leader, nothing could continue.

But what bothered Carlos the most was the comments after all the articles. News had gotten out that _someone_, who was anonymous for the moment, had tripped Kendall with a hockey stick, causing the life-changing concussion.

And almost every single comment at the bottom were about how much people wanted to get revenge on the person who'd tripped Kendall with that hockey stick. That was funny because a bunch of fans of Big Time Rush wanted to kill Carlos, a member of the band.

But Carlos couldn't blame them. Stupid actions had their consequences. He still blamed himself 100% for Kendall's concussion… he'd ruined Kendall's life. And Kendall would never, ever, get better. He couldn't even say sorry because Kendall's mind was too messed up for him to even understand or take it sincerely.

Carlos wiped away the tears forming in his brown eyes. He didn't deserve to cry. James did, Logan did, Kendall did, Mrs. Knight did, Katie, did, everyone else did, but not him. He made the mistake; he was the one being stupid. He didn't deserve to cry over something he'd done.

But Carlos couldn't keep himself from crying. Every bad thing that happened, he just _had_ to cry, He just _had_ to sit in James's lap and cry his eyes out. He was so pathetic. Pathetic and stupid, that's what he was. That was all that he was.

He couldn't help but feel like he deserved that push yesterday. He deserved Logan's push. He deserved to suffer for what he did. His back hurt like crazy, but he deserved it. He deserved it more than anyone.

The Latino boy put his head in his hands, taking deep breaths to keep himself from crying. Kendall was never going to be the same again. He wouldn't be that hockey loving, clever and sly boy that Carlos had known practically his whole life. He still remembered the day he'd met Kendall.

His mom made him try out for the pee wee hockey team. But when he got there, he was scared by all the kids who were bigger than him, so he hid in the bathroom and cried there until someone found him.

"What's wrong?" The boy had asked. Carlos had thought he was going to kick him or something.

"N-nofing." He whispered, wishing this boy would just leave him alone.

The boy didn't. "I know something's wrong, so you gotta tell me. Or else I'm gonna tell the teacher." Carlos had widened his eyes at this, but the boy just laughed.

"I'm just kidding. But really, what's wrong?" He'd seemed genuinely concerned, and so Carlos thought he could trust this boy.

Carlos remembered wiping the tears on his shirt. "I'm scared of da big kids. I doon wanna twyout." He'd still had trouble pronouncing his words back then.

Kendall had smiled his big smile and stuck out his hand. "It's alright. You can come with me and I'll keep ya safe. Cuz friends do that right?"

"You wanna be my fwiend?" Carlos had asked happily. Kendall nodded, his adorable blonde bangs bobbing up and down on his head.

"Of course! I'm Kendall Knight. Like da knight in shining armor."

Carlos grinned back. "I'm Carwos. My daddy's a powice offica."

"Woah! That's really cool! I… I don't have a daddy." Kendall had looked down, a sad look in his eyes. "He died when I was real little."

Carlos didn't know what to say. He'd never met someone without a daddy before. How was that even possible? "Oh… I-I'm sowwy." He'd whispered, ashamed of himself for making this happy boy sad.

Kendall just shrugged. "Whatever, cuz I have a cool mommy and a baby sister. She's real little, like the size of you skate." Carlos had giggled at that. That was one small baby.

"Dat's cool. I doon haf any babies in my house."

Kendall laughed. "Ready to go now? Don't worry, my friend James and Logan are really nice. Everyone's nice, really. They're big and nice." Carlos had remembered that he liked Kendall's smile.

"Okay. I-I guess I'm weady."

Kendall had dragged Carlos out of the bathroom, and the tryouts had gone great.

And they'd been friends ever since.

It hurt to think that all that was over now. Kendall would never be there to comfort him and the guys anymore. He'd never be able to give one of his encouraging speeches anymore. Carlos would never be able to fight for the platinum controller with Kendall anymore. And the worst part was, the controller _was_ actually Kendall's. But Kendall would probably never even play video games again. And it was all because of him. All his fault. All stupid Carlos's fault.

Carlos was so busy making himself feel guilty that he didn't notice James coming into the room to get his jacket. "Hey, bud, something wrong?" Carlos blinked away his tears and looked up at James, forcing a cheerful smile.

"Nope, everything's good. Just thinking." Carlos replied. He couldn't let James know something was wrong. It would just remind James of how Carlos had dropped the hockey stick, how Carlos was to blame for all of this.

He just didn't want James mad at him. He already felt bad enough.

_You deserve to feel bad. You ruined Kendall's life!_ A voice shouted in Carlos's head. He winced at the painfully true words. The voice was right. He deserved the pain and guilt.

James looked at Carlos with concern. " Don't lie to me, Carlos. Is something really wrong?"

Carlos sucked at lying, put somehow, he managed to pull it off this time. "No, I'm fine, just my back hurts a little. Logan's actually really strong, did you know that?" He asked, trying to change the subject. Luckily, James didn't notice his feeble attempt to talk about something else.

"Well, if something's wrong, buddy… you know I'm always here for you and Logan, right?" Carlos grinned at his older friend and nodded.

"Thanks, James." James smiled back and left the room.

Carlos let out a shaky breath. He really wanted to tell James what was wrong. That was always his first instinct: to seek James's comfort when he was feeling bad in any way.

But he was scared that James might just get mad at him for hurting Kendall. What if James suddenly realized that this was all Carlos's fault after Carlos told him what was bothering him? What if James told Logan, Logan agreed, and then they both hated him for the rest of his life?

Kendall, James, and Logan were pretty much his only friends. Carlos was a people person, bur usually people thought he was weird or annoying or simply just stupid. And he was really having a hard time proving them wrong. If James and Logan left him, Carlos didn't know what he would do.

He couldn't lose James or Logan. No.

He kept on scrolling down, forcing himself to read all the comments just to make himself feel worse and worse. One statement caught his eyes.

_Maybe Kendall's parents should sue whoever hurt Kendall. They deserve it._

If he told Mrs. Knight, Mrs. Knight would sue his family, wouldn't she? She'd be so angry she'd sue a lot of money, and Carlos's family wouldn't be able to pay it off and then they'd go bankrupt and it would all be Carlos's fault and-

Carlos's thoughts were interrupted when he heard a loud crash. He quickly shut the top of his laptop, opening the door hesitantly. He was afraid to look out and see what had happened.

When he finally rounded up enough courage to glance out cautiously, what he saw made him freeze. His heart felt like it had stopped beating.

He couldn't believe what he was seeing.

**A/N- Oh, so what do you think poor little Carlos saw? Something great or something bad? You're call. Tell me what ya think in a REVIEW! I love those things, if you haven't noticed yet. ;) **

**Anyways, LOVED Big Time Rescue. Loved the music video with all the dogs (though I really don't like dogs, but I DO like the BTR dogs), and poor little Carlos getting pushed around by the Jennifer. And Kendall with his pink sweater! :) And it was SO sweet how Gustavo made his password "my dogs" because it was something he loved. AWWWWW! And I loved how Katie and Gustavo were telling each other how much they loved each other! AWWWWW again!**

**Alright, enough of my rant. Hope you liked this chapter, and I'll TRY to update soon. You know what that mean. ;) Oh, and did you hear the next episode if BIG TIME BLOOPERS! I'm so excited! **

**Anyways, peace, love, and giraffes,**

**Anonymous Skrtle **


	17. Not Good Enough

_**Chapter 17**_

**A/N- Oh, just so you guys know… this takes place the night before what happened with Carlos last chapter. So yeah. ;) Sorry if I'm confusing you or anything. ;) **

James watched sadly as Logan and Carlos ate their dinners without a word. Carlos never played with his dinosaur chicken nuggets anymore, and Logan hadn't picked up a book in days. It broke James's heart seeing how horribly broken his two younger friends seemed.

He kept on watching, not making a noise, as Logan got up and took all their plates and placed them in the dishwasher. He got it started, and the noise of it seemed to penetrate throughout the apartment, breaking the uncomfortable silence. James was grateful for it.

"I'm gonna head on to bed, okay?" Logan suddenly said. James felt bad that Logan had to sleep by himself, but Logan claimed that he liked being alone. And James couldn't just leave Carlos by himself.

James felt Carlos's gaze staring into him, and after putting on his "everything's going to be okay" façade, turned towards his friend. "What's up, buddy? You doing okay?"

Carlos nodded. "Yeah… I-I'm gonna go sleep too." He stood up, and James knew that was his cue to stand up also. It was silently agreed that whenever Carlos wanted to sleep, James would go with him. It was the least he could do.

James tucked Carlos in and sat on his bed until the younger boy fell asleep. James sighed, watching Carlos's peaceful breathing. In and out, up and down… James couldn't help but think that he wasn't taking care of Logan and Carlos enough.

Logan couldn't stop having major freak outs every time they talked about Kendall, and Carlos woke up _every_ night with some horrible nightmare that kept him up for hours. And what was worse was that James couldn't do anything to help them, except try and comfort them and tell them false hopes that even Carlos knew weren't true.

He control Logan's panic attacks, he couldn't stop Carlos from having nightmares. How did Kendall do it, taking care of everyone so well? All James could do was stand by and put a hand on Logan's shoulder while he gasped for breath, and sit in Carlos's bed while the younger boy cried himself back to sleep.

He wasn't good enough. He wasn't as good as Kendall… he couldn't replace what Kendall had been. He just wasn't good enough.

James sighed as he walked into Logan's bedroom, checking on the smart boy. Logan was lying in bed, his eyes wide open. When he saw James enter, he sat up, rubbing his eyes. "Hey."

James nodded, sitting down beside Logan. "Hey, man, you okay?"

Logan bit his lip, looking down at his lap. "Well, fine as one could be in a situation like this." He said, trying to lighten the mood. James forced a smile out so Logan wouldn't feel awkward.

"Yeah, I know… I didn't realize how hard Kendall's job was. Keeping us all in check, ya know?" James blurted out, not even knowing the words were out until he heard them himself.

Logan glanced at James, and James didn't like the sympathy in his eyes. He didn't need sympathy. He was supposed to protect this fragile boy sitting in front of him. He was supposed to protect his little brother from another mother, little Carlos, who couldn't seem to stop crying. He was supposed to protect sweet little Katie, whose Big Brother, her role model, was in the hospital slowly deteriorating. He was supposed to protect Mrs. Knight, whose only son was in the hospital, possibly leaving her just as her husband had.

He was supposed to protect Kendall, who was in the hospital doing who knew what. Kendall, who'd protected them and kept them going all these years. Kendall had been there for them for more than a decade, and when he finally stepped down, James wasn't able to take his place.

James didn't get it. How could Kendall be so… almost perfect? How could Kendall handle it when Logan had a panic attack, or when Carlos woke up screaming, or when James was freaking out about his face? It had been a month, and James was already starting to grow crazy.

He couldn't be Kendall; he'd never be able to replace his leader. No one could. But especially not him. He couldn't do this. He couldn't. And he was ashamed of it. Kendall would never, _ever_, step down from protecting his friends. But that was exactly what James wanted to do now.

Logan sighed, pulling his knees up to his chest. "James, you know you can't always be the leader, right? I could always step up, if you want. I may not do good under pressure… but I'll always be there for my best friends." James smiled at Logan. Logan would make a better leader than him, James was sure of it…

But he still shook his head. "It's alright, I'm fine. But when I need you, I'll tell ya, okay?" Logan nodded.

"Okay, but still… it's okay to cry, it's okay to act weak… we still love you. You're not letting us down." James almost scoffed out loud. He _was_ letting them all down, he just knew it. He was letting his friends down. He was pathetic. He couldn't even be there for his friends when they needed him.

"I… I'm sorry." James whispered.

"For what?"

"I can't ever replace, Kendall, can I?" James whispered, tears in his eyes. He was ashamed when some started rolling down his face. Logan put his hand on his shoulder, tears in his eyes too.

"James, no one can completely replace another person. Especially not someone like Kendall Knight. But you're doing the best anyone can, alright? No one else could have done what you have."

James blinked his tears away. "You r-really think so?"

Logan nodded, firm and sure. "I know so."

The two boys stared at each other, sniffling. Finally, James stood up, sighing. "Get some rest, alright? You look like you need it."

Logan grinned. "I feel like it, too. Where are you going?"

James gestured outside. "I'm gonna go check on him." They both knew who "him" was.

Logan nodded. "Take care of him, alright? And if you ever need help… I'm kinda an insomniac, so…" James nodded.

"I'll call you, I know. But try and get some sleep, alright?" He left the room and Logan muttered a quick "good night".

James was right on time, too, because right when he closed the door shut, he heard cries and whimpers from the room he shared with Carlos. James sighed tiredly, quickly walking into the room and taking Carlos into his arms.

"Carlos, buddy, what's up? Was it another nightmare?" He was already expecting the nod. This was already the second week in a row.

"Y-you weren't there when I woke up, J-James… I was scared." He whispered in a small voice. James sighed, a headache starting to come.

"Oh, I'm sorry, Carlos… but really, maybe you shouldn't always depend on me. Try taking care of yourself, okay? Y-you're… you're wearing me out, buddy." James sighed, putting his head in his hands. He didn't want Carlos to feel bad… but all this crying was just… it was just making him feel even more worthless. He couldn't even do anything to stop the nightmares.

He bet Kendall could have.

Carlos pressed his face into James's shirt, sobbing quietly. "I-I don't want you to be sick t-too, James…" He cried, his small body trembling. James didn't think he was sick physically… but maybe his was sick mentally. In a different way from Kendall, though.

James rubbed Carlos's back, desperately trying to calm Carlos down, his head swimming and his eyelids drooping. He didn't want to be the leader anymore, not that he'd been a good one; he just couldn't do it. He just wanted to retire for a while. He just wanted to stop worrying about reality…

"J-James? D-don't cry." James was surprised to find tears streaming down his face. Now he was crying in front of Carlos. Great. Just great.

James tried to force out a smile. He was glad it was dark in the room. "I'm alright, buddy… j-just worried bout Kendall, ya know?"

Carlos sniffled. "I am too." He choked out. "B-but please don't cry, James… I-I'm sorry I made you sick."

James chuckled, despite the circumstances. "Oh, Carlos, you're not the one making me sick… just go to sleep alright?"

Carlos nodded, his eyelids already drooping. He wrapped his arms around James's waist and put his head on his shoulder. James had to admit that the motion comforted himself as well. "I love you, James…" Carlos whispered, so softly James almost didn't catch it.

James sighed. He was doing such a crappy job; how could Logan and Carlos still assure him he was doing great when he was doing such a crappy job. They didn't love him, he wasn't Kendall. He'd never be Kendall. He'd never even be _close_ to who Kendall was.

James Diamond was just a face, wasn't he? Just pretty on the outside, nothing else. James tried to blink back the tears of frustration, hurt, and anger out of his hazel eyes. He hugged Carlos tightly. "I love you, too, little buddy."

But by then, Carlos was asleep already.

_Line line line_

James didn't get any sleep the night before. Maybe an hour, probably less. He just stayed awake thinking about Kendall… how James Diamond wasn't good enough. How Kendall was.

He really tried his best, he really did. But he couldn't even start to compare himself with Kendall. Kendall was just everything he couldn't be.

James stood up, stretched, then walked over to Carlos's bed to check on the younger boy. Carlos's chest rose and fell gently, his breathing peaceful and even. He was in his little world of corndogs and rainbows and kittens. James never wanted him to leave that world.

Kissing the boy on the head, James closed the door behind him as he walked into Logan's room. The small boy was snoring softly, his arm over his forehead. As James got closer, though, he saw dried tear tracks running down Logan's face. Just another way he'd screwed up. Logan had comforted him, yet he hadn't been there for Logan.

"You're pathetic, James." James muttered to himself bitterly. He tucked Logan in gently, waling out of the room and into the bright apartment outside. He glanced at the swirly slide Carlos hadn't been on in weeks, the TV that hadn't even been touched for weeks, and then down at the pool, which no one had even thought about for weeks. And it was all his fault. He could've kept them happy, but he failed time and time again.

James didn't know how long he'd just stood there, thinking about how big of a failure he was and how he was bringing everyone down and how if Kendall were here, he'd know what to do. He stared and stared, watching the birds fly and someone in the pool lying in a tube thingy as if nothing was wrong in their life. James wanted to punch that kid.

James finally looked away, walking over to the kitchen and pulling open a high cabinet about the kitchen counter, standing on a stool. He stood on his tippy toes until he felt the rough texture of the bottle. He brought it down, staring at it.

It was Carlos's bottle of Ritalin. He hadn't taken one in a long time, since after Kendall's little accident… Carlos really had no need to be so hyper anymore. He was too busy grieving and crying over Kendall. And with James as his leader, no one could blame him.

They said if you just ate a few pills of this stuff, you could automatically be pulled into a world with no pain, no worries, just blissful joy. And right now, that sounded perfect to James.

But right when he was about to open the cap, he forgot about the stool he was currently perched atop. His foot stepped into midair, and he didn't even have time to yelp in surprise before he fell painfully onto the ground.

His head crashed harshly into the kitchen counter on his way down. James thought he saw red in his vision. His legs sent a burst of pain through him, and he groaned in agony. He dropped the bottle, all its contents spilling out and all over the floor. His head throbbed, his legs felt like they had broke, and his arm had taken quite a fall, too.

James didn't remember feeling so much pain in a long time. "Ugh…" James groaned, trying to hold back a whimper. He had to get up, he had to go and take care of… Katie and Logie… and Carlos and… the pain was too much. He felt his vision blurring, but he tried to keep himself conscious. He couldn't let Logan or Carlos or anyone else find himself on the floor, his head probably bleeding.

James let out a pained sob. He had failed them again, hadn't he? Now they… they'd have something else to worry about now. Him. He was letting his friends down. He was the protector, no one was supposed to look out for him.

But here he was, spread out on the ground, his consciousness fading away.

Just before he blacked out, he heard someone's voice. It seemed so far away James didn't know if he was dreaming or not.

"James!"

**A/N- So, yeah… that's what Carlos saw. I am actually proud (and ashamed) to say that this may be the longest chapter I've ever written! Which is kinda pathetic, since… yeah, it's not that long, ya know? **

**But anyways, I'd love it if you reviewed and congratulated me on my awesome chapter. Please? ;) And poor James, right? I just LOVE making these guys feel bad about themselves, don't I? Sorry about that. ;)**

**Anyways (I keep saying anyways cuz I keep getting off topic), I'll see ya next time! Oh! And BIG TIME BLOOPERS! HILARIOUS! What was your favorite blooper? Mine was probably the one where Carlos crashes into that tree, where he puts his helmet on backwards, when Kendall catches the vase, when Kelly says "nalbum" and- okay, I'll stop now. ;) Maybe you can tell me your favorite in A REVIEW! **

**Peace, Love, and Bloopers,**

**Anonymous Skrtle **


	18. Chaos

_**Chapter 18**_

"Logan! Logie!" Logan blinked his eyes open as he was jolted out of his sleep. Carlos stood above him, tears streaming down his pale face.

"Woah, buddy, what's wrong?" Logan asked, feeling a bit dizzy from sitting up so quickly.

"J-James... he-he-he's…" Carlos was interrupted by an impatient Logan.

"He's what, Carlos? Spit it out!" Carlos just buried his face into Logan's shoulder. Logan, feeling guilty for snapping, rubbed his back until Carlos calmed down.

"He's dead." He whispered, so softly Logan almost didn't catch it.

Then he froze. "Wh-what?"

"I heard a crash and then… th-then I went outside my room and James was… he was l-lying on the floor." Logan felt his breathing quicken. He didn't like where this was going.

"What else, Carlos?" Logan urged. Carlos looked scared out of his mind.

"He was holding that… that b-bottle of Ritalin I used to take." Carlos looked down, his face red and his eyes scared. Logan felt like his heart would burst out of his chest. James. Ritalin. On the floor. It didn't sound like a fairytale.

"Aw, man, let's go check him out, alright?" Carlos nodded and followed Logan into the kitchen, where James was indeed lying down on the floor. Logan kneeled down beside the taller boy, who did indeed look like he was… well, dead.

"James? James, buddy, wake up." Logan shook James gently, hoping that James would at least crack open his hazel eyes. But James didn't even stir. He was completely still, but as Logan looked closer, he was relieved to find that James was still breathing.

"Carlos, you stay here with James and I'll go call 911. Tell me if he wakes up or moves." Carlos nodded, and Logan ran over to the phone, dialing 911 and stating their emergency.

When Logan returned, nothing had changed. James was still as could be, and suddenly, Logan noticed the blood. The red substance was all over James's head and was dripping down onto his neck. Logan froze. How had he not seen that before? He must have been so worried, so scared, that he hadn't noticed this significant detail.

"Carlos, did you see anything else?" Logan asked quickly, his breathing quickening.

Carlos shook his head. "I just saw that bottle." He said quietly.

Logan nodded. Eating pills wouldn't have resulted in bleeding, could it? At least not _that_ much bleeding. Something else had happened, and Logan was afraid to find out what it was.

"M-maybe he fell of that chair." Logan turned, startled, forgetting for a moment that Carlos was still there behind him. He widened his eyes.

"Yeah, that's probably it. Good job, Carlos." Logan patted Carlos on the head, and the Latino boy looked proud and worried all at once. Logan quickly turned and left to deliver the news to Mrs. Knight and Katie.

He knocked softly on the door, not wanting to startle them but wanting to at least wake them up. He heard someone moving around, then the door opening.

"It-it's James. He's in trouble. " Logan went on the explain the situation James was in. Mrs. Knight looked like she was going to cry. Then she thanked Logan softly and closed the door shut in Logan's face.

Logan stood there, sighing. Everything was spinning out of control… he needed Kendall again. He couldn't handle all of this.

He shook his head, walking towards the door when he heard a knock. The paramedics were here. The men quickly rushed in, put a breathing mask on James, and scurried out. It all happened so quickly Logan almost didn't process it.

The two men who stayed behind turned to ask Logan and Carlos some questions. Logan answered the best he could, and Carlos tried to contribute, but neither boy provided any remotely useful information. At last they left.

Logan sighed, running his hand through his black hair. "Carlos, go get Mama Knight and Katie, alright? I just need to grab the keys and we'll go, alright?" Carlos nodded nervously, walking slowly towards his destination.

"Mama Knight? K-Katie? We have to, uh, go to the hospital and see James." Carlos said nervously. No one responded. Carlos took a shaky breath and pushed the door open. He wasn't ready for what he saw.

Mrs. Knight was in her bed crying, while Katie sat up, staring at the wall with a distracted and distant look on her face. Carlos had never seen Mrs. Knight cry other than that time at the hospital, and he'd never, _never_ seen that look on Katie's face before. And he hoped that this was the last time he did.

Carlos stood nervously at the door, not knowing what he should do next. He was about to call Logan, but he decided that he could handle this by himself. He wanted to be helpful for once. He hesitantly stepped into the room, putting a shaky hand on Mrs. Knight's shoulder.

Mrs. Knight looked up, her eyes red and swollen. "Are… are you okay, Mrs. Knight?" Carlos asked gently. Mrs. Knight sniffled, wiping her eyes on her sleeves and putting her hand on top of Carlos's. She offered the younger boy a shaky smile. It was weak, but Carlos could tell it was genuine. He could just kinda… tell.

"Oh, my poor baby..." Mrs. Knight whispered, her voice soft and sweet. Carlos didn't know if she was talking about him or Kendall or James or Katie or Logan. So he settled for the simplest answer he could come up with.

"It'll be okay, Mama Knight. Come on, let's go and see James, alright?" It felt so strange, so weird, talking to an adult like this. He wasn't used to it. But he could see that he'd succeeded in some degree, for Mrs. Knight stood up and whispered something into Katie's ear. The little girl nodded sadly, standing up and following her mother out of the room.

Carlos sighed, staring down at the unmade bed. Mrs. Knight and Katie were always so sad and depressed,.. it was all because of what had happened to Kendall. Which _he_ had caused. So basically, this was all his fault.

Carlos bit his lip and looked down, willing the tears out of his eyes. He quickly followed the two women out of the bedroom, and Logan was waiting by the door.

On the car ride there, it was obvious that Logan was trying to strike up conversation, but it wasn't really working. Mrs. Knight and Katie still looked so crushed Carlos just wanted to pull them in and hug them real tight… but he didn't. So after a couple of minutes, Logan stopped trying and just stared at the road in front of him, his face impassive.

Logan couldn't help but feel a little angry. First it was Kendall, who didn't take his advice even when Logan had emphasized it to no end. _Don't _take it too hard. But Kendall just _had_ to go out there and get himself a major concussion. Did he think Logan wasn't worth listening to? Why did Kendall have to be so _stubborn_? Why couldn't he just _listen_ to someone else for once instead of just going with his own instinct? Why?

Logan cursed quietly to himself when the car in front of him slowed down for no reason. He pressed down hard on the horn, making Mrs. Knight and Katie jump in their seats and making Carlos flinch.

And then James just had to go and get himself killed, too. What was he _thinking,_ taking out a bottle of pills and then deciding to eat them? Didn't he think they were having enough problems as it was? And James just _had_ to go and add another list of "things to worry about", didn't he? Selfish James just _had_ to cause more trouble, didn't he? Logan had told him that if he needed help, he'd always be there for him. But had James listened? No. Because he obviously thought he could just go off, swallow a bunch of pills, knock himself unconscious, and drag them all to the hospital _again_.

Logan' couldn't do it. He couldn't take all the pressure. First Kendall, then James. Who would be next? Logan didn't think he could handle anything anymore. This was too much for him. He'd always been bad under pressure… but this… this was just over overwhelming. He sighed angrily to himself.

He had to take care of everything all by himself. He needed help. But the one person he had left that could help him, Carlos, just wouldn't cooperate. Carlos just had to be so emotional and clingy and have nightmares every night and- why couldn't he just suck it up and help Logan deal with… everything? Why did Carlos get to sit back and relax while Logan had to do the heavy lifting, carry the burden, do _everything_ for _everyone_? Why did Carlos have to be such a darn_ wimp_-

Logan was snapped out of his thought when the light in front of him suddenly turned red. He was so busy being mad at his friends that he hadn't even noticed it turning red. He slammed on the brakes, causing all for people in the car to lurch forward.

Logan stopped so quickly that he was surprised the airbags didn't come flying out. Logan took a deep breath, apologizing softly to no one in particular.

He turned to look at Carlos when the small boy called his name. "Yeah?"

Carlos played with the straps of his helmet, which he still had with him every day and night. "Don't worry, alright Logie? James is fine, he didn't take any of the pills. He'll be fine, and you said that as long as we stuck together, Kendall would be fine too."

Logan just stared back, not knowing what to think or say. It was like Carlos could read his mind or something. Sometimes, the innocent boy knew just what to say.

"Thanks, Carlos. That really means a lot." Carlos blushed, smiling before turning away and looking out the window. Suddenly, everything Logan had been pissed of at before vanished.

It wasn't Kendall's fault. Logan shouldn't be mad at him, he should be worried. Kendall was suffering the most, and he was never going to be the same again. Logan should be trying to take care of Kendall, not blame him for things that had already past. James wasn't selfish, he'd done so much trying to take care of them all, and Logan knew it had to be hard for him. And Carlos wasn't a wimp, he was just a little sensitive and softer. He wasn't useless; he was probably the most supportive person Logan had to rely on nowadays.

Logan finally drove into the parking of the hospital, and soon, him, Carlos, Katie, and Mrs. Knight were asking for James Diamond.

The four were heading towards their destination, Logan heard a crash. Then sirens. Then shouts. "Kendall Knight in room 208! Emergency!" They shouted something else, but Logan couldn't catch it. His head was spinning, there were stars in his vision.

He blinked it away, grabbing Carlos's wrist and running towards Kendall's direction, quickly telling Mrs. Knight and Katie to stay with James awhile. Mrs. Knight protested, but Logan shouted something back that he couldn't even comprehend in his jumbled state of mind.

"Let's go see Kendall, Carlos."

**A/N- So you guys asked for Kendall, so next chapter there'll be some of him! And poor James, wonder if he's gonna be alright? Considering what happened to Kendall… his chances aren't so high. Just kidding. Or am I?**

**Anyways, enough about that… I really have nothing to say except to have an awesome BREAK! At least, I hope you're all on break… cuz, ya know… Thanksgiving and all…**

**Peace, Love, and Giraffes,**

**Anonymous Skrtle **


	19. Back in the Hospital

_**Chapter 19**_

Logan rushed after the paramedics, desperate to know what was wrong with his former leader. Kendall was in trouble.

"Logan, slow down! You're gonna fall!" Logan ignored Carlos's words, tightening his grip on Carlos's wrist and sprinting even faster.

"Logan, stop! I can't keep up!" Logan finally slowed down, all his energy spent. He gasped for breath, listening as Carlos did the same. He looked around; Kendall's room was just a few yards away. Somehow, he'd gotten there without any assistance.

"I… we gotta go see Kendall." Logan panted, letting go of Carlos's wrist and pacing towards Kendall's room. Carlos followed, rubbing the place Logan had held on to so hard on his wrist and wincing. Logan was acting even more hyper than Carlos.

Logan peered into the small window in the center of Kendall's hospital door. "Aw, there are doctors all over him." He turned towards Carlos. "I'm sorry about running so fast." He apologized. Carlos was surprised. Logan wasn't usually so straightforward.

"Yeah, uh, it's fine. You think he's okay in there?" Carlos asked quietly, peeking in to see for himself.

Logan shrugged. "You mean as okay as he can get right now?" Carlos flinched. Logan had never been this blunt before. Maybe… maybe he was just too worried. Carlos nodded to himself. That was probably it.

"I think he'll be fine." Just as Logan said that, the doctors came rushing out.

"Boys, you here for Kendall Knight?" One of them asked. Logan nodded.

"Well, go ahead. He's okay now. Just a little seizure."

"Wait." Logan stopped them. "_Just_ a seizure? Aren't seizures, like, really serious?"

The doctor sighed. "Well, in Kendall's state, he'll be having occasional seizures every few weeks, sometimes even more frequent."

Logan just nodded, dragging Carlos into the room. He shut the door behind him. Logan sat down quietly next to Kendall, staring at him like he was a miracle from heaven. And maybe Kendall alive _was_ a miracle from heaven.

"Oh, Kendall..." Logan whispered, running his hands through Kendall's hair. Carlos wrinkled his eyebrows in confusion. Logan had never been so… well, emotional. He'd never been so carefree and _not_ panicky. Was there something… wrong with Logan?

Carlos was afraid. What if Kendall's… whatever he had… was contagious or something, and Logan had caught it? Cuz he'd never seen Logan act this way before.

Then Carlos shook his head, smacking himself mentally. What was he thinking? That was probably the stupidest thing… Kendall's disease wasn't contagious. The doctors would have told them a long time ago. _Idiot…_

He was stirred out of his thoughts when Kendall stirred. Logan jumped up, a smile replacing the drown on his face. "Kendall! You're awake!"

Kendall rubbed his eyes tiredly with his hands. "Mommy?" he whispered softly, his voice hoarse and vulnerable sounding. Logan smiled down gently at him.

"It's Logan and Carlos, remember? You're best hockey friends?" Carlos didn't know if he were imagining for not, but Logan sound a little desperate for Kendall to somehow remember them. Carlos was feeling the same way. What if Kendall just never remembered them again? Then what? The foursome would be only a threesome. That was no fun.

Kendall smiled lopsidedly. Carlos hadn't seen the blonde smile in weeks. "Logan and Arlos…" he slurred softly, blinking.

Logan ran his hands through Kendall's hair again. "It's Logan and Carlos, remember?" He repeated. Kendall didn't seem to notice he'd pronounced Carlos's name wrong until he giggled.

"Oops, sorry Carlos." He sounded distant, like he was in a different world but somehow still here. But it was the most Carlos had heard Kendall speak since… well, the accident. Maybe Kendall could get better. Probably not, but maybe, right?

"How are you feeling, Kendall?" Logan continues, trying to ignore Kendall's… different behavior. Kendall just grinned lopsidedly, his eyes darting around the room.

"I want ice cream, Logie." Kendall whispered, his eyes bright and wider than they usually were. Logan nodded, patting the blonde's head.

"Maybe later, alright?" He asked gently. Kendall shook his head from left to right, his blonde bangs bouncing.

"No! I wan it now!" He screamed, tears in his eyes. Logan flinched, not expecting the rapid mood change. Carlos stared at Kendall, appalled. How could Kendall have gone from happy to sad in a snap? He didn't usually do that.

"K-Kendall, calm down, please." Carlos begged, taking a step away from Kendall's widely flailing arms. Carlos _hated_ seeing Kendall like this. He hated it so much…

"Kendall, we'll get you ice cream, alright?" Logan snapped. Kendall didn't seem to hear the irritated tone, or he just didn't care. But he stopped struggling, sniffling and chewing on his lip.

"Get the ice cream!" He shouted like a little kid, his eyes wide. Logan nodded, turning to Carlos.

"Carlos, go get Mrs. Knight to take Katie to get some ice cream for Kendall, and then go sit with James for awhile." He ordered. Carlos just nodded, not saying a word. He'd never seen Logan step up like this before in times of pressure, but he wasn't going to question it. He didn't what to do, so it was good that Logan did.

He practically jumped out of the room when Kendall shouted "I want chocolate!" and walked quickly over to where Mrs. Knight and Katie were. After asking two different nurses, he finally found them. "Mrs. Knight!" The middle aged woman turned around, her eyes red and tired.

"Carlos, sweetie, what's wrong?" She asked gently, her eyes still shining protectively. Carlos smiled at her.

"It's… it's Kendall. He, uh, he wants ice cream. Chocolate. Like, now." He said, trying to make Mrs. Knight understand. The woman seemed to get it right away.

"Thank you, sweetie. Katie, come on, let's get some ice cream for Kendall and then we can visit him, alright?" Katie nodded silently, her had down and her hair over her face. Carlos longed for that devious lively little girl Katie once was. She was just a shadow of herself now. And Carlos didn't know if she'd ever go back to the way she was.

"Take care, alright sweetie? I love you." Mrs. Knight kissed Carlos on the cheek, then wrapped her arm around Katie's shoulders and walked away silently.

Carlos sighed, putting his hand on James's door handle. He blinked back the tears in his eyes. He needed to take care of James. His big brother was hurt, not just physically, but emotionally too. This was affecting him more than he would let on.

Carlos nodded to himself. "Don't worry, James, I'm here." He whispered, before pushing the metal door open.

_line line line_

Logan tapped his fingers on the side of Kendall's hospital bed impatiently. When was Mrs. Knight and Katie going to get here? He was running out of ways to distract Kendall from thinking about his beloved ice cream.

"When's da ice cream gonna get'ere, Logie?" Kendall asked, groaning childishly. Logan was really scared. Kendall and him hadn't even had a normal conversation yet. It was like talking to a 5 year old. _What do you expect, Mr. Genius? This is was retardation means… _

Logan shook his head. Kendall was still the same, he still had to be in there somehow. Maybe not all of him, but Logan was sure he could find at least some little part of Kendall still in there somewhere. He just didn't know how.

"Soon, Kendall. I promise." Just as Logan finished his sentence, the door opened slowly, and Katie's small head peeked in.

"Kendall? You're ice cream's here." She said in a small voice. It was so unlike her, yet Logan didn't blame her. Kendall didn't seem to notice, though, and he clapped his hands together happily.

"Yay! Mommy's here! And my ice cream!" Kendall shouted in joy, his green eyes sparkling and bright.

Mrs. Knight smiled, but Logan could tell she was breaking on the inside. The son she'd spent her whole life caring for was now diagnosed with a horrible disease, or whatever it was called.

"Yep, here you are, Kendall. Chocolate, your favorite." She grinned when Kendall kissed her on the cheek thankfully.

"Where's my little brotha?" Kendall asked, his mouth full of ice cream, his eyes darting around the room.

Logan bit his lip. "Uh, he's with, uh, James. You remember James?"

Kendall let out some sort of noise between a snort and a giggle. "Yep, da one with da long girl hair?" Even Logan had to smile at that.

'Yep, that's him alright. James got a little… sick. So Carlos is taking care of him." Logan explained slowly. The words seemed to process in Kendall's mind, for he nodded and grinned as if he James being sick didn't affect him one bit. _Maybe it doesn't…_

For the next hour or two, Logan, Mrs. Knight, and Katie chatted with Kendall. It wasn't even close to what they talked about in the past. Before, the usual talk was about hockey, Gustavo, jerks Kendall wanted to beat up, and the band. Now it was about ice cream, cooties, and making strawberry cake.

But they didn't mind. As long as Kendall was there… that was all they could ever ask for right now, wasn't it?

**A/N- Alright, these author's notes are starting to sound like a tape recorder: I'm SO sorry this update was so painfully slow! And then this crappy chapter… at least you saw Kendall again? Yeah?**

**Anyways… yeah. I have some good news, though. I'm starting a new story called _Then There Were None_. I started it but kinda put it on hiatus for, like, a LONG time. And I ALWAYS finish my stories, so I decided to rewrite that one. So yeah, check it out! It'll be up very soon (like today or tomorrow!) **

**So peace, love, and giraffes,**

**Anonymous Skrtle **


	20. Okay

_**Chapter 20**_

Carlos looked down at his oldest friend, his chest rising and falling slowly. Carlos wouldn't have known he were alive if it weren't for that. James's arm was wrapped in a cast, the right one. The one he wrote with. And his leg was in a cast. He had a neck brace on, too. Carlos wondered how falling off a chair could do that to someone.

But James was tall, wasn't he? So falling off the chair would hurt more for him than if Carlos himself had fallen off. Carlos almost smirked. The one time being tall wasn't a good thing. But he couldn't be happy right now; James was lying in bed, lifeless and hurt badly. That was nothing to be happy about.

"James…" Carlos whispered, wishing that he'd open his eyes already. He wanted James back… just like he wanted Kendall back. At the thought of his blonde friend, Carlos felt his eyes filling up with tears.

Kendall had always been their leader. He was the glue that kept them together. Without Kendall, their bonds of friendship would come falling apart. He was the one that kept them in L.A., he was the one who convinced them to join the hockey team in junior high, he was the one… he was the one who made them who they were.

And now even Logan, who seemed completely different from who he used to be. He no longer seemed to… care about the things he used to care deeply about. All he was committed to now was Kendall. Kendall, Kendall, Kendall… that was his life now. And Carlos didn't blame him for that.

"I just want my friends back…" He whispered softly, his voice breaking. "James, please get better…"

James didn't open his eyes. He just lay there, like a dead person. But the rise and fall of James's chest assured Carlos that, at least for now, James was okay. And that was all he needed.

Carlos let out a deep breath, sitting down on a chair near James's bed. He hated this. He hated all of this. He just wished Kendall would go back to normal, and they could go play hockey and bother Gustavo and Bitters and-

Carlos shook his head. He couldn't fill his mind with happy thoughts just to be disappointed time and time again. Kendall wasn't ever going to be fine, but Carlos didn't want to accept that. "Kendall, I just want you back…" Carlos whispered, tears welling up in his eyes, even though he knew just wishing it wasn't enough. Nothing was enough to bring Kendall back.

"D-don't worry, Carlos." Carlos jumped up when he heard James's hoarse voice. Carlos turned around faster than a blink, a smile on his face.

"James! You're awake!" Carlos cried, voicing his own thoughts. He went to hug James, then thought better of it. James was very weak right now, and it would take a while before he'd recover. But at least he _would_ recover… unlike Kendall would…

"Y-yeah." James let out a chuckle. He let out a big yawn, closing his eyes again.

Before Carlos knew it, James was asleep again. Even though Carlos was planning on questioning James on what happened, he was just glad James was awake.

Carlos smiled and brushed his older friend's hair out of his face. "I'll see ya later, James." He stayed there for a period of time. He didn't know if it had been a minute, an hour, or even a day.

But when he left, grasped the cold metal door handle in his hand, he thought that maybe, just maybe, James would be okay again.

That everything would be okay again.

_Line line line_

"Logan, Jennifer? I believe I have some good news for you all." Logan looked up, his face lighting up at the doctor's words.

"Really? What?" Mrs. Knight asked, her face happier than Logan had seen it in a long time. Maybe things would be okay after all.

"Kendall can go home today. We've given him several checkups, and he seems to be okay for the time period. He can probably go home, as long as you bring him in weekly for us to check him up." Logan nodded along. Kendall would be okay.

_Well, as okay as he'll ever be._

Logan shook the grim thought out of his head. It didn't help anyone when he was being all pessimistic and negative. He sighed, rubbing his face with his hands. "That's… that's great." He mumbled, his voice tired and worried.

The doctor watched them for a moment, his eyes concerned. But then he decided to leave them alone. "You can check him out now if you want to. Just go to the front desk and they'll have you sign the papers."

Logan chewed on his lip. Everything was happening so fast. Too fast. Too fast for him to comprehend. Kendall had a seizure after he slipped by the pool at the Palm Woods, then was taken to he hospital, then he had another seizure, and now he was coming home. It seemed a little too early for Kendall to be able to come home, but Logan couldn't see anything else the doctors could do for him here.

Kendall's brain was messed up. There was no fixing him now. It was like trying to heal a dead person. All the doctors could do was sit back and give Kendall medication and stuff, to help him, but not able to make him completely better.

And that sucked. Big time.

Mrs. Knight grasped Katie's small hand in hers, and together with Logan, they stood up and walked over to the front desk. Mrs. Knight's hands shook as she signed the papers that would release her son from this prison of a hospital.

Logan held Katie in her lap and sat on a chair in the waiting area. Waiting for what, he didn't know. If he was waiting for Kendall to get better, he'd be waiting forever.

"Hey, you okay?" Katie looked up, sniffling, her eyes wide and puffy and red. Kendall wasn't even Logan's biological brother, but he was Katie's biological brother. Logan couldn't even began to imagine how Katie felt seeing her brother, her role model, so broken.

"I-I'm scared, Logan… I want Kendall back." She whispered softly, tears in her eyes. Logan hated all of it. He hated seeing deceptive and confident little Katie Knight so scared and broken. But that was what trauma did to you. It transformed you completely until you weren't even sure of who you were anymore.

Logan remembered reading that before in a book, a book about trauma. That seemed like ages ago, when everything was okay, when everything was normal.

"I know, Katie. I'm scared too. But we'll be here for you. Me and James and Carlos. I promise you we'll keep you safe and sound." Logan kissed her on the forehead. Katie let out a small smile, but Logan could tell she wouldn't be okay for a long time.

And speaking of James and Carlos, Logan pulled out his phone and dialed Carlos's phone number. Carlos picked up on the second ring.

"Hey, Carlos. It's Logan."

"Yeah, I kinda figured that when I saw my caller ID and it said 'Logan Mitchell'." Carlos replied. Logan smiled. At least here was one person left who still saw the bright side of things.

"Oh yeah. Sorry about that. Anyways, how's James?"

He heard Carlos hesitate on the other line. "James, uh, he woke up for, like, 10 seconds. But he's okay, really." He added quickly.

Logan was relieved. At least James was fine. "Thanks, Carlos. For looking after him." It sounded weird, Carlos looking after James. But wasn't everything weird nowadays?

"No problem, Logie. How's Kendall?" Logan hated how he and Carlos were taking care of Kendall and James. It was usually the other way around.

"Great, actually. The doctor said he could go home today. Mama Knight's signing the papers right now." Logan replied.

"That's awesome! I'll be there in a sec, alright? I'm on the elevator, and it's kinda taking forever."

"And why is that?"

"Uh… no reason." Carlos replied quickly, sounding sheepish.

"Carlos, did you press all the buttons again?" Logan asked, a smirk on his face. Even Katie was smiling at the childish act.

"Uh, maybe?" Logan chuckled.

"Alright, but try and hurry up, okay? We'll meet ya at the entrance, alright?"

"Okay. Bye!"

Logan smiled as he hung up. Turning towards Katie, who still had a shadow of a smile on her face, he said, "See? We know everything's okay cuz Carlos is acting like a little baby again."

The small giggle Katie let out was like sunshine on a cloudy morning.

"Thanks, Carlos." Logan whispered to himself, grinning.

_Line line line _

Katie watched, her heart pounding, as Kendall got out of the hospital bed. The doctors got him changed, and for a moment, Kendall looked normal.

Until he smiled that creepy little kid smile.

Katie didn't want to cry; she was always the toughest kid in the grade, but seeing Kendall like that scared her more than anything ever had. More than anything ever could.

Kendall Knight, her big brother, her role model, was now a little 7 year old kid screaming for ice cream.

"Mommy, I want my ice cream!" Kendall pouted. Mrs. Knight didn't respond, and Katie could tell that she was scared, too.

"Kendall, buddy, we'll get some when we get home, alright?" Logan said gently, guiding Kendall out of the room and out of the hospital. Logan, the most mature one out of them all. Katie could have mistaken him for a 30 year old if he didn't look so young. Logan, the boy who could outsmart doctors and college professors. The boy who pushed his dreams of becoming a doctor aside to fulfill James's.

"Home? Where's dat?" Kendall asked curiously, all thoughts about ice cream forgotten.

"Home. Like the Palm Woods. You remember the Palm Woods, sweetie?" Mrs. Knight asked gently, her voice soft and caring. Katie admired her mother. Loved her. Her mother, who had taken care of her and Kendall ever since their Dad left. Her mother, who had loved and cared for three other boys who were not her own. Her mother, who gave her more love than she thought was possible.

"With da swirly slide?" Kendall asked, a gleam of excitement in his eyes. Katie couldn't help noticing that what Kendall noticed first now wasn't his hockey stick or the TV or whatever, it was a little kiddie slide.

"Yep. That's the one, Kendall. And I'll ride it with ya when we get home, alright?" Carlos told him, his eyes bright and happy. And Carlos, Carlos, the boy with the hockey helmet and the infectious smile. The boy who was so sensitive that he cried when someone else was sad. The boy who could cheer anyone up, even in the darkest of situations. The boy who was oblivious about a lot of things but had the biggest heart you could imagine.

"And Jamie will be dere too?"

Katie nodded, speaking for the first time in hours. "Yep, he'll be there."

And James, who could forget James? The boy who seemed self-conceited, cared way too much about his looks, but had a heart of gold. The boy who'd always teased her of having a crush on him and was so protective of her that night she went to see a movie with Kyle that he was willing to ditch his own date. James, who protected his friends as much as Katie and loved them all to death.

As Katie buckled up her seatbelt, Kendall's bouncing form next to her, she couldn't help but think that maybe everything would be alright again.

Because even though she couldn't have her big brother back completely, she still had part of him, her loving mother, and her three other amazing big brothers.

**A/N- Alright… I'm sorry. Again. For the 394****th****, time, I'm sorry. I haven't update in like a month! But now it's winter break so I'll try to make up for it, alright? Again, SO SORRY! Just busy with homework and when winter break rolls around, I get the stupid COLD. Ugh, what life does to me. **

**But anyways, IT'S BREAK! So yeah, the bright side. Well, for me, anyways, if you don't have break or something… yeah, sorry for ruining your day. ;) **

**But please review the chapter? I made if long, if that helps…**

**Peace, Love, and Giraffes,**

**Anonymous Skrtle **


	21. Home

_**Chapter 21**_

To say the least, the return home was _not_ a happy reunion. Almost every single person they passed, even Bitters and the Jennifers, stared at Kendall. Just stared with wide eyes, not even caring that Kendall was right there and could feel all their confusing stares on him.

Mrs. Knight rushed Kendall home, assuring him that there was lots of ice cream in the fridge. Kendall seemed to forget all about everyone staring at him, and skipped happily away into the elevator, humming an innocent tune.

Jo was the first one to break the unnerving silence. "Oh my gosh, Kendall… What happened to him?" She whispered, her voice shaky and her eyes teary. Neither Logan, Carlos, nor Katie knew how to respond to that.

Finally, Logan spoke up, seeing as he was kinda the leader here. Katie was a little girl who was still broken from Kendall's tragedy, and Carlos… well, Logan knew better than to let Carlos talk. "He fell."

He didn't care how blunt and vague the answer was, just spoke those two words and waited for people's reactions. Some seemed to understand what was going on, but Jo was part of the group that didn't.

"Kendall ended up with a concussion that caused mental retardation." Logan announced, his voice sounding professional and emotionless, like a doctor's when they told you someone you loved had passed away.

` No one spoke. The lobby was silent. Logan could see Katie and Carlos with their heads down, and Jo trying to blink back her tears. "I'm sorry." Logan whispered, taking Katie and Carlos's hands and dragging them into the elevator. With a shaky hand, he pressed the "2" button.

The sight of Kendall with chocolate ice cream all over his face did not comfort them from the living nightmare they lived in.

_line line line _

Logan sighed to himself as a certain blonde-haired boy poked and prodded his bedposts, giggling the whole time. "Kendall, buddy, it's time to go to sleep." Logan told him, just as a mother would to her 5 year old son.

Kendall pouted but complied nonetheless. "Okay, Logie…" He giggled at the nickname, and Logan couldn't help but roll his eyes, too. The nickname never got old, and it was always annoying. But since it was Kendall, he let it slide.

It wasn't like Kendall would understand if Logan told him to stop calling him that anyways.

Mrs. Knight had dressed Kendall up in some adult size kiddie pajamas she'd bought at the store, though Logan didn't know any store that sold adult kid clothes. Kendall looked adorable in it, but it only served as a reminder of how different Kendall was now. Before, Kendall would've barfed if he were forced to wear something like that.

But now, Kendall just bounced around, poking the little duckies on his pj's. Logan shook his head, nonetheless amused by the childish act. "Alright, Kendall, let's get in bed, alright?"

Kendall nodded happily and Logan tucked him in. If there was a bright side to all of this, it would be that Kendall was always happy now. He was never stressed out like he used to be, and always had a smile on his face.

"Good night, Kendall." Logan whispered, turning off the lights and flicking on Kendall's newly bought nightlight. Clearing his throat, he said a little louder, "Good night, Kendall."

Kendall turned in his bed. "Nighty night, Logie."

Logan kept his eyes on Kendall's figure until he was sure he was asleep. "Oh, Kendall…" He whispered to himself. Kendall obviously couldn't respond, but Logan was glad he got it out nonetheless. He loved Kendall, but it was too late to tell him now, right?

He loved his best friends equally, but for some reason, what happened to Kendall just made him love the blonde boy even more. He loved James, Katie, Mrs. Knight, Carlos, his family… He loved all of them so much. But Kendall just… Logan felt like he _had_ to love Kendall more now that all… this… happened.

"Uh… L-Logan?"

Logan sat up. Carlos. James was still in the hospital, unconscious, probably. That meant Carlos was sleeping in his room. By himself. Logan got up, chastising himself silently for not thinking about this earlier. Carlos hated sleeping by himself.

"Hey, Carlos, what's up?" Logan asked quietly, even though he knew what was up. Carlos hugged his teddy bear tightly against his chest, biting his lip.

"I… I'm scared." Carlos whispered. "Can… can I sleep with you?" He asked nervously, his cheeks red.

Logan smiled. Carlos's adorableness never got old. "Of course, buddy." He got a few blankets and spread them out on the ground. "Here, you go sleep on my bed, and I'll sleep on the floor."

Carlos nodded hesitantly. "A-are you sure? Cuz the floor's really uncomfortable." He asked uncertainly.

"Oh yeah, I'll be fine. Don't worry about me, buddy. Just get some sleep, okay?" They were all tired. Katie had been yawning nonstop the ride home, and Carlos could barely keep his eyes open just standing in Logan's room. James, before he got himself into the hospital, had started growing black bags under his eyes from lack of sleep and stress.

After Logan tucked Carlos into bed like he'd done with Kendall, and made sure his younger friend was asleep, which took about 10 seconds, he finally closed his eyes.

Logan didn't have one dream that night.

_line line line_

"Logie, wake up! Wake up!" Logan groaned, rubbing his sleepy eyes tiredly. It felt like he'd just fallen asleep seconds ago, even though it was already bright outside. He opened his eyes, well, forced them open, and saw Kendall standing above him.

"Kendall, buddy, I'm up, alright? Stop shoving me." Logan mumbled, yawning. Kendall beamed, jumping off of Logan's makeshift bed on the floor.

"Should we wake Carlos up?" Kendall asked, his eyes darting around the room without focusing on anything. He giggled. The giggle sounded nothing like Kendall, and to some extent, it scared Logan. It was just another example of how much the old Kendall had disappeared.

Logan glanced at Carlos's sleeping form. He hadn't seen Carlos so peaceful… since the day Kendall slipped and fell. But for some reason, Logan didn't think Carlos was fine. Maybe it was a doctor instinct or whatever, but Carlos seemed like he wasn't fine.

Logan sighed, getting up and putting a hand on Carlos's face. Just as he'd thought, Carlos's face burned like a forest fire. Logan didn't know how he had known Carlos was sick… he just knew. Something like what had happened to Kendall was bound to make Carlos sick. After all, even James… did whatever he did and ended up in the hospital.

"Oh, Kendall… look what you've done to us…" Logan whispered quietly, not angry at Kendall but just at the situation in general. Luckily, Kendall didn't seem to hear a word Logan had mumbled under his breath. Logan turned towards Kendall.

"No… just leave him there. Let him sleep."

Kendall wrinkled his eyebrows up. "Why?"

"He's sick, Kendall. Really sick." Logan answered, his mind not focused on Kendall. Carlos probably just had the flu… but when Kendall said he's just had a headache… and look how that turned out.

Logan shook his head. _Stop being so paranoid. It's just a fever._

"Kendall, can you go get Mrs.-I mean, mom, for me?" Kendall nodded eagerly, happy that he had something to do. Mrs. Knight fussed over Carlos, gave him some medicine, and the whole time, Kendall just bounced around like a little kid. Logan doubted Kendall even knew what was going on.

"I think he'll be fine in a few days, Logan. He just needs to rest. Why don't you guys go get Katie and give James a visit? I bet he's woken up by now." Mrs. Knight told Logan. Logan nodded, grabbed a bouncing Kendall, woke up Katie, and started driving towards the hospital.

Kendall had changed, Carlos had a bad fever… He hoped that at least James was okay.

**A/N- So… faster update but still not really fast… but winter break has been awesome! Just chillin' at home and being crazy, ya know? (which doesn't actually justify as to WHY I haven't updated in so long…)**

**Anyways, I hoped you liked this chapter and please PLEASE review? I need to know what I'm doing good on and what I need to improve on. Please? Thanks so much! **

**Peace, Love, and Giraffes,**

**Anonymous Skrtle **


	22. Better?

_**Chapter 22**_

Luck seemed to be on Logan's side today. At least a little luck was.

Because James had woken up.

Right when he, Kendall, and Katie had arrived at the hospital, the doctors delivered them the good news. Kendall didn't look like he really knew what was happening, but Logan could see the joy on Katie's face and feel the shimmering ounce of hope inside of him.

Maybe if James recovered… He shook his head. Kendall would never recover. It wasn't ever going to happen. It was impossible.

But then he shook his head again. Nothing was impossible… but Kendall's case sure was close to it.

Now he stood inside James's hospital room, staring as James yawned. He still didn't know what had happened that day they found James lying on the floor, looking like he was dead…

But it didn't look like James wanted to talk about it. He just stared down at the floor, looking sad and pained. His neck brace supported his badly broken neck and back. Logan was surprised James wasn't crying out in pain. Back and neck injuries were usually deadly…

Logan tried not to think about it. Sometimes, it sucked wanting to be a doctor. He knew everything about every single medical injury or disease. Well, close to every single one. And it sucked especially when you knew exactly what was wrong with one of your best friends. Well, count Kendall into that and it's _two_ of your best friends.

"Hey, James. How are you, buddy?" Logan said quietly, breaking the heart-stopping silence. James shrugged the best he could with a broken neck.

"Could be better." He answered hoarsely, wincing a little. He tried to smile at them, but it just turned out as a grimace.

"You okay, man? You want me to get the doctor?" Logan asked quickly, worried that James was in horrible pain.

James shook his head. "N-no. Just… I-I'm sorry, Logan."

Logan stared at him, confused. "Sorry for what?" He questioned, though he thought he already knew.

"I was g-going to do it." James whispered, tears in his eyes.

"Do what?"

James looked like he was going to pass out. Well, he probably was. "Tell C-Carlos… where's Carlos?" He asked, his breathing getting faster.

"He's got a fever. What do you wanna tell him, James? I'll tell him for you." Logan told him quickly. He was afraid James wouldn't pass out soon, and then he wouldn't get to know what exactly James had done wrong.

"Tell Carlos… he-he knows. I-I was gonna take his R-ritalin, 'member?" James's eyes closed, and for a second, Logan thought he was dead. But then his chest rose and fell normally, signaling that he was asleep.

Logan sighed. Kendall turned towards him. "What's Ry-a-lin?" He asked innocently. Logan just sighed.

"Just… something you don't have to worry about, alright?" Kendall nodded happily.

"Then let's go! Carlos said yesterday he'd go down da swirly slide with me!" Kendall giggled like it was the funniest thing ever, and Logan glanced at Katie. The small girl was looking down at her feet, obviously shaken up from the encounter with James.

James had wanted to drug himself, didn't he? Ritalin calmed Carlos down, but it also energized tired people. And James had been stressed out for the past few weeks… stressed out big time. And Logan hadn't even noticed.

"I-I'm sorry, Katie. That you had to see this." Logan spoke quietly, his words almost but not quite drowned out by Kendall, who was now singing Twinkle Twinkle. Katie just nodded, her eyes sad but not angry at him.

Logan looked away. Out of them all, Katie didn't deserve this the most. Kendall was her big brother, her role model, the boy she'd always looked up to. And now, with a snap of fate's fingers, that Kendall was gone. And it already hurt for Logan… imagine how much more it would hurt for Katie, one of Kendall's family members?

"Let's _go,_ Logie!" Logan froze at the name. Kendall always used to call him that, when they were younger, when they grew up… Kendall called him that all the time. And for a second, Logan thought the old Kendall was back.

But just for a second.

_line line line _

Carlos coughed violently into his hands as he felt someone's warm hand on his back. "Shh, it's alright, sweetie. It's alright."

"M-my throat hurts, M-Mrs. Knight." Carlos whispered, his voice raspy.

Mrs. Knight just nodded. "I know, sweetie, but the medicine should be working soon. You just get some rest, alright?" Carlos nodded, wiping his nose on the edge of his sleeve.

It was still his fault, wasn't it? It was his fault he was sick, it was his fault Kendall was permanently sick, it was his fault James was in the hospital… so why wasn't Mrs. Knight mad? Why hadn't she already sued Carlos's family, like all the people on the Internet said to do?

Carlos didn't know why those thoughts had resurfaced again, but when you're sick… you tend to think about the negatives.

So why wasn't Mrs. Knight angry that Carlos had practically destroyed her son?

"Carlos, honey, is something wrong?" Mrs. Knight asked gently. Carlos was pulled out of his thoughts, and noticed the tears streaming down his cheeks.

And suddenly, he couldn't keep it in anymore.

"Why d-don't you just sue me a-already?" He whispered, hoping Mrs. Knight hadn't heard. But of course, she had.

"Why would I sue you, honey? You've done nothing wrong." Mrs. Knight answered sincerely. It just made Carlos feel worse.

"I-I killed him, Mrs. Knight! I m-made Kendall this way! It's all my fault! So why don't you just sue me for it now?" Carlos cried, not even caring that his throat was burning up.

Mrs. Knight put her hand on Carlos's hot cheek. "Oh, Carlos, sweetie… it's not your fault. Sometimes, things just happen to good people. And it's no one's fault. It's just luck and chance, honey. I don't blame you for this." Her gentle voice soothed Carlos, but only a little.

"I-I'm sorry, Mama Knight…" Carlos interrupted himself with a loud cough, his cheeks burning red and his breathing getting uneven.

"Carlos, you've always been like son to me, you know that. I'd never blame you for this, baby. Never. Now why don't you just get some rest, alright?" Mrs. Knight kissed Carlos on the forehead, and the boy smiled a little.

Maybe it was all right if Mrs. Knight didn't blame him. But he still blamed himself. But just not as much as before.

"O-okay, but…can you get me some water?" He asked meekly. Mrs. Knight smiled at him and went to retrieve his drink.

But when she came back, Carlos was already asleep.

She pulled the blanket up to his chin and made sure he was breathing right.

"Sleep tight, Carlos."

**A/N- Alright, so my reviews are declining a little, and this chapter probably didn't help. But I'm sorry again, you know the drill. But reviews will get me to update faster… maybe? ;)**

**And as for this story, I'm not giving up on it, so those of you who think I am, I'M NOT! **** Really. **** And I CAN'T WAIT FOR SEASON 4! AND THE MARVIN MARVIN EPISODE WITH BTR! I miss my boys on TV, ya know? ;)**

**So please review?**

**Anonymous Skrtle **


	23. Frustration

_**Chapter 23**_

James was released from the hospital two days later, having recovered quite fast. James was eager to leave the stuffed up hospital room and start living at home again, knowing Carlos missed his roommate and that everyone needed him to take care of Kendall.

James had always been the oldest; it was his job to protect his friends and his family. It was his job to protect Logan, Kendall, and Carlos, and Mrs. Knight and Katie. He had to stay strong for them, he had to, but yet he'd ended up in the hospital for a week or two from almost doing something he wasn't supposed to do.

Drugs. James had always heard about people taking drugs to ease their depression or take away stress, but James had always thought it was stupid. Drugs ruined your lungs, your body, your health, your _hair_... He never thought he'd want to resort to it.

But it just got too much. He couldn't handle all the depression and the worry for Kendall and his health. He didn't want to be the "dad" of the group anymore; it was exhausting. He would never know how Kendall did it. Literally; he'd _never _know.

James sighed, wiping a hand over his face to brush his sweaty bangs out of the way. It was really hot outside now that summer had arrived, and in LA, _hot_ meant _really_ hot. James blew air into his face, enjoying the cool air that temporarily cooled his face.

Meanwhile, his other hand was on Carlos's forehead, which felt hotter than the air outside was. Poor Carlos was so hot, he was complaining about being cold in his half-conscious state. James checked his temperature again; 101.8.

"Oh, man, you're burning up, Carlos…" James muttered to himself, leaving the room temporarily to get Logan. The future doctor would know what to do.

"Logan!"

Logan looked up from where he was playing Candyland with Kendall. "What's wrong?"

"Carlos's burning up again. 101.8… that's high, right?" James saw Logan's eyes widen.

"Here, Kendall, why don't you play with James for a while; Logie has to go somewhere, okay?" Logan asked Kendall gently. Kendall nodded happily, handing the blue piece to James, who tried his best to smile at Kendall the way he would have normally a month ago.

"Alrighty, Kendall. Is it your turn?" James asked quietly. Kendall shrugged.

"Don't know. But I'll go." He reached for a card and came up with an orange square. "Ooh! Purple!" He cried happily.

James sighed. "No, Kendall, it's orange. Remember? Orange." He pronounced the word slowly and clearly so Kendall could hear.

Kendall's eyes lit up. "Oh yeah! Orange." He said the word like a drunk person, slurring the letters. He moved his green piece with his hands shakily. His eyes blinked rapidly, and it seemed like it was a challenge to make the precise movement. James felt tears in his eyes. What had happened to Kendall?

Finally, Kendall made the move. James went and got two reds. The game continued for awhile before James finally won. James didn't think twice about winning the game; he didn't know that Kendall would start throwing a tantrum.

"That's not _fair!_ I hate this game!" Kendall pouted, picking up his piece and throwing it against the wall. James flinched, not expecting the sudden act of anger. Kendall had tears in his eyes, and clenched his hands into fists.

"Kendall, buddy, chill out. It's just a game," James muttered, forgetting for a moment that Kendall wasn't the old Kendall anymore. Kendall always used to get mad when he lost, or even when he got second. He was always competitive, always wanted to win first...

Which was how he got himself into this junk in the first place, wasn't it? James sighed when Kendall continued to throw a tantrum. "Alright! We'll call it a tie, okay?" James shouted at last, losing his patience.

Kendall stopped screaming. "No. I won." He stated stubbornly.

James sighed again. "Yes, yes, you won, alright?"

Kendall smiled. "Yay!" He skipped over to the couch, watching the Spongebob show that he'd had on for the past hour and a half.

'James, what's going on?" James turned and saw Logan standing at the door.

"Sorry, he was just throwing a tantrum cuz I won the game." James told Logan quietly, trying not to notice how strange that sounded. _Kendall _throwing a _tantrum_. Before, it would've been more likely that a pig could fly.

"It's fine, it's just that Kendall kind of woke Carlos up and now his fever is even higher and I don't know what to do and-" Logan stopped, pacing around the room, his breathing coming out in short gasps.

"Oh, man, why can't I do anything right? I don't know where the medicine is, or where Katie is, or-" James clamped a hand over the hyperventilating boy's mouth.

"Logan, relax. You're doing great. The medicine's in the top cabinet on the right of the sink, and Katie and Mrs. Knight are out at Starbucks, remember?" James reassured the smart boy. Logan looked relieved and grateful for James's reminders.

"Oh yeah. Sorry, I'm just… I'm just tired, ya know?" Logan sighed, sitting down on a chair. James nodded. Oh yeah, he knew.

"Here, why don't you go and get some rest; I'll take care of them, okay?" James suggested, though he didn't know how he would take care of Kendall and Carlos at the same time. But Kendall would've been able to; why couldn't he?

Logan looked at him. "Really? You sure you'll be fine?" He asked.

James nodded. "I'm sure. I don't want you stressing yourself, Logie. Alright? Go and get some rest, okay?" Logan nodded slowly when he heard the confidence in James's voice. Confidence that James wasn't even sure he had.

"Thanks, man." Logan smiled.

James patted him on the back. "No problem, buddy."

When Logan left, James just sat watching Kendall laugh at the TV. It was the laugh of a little kid, not a teenage boy, but James tried to ignore that.

James tried to ignore everything.

But when he heard the sound of harsh coughing, he knew he couldn't avoid the harsh realities of his life. Carlos was sick and Kendall was sick. Except Carlos would get better…

And Kendall wouldn't.

James smacked himself lightly on the head. _Stop thinking about that…_ He told himself sternly, sounding like his mom for a moment. _Stop thinking about Kendall._

Seeing as said boy was fine on the couch, James went to check on the other boy he was worried about. When he put his hand on Carlos's forehead, he had to pull away from the burning heat emitting from it.

Carlos needed to bring his fever down, or they'd have to take another trip to the hospital. And James knew none of them wanted to go into that place again. Not so soon.

James left the room, dug up some not expired Tylenol from the medicine cabinet, poured some in the medicine thingy (only Logan knew what it was called), and brought it back into Carlos's room.

He really didn't want to wake Carlos up, but he had no choice. Not if he wanted to avoid the hospital at all costs. "Carlos, wake up, pal."

Carlos stirred a little, whimpering softly. James shook him again and again until finally, he cracked open his tired eyes. "J-James?" He whispered hoarsely.

James brushed Carlos's hair out of his eyes. "Buddy, you're really burning up. Can you sit up and drink this medicine for me?" Carlos rubbed his eyes, coughed loudly, and sat up. He put his hand on his head, whimpering again.

James knew Carlos was really sick when he drank the sticky liquid with no complaint. Carlos would _always_ complain about drinking icky medicine, but not this time. "Wh-where's Logie?" Carlos asked quietly, laying back down.

"Sleeping. He's been real tired lately." James told him, sticking the thermometer into Carlos's ear. 102.3.

"T-taking care of me, right?" Carlos asked, looking guilty for being sick. James just hated it when Carlos was so selfless. He was worrying about Logan when he was the one with the 102 degree fever.

"Carlos, it's not your fault. It's… it's just the situation, ya know? Logan doesn't mind, but his body does sometimes. Don't blame yourself for this." Carlos looked like he wanted to say more, but his exhaustion got the better of him.

"Sleep tight, buddy. You'll be better by tomorrow." James said, trying to convince himself. With a fever this high, Carlos probably wouldn't be better for a couple of days

But that was still better than Kendall, who-

"Shut _up!_" James hissed at himself, cursing his thoughts. He had to stop thinking about Kendall. He just had to stop thinking at all. Right now, all that mattered was taking care of his brothers, and Kendall's family. And Kendall, of course. He couldn't keep himself occupied with horrid thoughts.

He was glad Carlos didn't hear him talking to himself. The smaller boy was fast asleep, his breathing uneven but not life-threatening. Unlike _Kendall_, who-

James wanted to bang his head against a wall.

**A/N- Hey, guys! Hope you haven't given up on this story yet… cuz the reviews are going down. But whatever, I love writing the story! **** You all know the drill by now…**

**REVIEW? PLEASE? It means so much to me, I don't care if it's one word or a thousand (isn't that past the limit you can write, though?) Whatever, who's gonna write something THAT long anyways?**

**P.S. BTR's gonna be on MARVIN MARVIN! ON February 23****rd****, I think. That's what Wikipedia said. But who can trust that? ;)**

**Peace, Love, and Giraffes,**

**Anonymous Skrtle **


	24. Dreaming

_**Chapter 24**_

Logan was dreaming. He looked around his surroundings, and found himself in a park.

Wait.

The park looked really familiar. A little _too_ familiar.

Then Logan realized. This was the park his family took him to every day when he was little, and sometimes, Kendall, James, and Carlos would be there, too. They'd had so much fun here, and Logan smiled at the distant thought. Having fun. He hadn't done that in a while.

"Logie! Come on!" Logan turned around, and looked up to see a blonde boy calling out to him. Logan looked up and down; he was as tall as a 6 year old.

Wait.

He _was_ a 6 year old right now, and the boy was Kendall. Kendall Knight. Logan eagerly grinned at Kendall, though the real Logan who knew he was dreaming had no control over his actions. It was a flashback. Definitely.

"Coming, Kendall!" Logan called, his feet bringing himself over to where Kendall and James were standing. Looking around, he saw Carlos on his daddy's back, giggling and waving at them. But in Logan's mind, he knew he was too old for piggy-back rides. They were for babies, the 5 year olds, not the 6 year olds. And Logan was 6.

"Carlos! Come play with us!" James called to the youngest boy. His daddy placed him back onto the ground, and he came running towards them, almost tripping.

"Wet's pway tag!" He burst out. Logan smiled in his head; he'd forgotten how cute Carlos's mispronunciations were.

Logan felt a slap on his back. "You're it!" Kendall shouted, giggling as the three of them ran away quickly.

Logan felt his feet start chasing after them, smashing onto the woodchips on the ground. "I'm going to get ya!" He called out, smiling.

Suddenly, he felt himself falling, and for a second, he thought the dream was over. But he was just falling; he'd tripped over his laces. He landed painfully onto the ground, and even though the real Logan couldn't feel any pain in his dreams, the dream Logan started crying.

And just as suddenly as he'd fallen, he felt his three best friends by his side, asking him if he was okay. It was mostly Kendall, though, who'd kneeled down beside him and told him it would be alright.

"Logie, don't cry. Come on, be a big boy. My mommy's coming soon." Kendall said comfortingly. Logan kept on crying.

"You wanna hold my hand? It always makes me feel better when I'm hurt." Kendall added. "Come on, it's alright. I love you, Logie!" Logan was confused. Hold his hand? But wasn't that only was his mommy and daddy did?

But he nodded nonetheless, and Kendall clamped his sweaty palm into Logan's. And for some strange reason, it comforted him. His sobs became sniffles, and soon, it stopped completely.

Logan looked up; saw James with wide eyes, Carlos with his thumb in his mouth, and Mrs. Knight coming towards them, a first aid kit in her hands.

Then everything blurred, and Logan blinked open his eyes. He was back in 2J, in his room, the one he shared with Kendall.

He could still hear an echo of Kendall's voice telling him that it would be alright. That he loved him.

He missed that Kendall. He wanted that Kendall back. The one who wasn't afraid of taking risks, the one who would beat up anyone who touched his friends, the one who comforted his friends when they were hurt or scared.

But that Kendall was gone. And now, Logan had to make the best of it.

The smart boy sighed, getting up and walking out of the room. He had to check on Carlos, see if he was okay. Before, if Carlos was every sick, Kendall would be the first to make sure if he was okay. But now Kendall was oblivious to it all, giggling as he watched cartoons on TV.

Carlos's forehead was still hot, but at least it had cooled down a little. Logan couldn't help but think the only way Carlos could completely heal was if Kendall was okay. That was the only way all of them could heal.

"Carlos, buddy, wake up." Logan gently nudged Carlos's shoulder. The youngest boy whimpered and pulled his blanket closer to his body. Logan sighed, nudging his shoulder with more force. Carlos cracked his eyes open, smiling weakly at Logan.

"Hey, Logie. Is something the matter?" He asked hoarsely.

Logan sighed. "No, I… just had to wake you up to see if you were alright."

"I'm fine. James said he had to go to the mall today to buy some clothes and stuff. You know, f-for Kendall." He looked away, and Logan's heart thumped painfully. Kendall had been asking for toys since the day he came back. The only toys they owned were a few of Carlos's stuffed animals, but none of them wanted to take away something so precious to Carlos and give it to Kendall to do whatever he wanted with it.

"Yeah, I know. You think you'll be fine here on your own?"

Carlos shook his head. "I-I can come with you guys. My fever's pretty much gone, and… and I don't really wanna stay home by myself." He whispered, staring at Logan with his big brown eyes that could melt an ice cube.

Logan slowly nodded. "Yeah… yeah, sure. But make sure you wear a lot and if you ever feel weird or sick or whatever, tell us immediately, and if you're ever tired, then tell us too and we'll go home and make sure-"

Carlos smiled a little. "Logan, I'm fine, you don't have to treat me like a baby." Silence followed, and Logan knew both he and Carlos were thinking the same thing.

_You don't have to treat me like I'm Kendall._

_line line line _

"Kendall, are you ready to go get some toys?" James asked excitedly. Logan was glad to see that at least James still had some enthusiasm for shopping. It had always been one of his favorite things to do.

Kendall giggled, bouncing up and down. "Yep! I'm gonna buy some wollypops!" He squealed. Logan smirked.

"It's pronounced _lollipops_, buddy."

Kendall shrugged. "Whatever. And I'm gonna buy a SpongeBob toy…" Logan zoned out as Kendall continued listing the toys he wanted to buy for himself.

Everything was just so… messed up. It was funny hearing Kendall say things wrong… but then it hit him.

Only little 5 year olds like the Carlos in his dream talked like that. And Kendall was 18. A legal adult. It wasn't funny. It was just sad in a painful, horrible way.

"Logan! Logan!" Logan looked up to see James snapping his fingers in front of his face.

"Oh, sorry. What?"

"Let's go." Logan looked around and saw that somehow, Carlos was there already and all three of his friends were bundled up in coats and scarves. Logan nodded, still in a daze, and pulled his coat on. He followed James outside, making sure Kendall and Carlos's coats were zipped up tight enough.

Kendall ran up to catch up to James, giggling the whole way. Logan was glad no one was there to question it. He still wasn't sure if the people at the Palm Woods really understood what was happening. But it wasn't their fault; it wasn't like Logan had given them an explanation.

"You good, Carlos?" Logan turned to his shorter friend, trying to shake off the thought of explaining to people what had happened. Explaining to Gustavo and Kelly that Big Time Rush couldn't work anymore… explaining to Jo, Kendall's girlfriend that she should just break up with him now before he started accusing her of having cooties.

Carlos sniffled, wiping his nose across the sleeve of his coat. "Yeah, fine." He mumbled softly. Logan nodded, wrapping his arm around Carlos's shoulders. The two caught up to James and Kendall, and they headed off to the mall.

_line line line_

Logan didn't know what was going on.

One second he was walking into the mall entrance, the next he just… he just heard it.

Kendall's voice blasting through the speakers. Logan recognized the song… it was Cover Girl. Kendall had written it, and Logan couldn't help but freeze at hearing his best friend's beautiful voice singing. James Carlos and stopped, too, but Kendall didn't seem to notice.

"Hey, Logan? Are you alright?" Logan heard James's voice, but it seemed worlds away from where he was standing.

_I think you're a superstar, yeah you are, why don't you know?_

Kendall had written that song for his girlfriend, and for so many other people in the world who needed some encouragement, some happiness. And Logan couldn't help but think, once again, that Kendall didn't deserve this. He was kind, sweet, loving… why did this have to happen to him? Out of every single person in the world, why _him?_

Logan's body seemed to freeze, and suddenly, it felt like it was snowing there in the mall. Cold wind seemed to be blowing across his face, and his body trembled like a leaf in the wind.

Kendall Knight. His big brother, his protector, his leader, his best friend, his band mate, his… his everything. It felt like part of him was gone without Kendall, without the real Kendall.

_You wanna hold my hand?_ Logan couldn't shake the dream out of his head.

_ You're the only one that rocks my world…._

_ It always makes me feel better when I'm hurt._

"Logan? Logan, seriously, you're scaring us."

_Don't cry, Logie._ Logan couldn't see anything, could just hear his heavy breathing through the tears and the sounds. Kendall singing. Kendall talking to him as he lay on the ground, bleeding from a fall.

"Logan!" Logan heard someone calling him, calling him from miles and miles away. James, maybe? Carlos? Kendall? Probably not.

"… take him and go… be fine?" Parts of sentences wove their way through Logan's jumbled mind. He felt something dragging him down, down, down… He squeezed his eyes shut, wanting to block it all out. He just wanted everything to go away.

He wanted Kendall back. So bad. Everything was falling apart…

_I love you, Logie._

**A/N- You all know my classic apology. So I don't have to waste words and type it all down here, right? Right. But still… sorry. ;)**

**Anyways, poor Logie, you'll see what happened to him next chapter! **** A lot's gonna happen next chapter, it's gonna be like a turning point for one of them… well, every chapter's a turning point, right? ;)**

**Well, Big Time Rush aren't (or is it 'isn't') on TV recently… so yeah, I'm depressed.**

**But still, I'm still happy enough to say…**

**Peace, Love, and Giraffes!**

**Anonymous Skrtle **


	25. Role Switch

_**Chapter 25**_

"Logan, wait! Where are you going?" James cried as he chased after the short boy running through the mall, pushing person after person out of the way.

Logan had always been the panicky one. Kendall was almost always calm when trouble hit him, James… James was pretty emotionally stable, and Carlos just cried about it. But Logan tried to hide it, tried to run away from people when he felt like breaking down.

James didn't know what had happened when they entered the mall, but he could tell some sort of memory or something stirred in Logan's head. James didn't know where Logan was.

He looked around, scanning the mall. Worry weighed his chest down. He'd left Carlos alone with Kendall, and now Logan was gone, too. Where would he have gone?

James thought for a second. Tried to get into Logan's head and see where someone like him would go.

And then it struck him. _The bookstore._ Logan had always said that the smell of books comforted him. James thought it was strange, but it kind of made sense with Logan. After all, Logan loved reading books. Something you loved always gave you comfort, didn't it?

_No, you love Kendall, but all he causes is pain. He's just a burden…_ James shook away the cruel voice in his head. He _did_ love Kendall, but he wasn't a burden. He wasn't…

A bell jingled as James walked into the bookstore. He headed for the bathrooms, and wasn't surprised to find Logan sitting in one of the bathroom's chairs, his face in his hands.

He wasn't crying, but he was breathing pretty loudly. James closed the bathroom door softly, walking over to sit down next to Logan. "Hey, man." Logan glanced up, but then looked down again.

James sighed. "Dude, what happened? What's wrong?"

For a second, Logan didn't respond. James was afraid he didn't trust him. But then, he sniffled and took a shaky breath. "James… I… had a dream."

James nodded for Logan to go on. "It was that time when we were, like, 6, and… and I fell when we were playing in the park? And Kendall…" Logan trailed off, tears in his eyes.

James waited patiently, knowing where this was headed. "Kendall told me not to cry… cuz he'd get help. A-and he held my hand, and told me…" Logan let out a tiny sob, not able to go on. But James knew what he was about to say.

Kendall had told him he loved him.

Logan buried his face in James's shoulders, and James felt tears in his own eyes. It had been so long since he'd seen his friends smile for real. Too long.

Logan sobbed loudly, trying to keep it in but failing to. "Shh, it's alright, Logan, just let it out. I know it hurts." James soothed him quietly.

Logan sniffled. "I… I just wish it hadn't happened, James…" He whispered softly.

James nodded. "I know, buddy, I know."

They stayed that way for a while, Logan's sobs quietly down and James letting out a few tears of his own. They were all so broken, and James didn't know if they could ever be fixed.

After a while, Logan stood up and smoothed his shirt. "I-I'm sorry… I'm supposed to take care of Kendall and make sure Carlos doesn't get sick again… and here I am crying my eyes out."

James stood up too, putting his hand on Logan's shoulder. "Dude, don't worry about it. It's okay to cry. Hey, my doctor even told me that it's good for you." Logan cracked a tiny smile, and it made James smile, too.

"I just… the dream just felt so real. I mean, it _was _real, but still… it's not real. You know?"

James laughed a little. "Maybe. But I know how you feel, Logan. We all feel it."

Logan smiled. "I can't believe no one's come into the bathroom yet and find us here sobbing like little girls."

James laughed. "Yeah, and I'm glad no one came in." He was also glad to see that Logan was back to normal. Well, as normal as the circumstances allowed them to be.

Logan turned on the sink, splashed water onto his face. "How'd you know to find me here?"

James shrugged. "You always tell us the smell of books comfort you.' He replied simply.

Logan blushed, looking down. "Well, thanks."

Their eyes met for a second, and James had never remembered Logan crying this hard in a long time. "No problem."

"Now how 'bout we get going? I bet Carlos has destroyed the whole mall by now."

_line line line_

Carlos sniffled, wiping his nose on his sleeve. Kendall bounced around happily, saying to "hi" to everyone who came his way in that drunk voice of his. Carlos didn't know what to call it; anyone could tell Kendall… had issues.

"Kendall, buddy, why don't you sit down for a while?" Kendall looked at him for a second. Then, he shook his head.

"No, I wanna buy toys!" He squealed. Carlos nodded.

"I know you do, but I… I don't have to money. We gotta wait until James and Logan come back." Carlos didn't know what had happened with Logan, and he was worried James hadn't found him yet.

Suddenly, he felt Kendall's hand grabbing his, dragging him down the mall. "Woah, Kendall, what are you doing?"

Kendall giggled. "To da toy shop!" He shouted excitedly, and almost crashed into a mom with two babies. Twins, probably.

Carlos tried to slow Kendall down, but Kendall had always been taller and stronger than him. Even now, when his mind wasn't as strong anymore. Finally, Kendall stopped, out of breath.

"Ken…dall," Carlos gasped, trying to catch his breath. "Wait a second. We have… have to wait for James and Logan to come back, remember?"

Kendall looked like he'd just figured something out. "Okay! Okey dokey!" He then turned around and stared at the sky. Carlos sat down, his heart beating fast. He didn't even know where Kendall had dragged him. He'd never been to this part of the mall before. It looked like an alley, and Carlos figured he was probably in the middle of two stores.

The pace was empty, and there was no sign of life. Carlos didn't what motivated Kendall to pull him over here. He probably had no sense of where he was going, either.

"Carlos?" Carlos turned, staring at Kendall, who was staring at him.

"Y-yeah?" Kendall had sounded… normal for a second.

"How old am I?"

Carlos froze. "Why… why'd you ask that?"

Kendall grinned like nothing was wrong. "I saw a bersday cake and it had candles on it. When it's my bersday, how many am I gonna have?"

Carlos didn't know what to tell him. How could he explain to Kendall that was already 18 years old, an _adult_? How would Kendall take that?

Carlos decided to be honest, because he couldn't lie. Especially not to Kendall. "You're… 18 years old. Ten years plus 8."

Kendall seemed to be comprehending this for a few moments. Then he wrinkled his eyebrows. "Dat's old. How old are you and Jamie and Logie?"

"Jamie is 18 too, and Logie's 17. And I'm almost 17. Like, in a few months." Carlos felt like he was talking to a regular person for a second. But then Kendall started laughing like crazy for no good reason, and Carlos was jerked back into the horrible present.

"Look at dose people! Dere eating candy!" Kendall said loudly. Carlos turned and followed his finger. They weren't eating candy. They were smoking. And there was a whole crew of them, maybe five or six.

"Kendall, those people are not good. They're bad guys. We should go, alright?" But Kendall didn't listen.

"Can I have candy? Can I?" He asked, grinning cheerfully. The teenagers turned around, an annoyed look in their eyes. Carlos gulped.

"Come on, Kendall, we really have to go. I'll get you candy. Just come on." Carlos urged the blonde boy softly. But it was too late.

The boys turned around and marched over to where Kendall was bouncing around happily. Carlos bit his lip. _Oh no…_

"Hey, you!" The tallest member of the gang or whatever it was shouted. Kendall turned and waved at them. "Are you retarded or something?" They all laughed, and Carlos felt anger rising up inside him. How _dare_ they call Kendall retarded?

But before he could muster up the courage to say anything, another one of the guys laughed. "He's a retard. Boys, I think we could have some fun with this boy. Right, retard?" He smirked, walking closer towards Kendall and Carlos.

Carlos whipped his phone out with trembling hands. He searched James's number up on the contact list, and was just about to press the call button, when he felt someone grab his wrist.

"Put that phone down." The voice was so ice cold that Carlos widened his eyes and gulped again. But he held the phone tightly in his hands.

The guy scoffed. "Fine, if you don't listen…" He grabbed the phone out of Carlos's hand and smashed it into the ground with his shoe. "There. All done."

"Hey! That's my phone!" Carlos protested, though he knew there was nothing he could do about it.

One of the guys with a nose piercing laughed. "Don't worry, you Mexicans are cheap anyways. You Papi can get you a new one." He sneered. Carlos balled up his fists, but then stopped. He couldn't fight these people. They were all taller than him by quite a lot, and there were 5 of them.

"Can I have some of your candy?" Kendall suddenly piped up. He didn't even have a clue as to what was going on.

One of the guys laughed. "Sure. Kevin, hit him." The Kevin guy grabbed a cigar out of his pocket. He laughed, lighting it up.

"Wait, stop! Don't give him that! H-he doesn't know any better!" Carlos said, his voice small. Kevin shrugged.

"Fine. Then why don't you eat the candy for him?" He sneered, his eyes glaring.

Carlos looked down at his shoes. "Just… just leave us alone."

The boys laughed. It was cruel and mocking, and it made Carlos feel uncomfortable. He grabbed Kendall's shoulder, and started to pull him away.

"Oh, you're not leaving, little guy. You and your retarded friend can stay right here. Unless you want this to be harder than it is." Carlos froze at the man's whisper. They were in serious trouble.

The leader, or who Carlos thought was the leader, stepped up. The boys slowly cornered him, an evil look in their eyes. "Looks like we were lucky to stumble on you guys." The leader said.

Carlos shrunk back as far as he could. He knew what was coming.

Sure enough, the guy brought his fist back and punched Carlos right in the face. Carlos felt the breath knocked out of him, and he couldn't help the whimper that escaped his lips.

"Aw, what's wrong? You couldn't take it? Let's see if little retard here can."

"N-no, stop!" Carlos cried. The leader froze, his fist in midair. He turned around and pulled Carlos up by the shirt.

"Don't tell me what to do, _spic_." He practically spit the insult, and Carlos squeezed his eyes shut. But instead of feeling more pain, he felt the guy put him down.

Carlos grabbed Kendall's shoulder, instinctively shielding himself behind his older friend. Kendall had always protected him before from mean people like these guys. But then he realized that Kendall couldn't do that anymore.

_He_ had to stand up for Kendall.

And for the first time in his life, Carlos stood in front of Kendall, defiance shining in his eyes. He would _not_ let Kendall get hurt.

One of the guys laughed. "Oh look! The retard's trying to stand up for his even bigger retard of a friend!" The boys laughed again. Carlos tried to tune it out.

The leader drew his face in closer to Carlos's. His breath reeked of cigarette smoke and alcohol. "Listen to me, you idiot. And listen to me well." He grabbed Carlos and slammed him into the brick wall. Carlos felt his body go limp, and he fell to the ground.

"Your retarded friend is a waste of space. No one needs him, no one wants him, and he should just be killed. Murdered. Drowned. S-" Carlos didn't why, but suddenly, he couldn't take it anymore. Them calling Kendall a retard. A waste of space. Kendall, his best friend, big brother, his savior, his leader.

Anger burst inside his chest, and he stood up, raised his fist, and punched the man right in the face. The man barely stumbled, but anger and disgust was written all over his face. Carlos knew he'd suffer the consequences, but he didn't regret it at all.

"You little beaner, how dare you punch me! You think you stand a chance against all of us?" He spit on the ground, cracked his knuckles.

"Well, I'll prove you wrong. Guys, everyone gets two hits out of this spic." Carlos trembled, fear overtaking him.

10 hits, but it felt like a hundred. Two kicks in the stomach, two in the ribs, five punches to his face, and in his stomach. After they were done with him, Carlos felt like he'd just learned twenty new insulting names for Hispanic people, and that he'd just been a punching bag for a boxer.

The leader, who in the midst of all the pain Carlos discovered was named Jerry, sighed in satisfaction. "Serves you right, you worthless little boy." Carlos was on his knees, gasping for air and in pain. He could barely see through his tears.

"Now, just one last thing." Carlos could barely comprehend what was happening until he heard Kendall start wailing. They'd done something to him. They'd hurt Kendall. But Carlos was in too much pain, too weak to do anything about it.

And maybe that was what hurt the most.

"Alright, we better get going now, but don't forget: You and you're retard buddy are just wastes of space. No one needs you. I suggest you just bring him with you and hop on back to where you came from." Carlos heard the laughs slowly vanish, and he cracked open on of his swollen eyes.

"K-Kendall…" Kendall was whimpering, but Carlos couldn't see any damage done to him. He almost sighed in relief. At least he'd protected Kendall, at least a little bit.

"Y-You all…alright?" Carlos gasped at the pain in his chest when he shifted his position a little. Kendall whimpered, but then looked sad for a moment.

"I just want candy…"

**A/N- Okay… So you got a little bit of Logan whump and Jagan bromance/hurt/comfort thingy, and you saw Carlos getting beat up and Kendall being called a retard. Gosh. So much hate in one chapter, huh?**

**Anyways, watching BTR on Marvin Marvin on Saturday! At least, I think it's Saturday… But anyways, vote for BTR on the KCA's and Carlos for Best TV Actor (cuz, you know, he just got beat up)! **

**Oh, and the racist slurs I used… please don't take offense to it. I don't really think that in real life, it's just a story… yep. **

**Peace, Love, and Giraffes,**

**Anonymous Skrtle **


	26. Normal

_**Chapter 26**_

Kendall stood up, brushing the dirt off his pants, staring at the boy lying on the ground. Sticky red stuff was painted on his face, and his eyes had somehow turned black and blue.

Carlos, that was his name. Kendall remembered somewhere far off in his head that Carlos wore a helmet all the time. But he didn't see it now. He remembered Carlos telling him he was… seventeen. And that he was eighteen. That was one apart from seventeen.

Carlos was one… one _something_ apart from him; Kendall just didn't know what it was called.

He remembered the big mean boys who came up to them and started laughing. Kendall didn't know what was so funny, but it hurt when they pushed him down. The… his hand hurt. He just wanted a lollipop. Was that why they hurt him? Because he wanted candy?

Maybe Carlos hurt too. Cuz he wasn't awake, maybe he was asleep because he was tired. Maybe Kendall should go get the other two boys… Kendall and Logan, those were their names, right? No, wait. Kendall was _his_ name. It was James and Logan. And maybe they could wake Carlos up.

Because when Kendall tried prodding Carlos with his foot, he didn't move. Kendall looked around, not knowing where to go. He didn't remember how he got there. But he turned right, since right was always right, right?

He needed to help Carlos. He was hurt.

He walked down the alley, giggling at the birds that chirped at him. Birds were so funny. But he still couldn't find Logan. Or James. He kept on forgetting that name. He heard a crack behind him… what if it was a monster?

Somewhere in his head, he remembered something about a boogie monster. It was the scariest thing on the world. Maybe the boogie monster had made that sound.

Kendall started running, and he was surprised at how fast he could go. He almost crashed into a person, but the man moved out of the way at the last second.

He stopped, out of breath. He looked around again. He saw a rock spitting out water like a river. This was the place they came from, Kendall was sure of it.

He was sure of it.

"Kendall?" Kendall heard the voice; it felt like it was coming up from the sky. But when he turned around, he saw the short one, Logan, smiling at him. Logan's eyes were red. His hair was messed up.

"Logie!" Kendall squealed. Sometimes, he felt like he couldn't control what he said. Because if he could, he wouldn't have squealed. Carlos was hurt.

"Logie, I… he needs help." Kendall blurted out, his eyes wandering around the mall, landing on a little bird on a branch.

Logan looked worried. "Who? Who needs help?" By this time, the James boy had joined them, and he looked like Logan, too. Worried.

But the bird looked really pretty, and Kendall kept on staring at it.

"Kendall? Kendall, buddy, who's hurt?"

Kendall looked back towards them. _Carlos was hurt. _"Carlos. He's sleeping." That _was_ what he was doing, right? Sleeping because it hurt too much to bear when he was awake?

James widened his eyes. "Where is he?"

Kendall frowned. He'd forgotten how to get back. But then he remembered… they were going to the candy store, right? "I think… by da store with lollipops."

James pulled Kendall along as he and Logan ran towards the destination. Kendall was confused; why were they so determined to wake Carlos up so fast? If he was tired, why won't they just let him sleep?

But then he remembered: Carlos was hurt. Just like how it felt when… when Kendall got pushed over. Wait… who had pushed him over again?

Before he could think about it anymore, they'd gotten there. Kendall pointed at the alley between the store and another one, and heard James and Logan's heavy breathing.

And when James and Logan gasped in shock, Kendall knew something bad had happened.

He just didn't get what it was.

_line line line_

"We'll be there in five minutes, alright sweetie? Don't worry."

"Th-thanks… please hurry up, alright?"

"We'll get there as fast as we can."

Logan hung up, his body numb with shock. How had… what… he couldn't even comprehend what was happening.

Carlos was hurt, and Logan didn't know how it happened. Well, no one did. Except for the person or thing who did it, and…

And Kendall.

James looked up from his kneeling position on the ground. "Aw, man, whoever did this beat him up real bad. I'm gonna _kill_ them."

Kendall suddenly whimpered. James looked back, glanced at Kendall, and muttered "Sorry, Kendall". He was scaring the blonde boy, but who could blame him?

James stood up. "Kendall, who did this to him?" He demanded. Kendall shrunk back, his eyes wide.

Logan grabbed James's shoulder. "Dude, you've gotta calm down. You're scaring him. It wasn't his fault." But then Logan saw the blood on Kendall's knuckles… the blood…

That's where you bled after you punched someone in the face.

Logan shook his head. Kendall _couldn't_ have done this. Maybe the people who had done stuff to Carlos also did it to Kendall. Just not as much.

Logan decided never to mention what he'd just thought.

James signed. "I… I know. I'm sorry, Kendall. But do you know who… who hurt Carlos?" Kendall looked confused for a moment, and then something seemed to come back to him.

"I… I know." Kendal whispered.

James shared a glance with Logan. "Yeah? Who was it?"

But Kendall just breathed harder. "I know… I know, I know, I know!" He said loudly, tears in his eyes.

James grabbed Kendall and shook him gently by the shoulders. "Kendall, buddy, please. Tell us who did this to Carlos."

Kendall's eyes seemed to zone back to the world. "Boys. Big, mean boys. They were eating candy."

Logan looked up at James, who had gone a little pale. "I… thanks, Kendall. Here, why don't we get you some candy after… after…"

"After Carlos gets taken away to the hospital, alright?" Logan piped in. Kendall looked confused.

"Hospital? Wh-why does Carlos needa hospital?" He asked innocently.

"He… he's hurt, Kendall. But don't worry, the doctors are going to get him better." Kendall nodded, probably not understanding everything.

Once the ambulance came, Logan turned to James. "Can you stay and buy Kendall candy? We… I'll meet you at the hospital. The one near Palm Woods, alright?"

James nodded, trying to smile. "Yeah, I'll see ya."

Kendall's eyes brightened when he saw the candy shop. "Yay! Candy!" He practically squealed. James was almost comforted by how happy Kendall was. It was strange, actually, Kendall being so happy. Kendall wasn't usually so full of emotion… and James wasn't really used to this.

Well, he wasn't used to _any_ of this.

But when he opened the door to the candy shop, hearing the jingle of the bells, he knew he had to stay strong for Kendall.

After all, who didn't like candy?

_line line line_

Logan cringed as he read the horribly long list of Carlos's injured the doctor had handed him along with the medical bills. Three broken ribs, a broken nose, a broken cheekbone, and a broken shoulder.

It was a good thing Gustavo had the money to pay their health bills.

Kendall had said boys had done this to Carlos. And Logan knew he wasn't at all threatening, or even the least bit intimidating, but he was willing to go up to those boys and punch some sense into them.

And why was it that Kendall barely had a scratch on him, except for the blood on his hands? It made Kendall sound guilty of hurting Carlos, but Logan wouldn't believe that. He couldn't. Kendall couldn't have done that.

Kendall wouldn't have.

Carlos stirred a little in the stretcher, and one of the paramedics leaning over and whispered something in his ear. Carlos whimpered a little and fell back into unconsciousness.

Logan lost his trail of thought, instead choosing to look out the small window of the ambulance. Everything went by so fast, and Logan was getting a little nauseous riding in this ambulance that was driving by so fast.

Everything was just coming and going so fast, weren't they?

How was James doing with Kendall? Logan had been so quick to put James in charge of Kendall because…

Because he didn't want to have to do it.

Every time Kendall giggled in a way teenage boys like Kendall should never giggle, and whenever he zoned out and never understood a thing, made Logan all the more aware of how broken their friend had become.

It seemed like millions of years ago when Kendall had ignored Logan when he advised him so carefully to not take it too hard out on the ice. He'd gone and did exactly what Logan had warned him not to do.

Why didn't Kendall _ever_ listen to him?

Why, for once, couldn't Kendall just _stop_ and _think_ about what he was doing? Why couldn't he be less stubborn?

If he'd listened, none of this would be happening.

Logan wouldn't be sitting here worrying his butt off for his friends, and Carlos wouldn't be lying on a stretcher, almost on the verge of death itself.

Everything would be okay. Everything would be normal.

Logan sighed as the ambulance pulled to a stop. As the paramedics loaded Carlos off and into the hospital and Logan followed suit, he realized something.

This _was_ normal now.

**A/N- So… yeah… not such an action filled chapter, but ya know… Spring Break for me starts this Friday, so I may update faster! **

**And I'm SO excited for the Kid's Choice Awards! **** I can't wait! Who's watching it? I wouldn't miss it for anything (almost anything). ;)**

**Well, anyways, review please? If it sucked, you can tell me. I'm a big girl, I can take it now. (btw, has anyone listened to "Big Girls Don't Cry" by Fergie? IN LOVE. **

**Peace, Love, and Giraffes,**

**Anonymous Skrtle **


	27. Recovering?

_**Chapter 27**_

"My favorite lollipop color is red, cuz it always tastes like cherry and something else… what's your favorite, Jamie?" James blinked out of his trance, not hearing a word Kendall had just said.

He forced a smile. "What was that, Kendall?"

Kendall didn't seem to hear him. Instead, the blonde boy ran over to the lollipop section, grabbing a handful and running back towards James. "Jamie! I got some candy!"

James heard a few people snickering. He whipped his head around and saw a few boys about their age standing by and laughing at Kendall. James clenched his fists together; what if these were the boys who had hurt Carlos?

Carlos. That was all that was on James's mind right now. What had happened with him? Why had they left Kendall alone? Was he even there when it happened? Well, obviously he was, since he told them boys had hurt Carlos.

But-

"James, come on! Let's go pay!" Kendall dragged James by the hem of his shirt. James stumbled along to catch up with Kendall's speed. The cashier quickly checked the candy out, and James paid.

As he and Kendall walked out of the store, he heard someone whisper "Look, it's that retard again."

James thought he saw red in his vision. He pushed Kendall out the door, who was too busy sucking on his lollipop to notice what was about to happen.

James whipped around, spotting the group of boys. There were three of them, all with smirks on their faces. James stalked on over to them, his breathing getting heavy.

"Who're you calling a retard?" James shouted, catching the attention of a few customers. The three boys watched James, not even flinching.

James would make them flinch.

"Huh? Answer me." James towered over the boys, who were at least half a head shorter than him.

One of the boys answered. "We're calling your retarded friend a retard. You got a problem with that?"

James drew his fist back and punched the boy in the face. The two other boys saw this and quickly ran over to the check outs, screaming in protest.

James shoved the remaining boy backwards. "Yeah, I do got a problem with that." Then he turned and walked out the door.

"Come on, Kendall. Let's go."

"What happened, Jamie?"

"Nothing, Kendall. Just had to get rid of some trash."

_line line line _

Logan hated this.

He hated all of it.

Kendall getting messed up in the head, Carlos getting beat up by some unknown jerks, James… James not being James anymore.

He just wanted it to end. But Logan knew better than that.

Bad things went by slow.

It had only been a few weeks, but Logan felt like this had been his whole life. He hated it, hated it so much. He would do anything to get things back to the way it was before. Anything.

Logan sighed, his head in his hands.

The doctors said it wouldn't be long before Carlos woke up, that his injuries weren't life threatening, but that he'd have to wear a cast on his arm and he would be in pain for a couple of days. Logan was lucky that was all he suffered

He wondered how James was taking all of this. Logan would've broken down already if he were the one who had to take care of Kendall at the candy shop. He didn't know how James did it. James stuck strong throughout the whole… thing, and Logan admired him for that.

He wouldn't have been able to do the same.

When Carlos stirred, Logan almost didn't notice. He was too deep in thought. Thinking about what, it wasn't even clear to him.

"L-Logan?" Logan looked up, scared for a second, wondering who had called his name. His heartbeat slowed down when he saw it was just Carlos, but then sped up again because Carlos had woken up.

."Carlos!" Logan stood up so fast his chair almost toppled backwards. "Carlos, you're awake!"

Carlos winced a little, then looked at Logan. "Is Kendall a-alright?"

Logan nodded. "Yeah, he's fine. What happened to you, Carlos?" Logan asked urgently. Carlos looked away.

"I… Logie…" Carlos trailed off, tears in his eyes. Logan put his hand on Carlos's unbroken shoulder. Carlos seemed to relax a little at his touch.

"J-just some boys in that alley near… near the candy shop. How-how did you guys find me?" Carlos got out, his voice weak but clear.

"Kendall found us and led us there." Logan just then realized how miraculous that was. Kendall had found them. Then remembered where Carlos was. The fact that Kendall even knew something was wrong was remarkable.

Maybe Kendall could get better, after all.

Carlos smiled. "That's amazing."

Logan nodded. "Yeah, I know. Didn't realize it until now, though." The two were silent for a few minutes, other than the sound of Carlos's heavy breathing.

"You okay, buddy? You look horrible, no offense. Doctor says you have a few broken ribs and a broken shoulder, so you have to wear a cast. And…" Logan trailed off, not wanting to continue.

Carlos nodded for him to go on. "You're face is all busted up."

Carlos brought a hand up to his face, and the slightest touch made him flinch a little in pain. "Ow. Those stupid boys." He said quietly.

Logan's eyes widened a little. "Did you know who they were?"

Carlos shook his head. "Never seen them in my life. But they were doing drugs, a-and I just… I had to protect Kendall, you know? Is he hurt?"

Logan stared at Carlos's busted face. Carlos, his little brother, had stood up for Kendall when no one else was there to. He'd gotten beat up for Kendall, and yet he didn't seem to be worried about himself.

"Carlos… Kendall's fine, and it's all thanks to you. I-I'm so proud of you, Carlos… I don't even know if I could have done something like that." Logan whispered. Carlos smiled a little.

"You could have, Logie, if it were for Kendall. I know you would have. I thought I couldn't either, but… I did." Carlos said quietly. Just then, James and Kendall come stomping into the room, their clothes wet from the rain Logan didn't even know had started pouring.

"Carlos! You're awake!" James ran over and tried to hug Carlos, but instead just patted his head. "Are you alright?"

Carlos nodded, but his eyes were on Kendall. Kendall stared back, and for a moment, it was like he understood what had happened.

But then his eyes brightened and he said, "I got candy! Look what Jamie got me! The red one!" Kendall squealed excitedly. Logan still wasn't used to that sound.

Kendall bounced over to where Carlos was lying and grinned. Then he seemed to calm down and whispered something into Carlos's ear. Carlos's eyes widened, and he seemed to have trouble breathing.

Kendall bounced back to where he had been standing, and sat down in one of the plastic hospital chairs. Carlos moved his body, but cried out in pain when he did. Logan and James rushed over to comfort him, and Kendall just watched.

"Carlos, are you alright? Do you need us to get a doctor?" Carlos just shook his head, his eyes still wide.

"I-I'm fine. Just… hurts. Do I still have to stay here overnight?"

James nodded. "Yeah, doctor said probably for the next few days. You're in no shape to go home, even I know that, and I'm not a genius doctor like Logan."

Logan rolled his eyes. "I'm technically not a doctor, James."

James shrugged. "Whatever. What did Kendall say to you?"

Carlos froze, his eyes wide again. "I… Kendall… he told me that…" His eyes traveled to where Kendall was sitting, his head against the wall, his eyes closed. He was about to fall asleep, the lollipop still in his mouth.

When Kendall didn't start snoring, Carlos looked back at them. "He told me… 'thanks for saving my life.'"

No one spoke for a long time. Logan thought he could hear the beating of his heart. He thought James and Carlos could hear it, too.

James stood up, a strange look in his eyes. Logan couldn't read it. He couldn't read any of the emotions on his friends' faces.

"What if… what if he's getting better?" James whispered, his voice trembling.

No one said a word.

**A/N- I'm sorry for the slow update, you guys know the drill… but I hope this chapter kinda made up for it… not one of my best ones, not really any action. But I'm hoping the next chapters will be more interesting.**

**Review maybe, guys? And once again, sorry for this slow update. I'm still trying to brainstorm ideas for the next chapter, so bear with me. ;)**

**Peace, Love, and Giraffes,**

**Anonymous Skrtle **


	28. Nighttime Worries

_**Chapter 28**_

Mrs. Knight brushed the blonde hair out of Kendall's face. Just two months ago, Kendall would have pushed her away, embarrassed. But now, Kendall just snored loudly, making a tiny whimper in his sleep.

"I love you, Kendall. Mommy loves you." Mrs. Knight whispered softly, tears in her eyes. Kendall whimpered in response.

Mrs. Knight didn't really get it. Why Kendall? Why Kendall, her sweet, loving, protective, son? Why him?

Don't get her wrong, Mrs. Knight would _never_ wish something like this on someone else. Even if someone could trade places with Kendall, she would never agree to it. This was too horrible for someone else to go through.

It was too horrible to even occur.

So why did the world allow it? And even more so, why did the world laugh at it?

Carlos had just come out of the hospital yesterday, and that was the question Mrs. Knight kept on playing in her mind. Why would someone laugh at something as horrible as this?

She would never, _ever, _find mental retardation funny in any situation. Never. Who would be so cruel as to ridicule her caring son? And who would be cruel enough to beat sweet little Carlos up for being brave and standing up for what was right?

She knew the world was cruel, but this… this was just too much for her to bear.

Every night, Mrs. Knight would cry herself to sleep. She just hated everything. She hated what the world had done to her poor son, she hated the people in the world who laughed at their misfortunes.

Mrs. Knight sat down next to Carlos's sleeping form as she entered the room he shared with James. The bed squeaked a little, but neither boy stirred. Mrs. Knight brushed her fingers through Carlos's ink black hair, sighing. "I'm sorry, baby…"

She just wished she could be a better guardian, a better mom, to these boys. It had been two months and already, Carlos was in the hospital, James and Logan weren't talking as much, and Kendall was…

Mrs. Knight sighed again. She just wanted to hold Carlos and James and Logan and Kendall in her arms and cradle them like she did when they were little kids. She still remembered the feeling of holding Kendall in her arms when he fell and broke his leg.

She remembered the feeling so well.

Mrs. Knight was so deep into her thoughts that she didn't notice someone putting their hand on her shoulder.

"M-Mrs. Knight?" Mrs. Knight let out a little yelp of surprise, turning around. She relaxed when she saw who it was. James.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you." James said, looking away. His bangs fell over his face, and Mrs. Knight couldn't help but smile.

"It's alright, sweetie. Is something wrong?"

James shrugged. "It's just… you always seem so sad all the time and… and I hate seeing you like that."

Mrs. Knight wanted to cry. James, who used to be so self-conceited, now couldn't sleep knowing that someone was sad.

Maybe some things had changed for the better.

But Mrs. Knight felt guilty thinking that right after she thought it.

"James… you're so kind, but… there's really nothing you can do."

James smiled back a little. "I know it's hard, Mrs. Knight, but… he's still the same. You can tell. S-sometimes, when we watch hockey on TV, you can see that he's really into it. He's still the same person, just…"

"Different?" Mrs. Knight finished. James nodded sheepishly, and they both chuckled.

"Well, maybe he's not all the same, but if you look deep enough, you can see the real him. It's still there, I'm sure of it." James said confidently.

Mrs. Knight nodded sadly. "I know, honey… it's just that I don't want to have to look deep to find him." She admitted. She didn't why, but she felt like she could throw all her worries onto James, and he would catch them and take care of them.

It was probably all that confidence he had inside of him. Whatever he said etched into her mind and made her believe it 100 percent.

James sat down next to her. "I know, Mrs. Knight, I don't either. But… look on the bright side, like Carlos always does." They both turned to stare at the youngest boy, tiny smiles on their faces.

"I just can't believe someone would make fun of Kendall like that. My sweet baby… and why someone would do… would to _this_ to Carlos." Mrs. Knight choked out, gesturing at the various bruises and cuts on Carlos's body.

James pulled her in for a half hug. "Don't cry, Mrs. Knight. I don't know why either. But… at least Kendall's still alive. You've still got us, right? Aren't we like your other three sons that you've never had?"

Mrs. Knight sniffled a little. "Oh, James… I don't know what I would do without you." James blushed, smiling back.

"We're all in this together, Mrs. Knight." James stated firmly.

Mrs. Knight shook her head. "You don't have to call me that. Just call me Jennifer, sweetie. You're an adult now, James. And I would like to treat you as one."

James beamed at her. "So I don't have to be polite anymore?"

Mrs. Knight laughed. "Anymore? You've never shown me any respect." She laughed jokingly.

James rolled his eyes. "Whatever. Hey, it's midnight. Maybe you should go to sleep." He suggested.

Mrs. Knight smiled at him lovingly. "Oh, James… you've changed so much. I would never have thought you'd be the one telling me to go to sleep. Maybe Logan, but never you."

"Well, things change." James replied. "Good night, Jennifer."

Mrs. Knight leaned over and kissed James on the cheek. "Good night, sweetheart."

_line line line_

Logan couldn't sleep. He heard James and Mrs. Knight talking over in the room next to his, but he didn't want to join in.

This wasn't the first day he'd lay awake in his bed, feeling the emptiness of the room without Kendall. Kendall and Kendall's bed had been moved over to Mrs. Knight and Katie's room. He kept on waking up at night screaming obscenities that none of them understood.

He'd sit up, wide-eyed, and Logan would be woken up just as he had finally fallen asleep. No one understood a word Kendall was saying, but when he felt someone's hands on him, comforting him with a touch, he calmed down.

Even though he kept him up all night, Logan wanted Kendall back in his room. They had always been roommates ever since they moved to the Palm Woods. He was used to listening to Kendall's loud snoring and his snorts in his sleep.

But now all Logan could hear was the empty silence.

Logan sat up and glanced at the clock. 1:45. Of course.

He was almost positive he couldn't fall asleep, so he got up and walked out of the room. He went to the kitchen to get some water, but as he was walking back to another dreaded hour of lying awake, he heard James and Mrs. Knight.

"You're an adult now, James. And I would like to treat you as one." Logan heard Mrs. Knight say lovingly. Logan froze, his heart beating faster. James had turned 18 a few months back… none of them had even mentioned it.

James's 18th birthday was supposed to be special. Logan remembered him saying it was just as important as his Sweet 16. But he had probably spent it in the hospital.

And Kendall… oh, Kendall… he was 18 by now, too… and he had spent his 18th birthday at the hospital, too. He had spent it with the new Kendall, and not the old Kendall.

Logan was 18 soon too, and though he didn't think he'd be back at the hospital any time soon, he still didn't think his 18th would be a good one.

They were all growing up. But Kendall… he couldn't grow up along with him, like a normal teenager got to do. In his mind, he stayed a kid, a little kid. And he would probably never grow up.

Logan had always known Kendall would be successful in his life, no matter what he did. He excelled at hockey and could, with no doubt, make it into the Minnesota Wilds as center, he was clever, and he was smart. Not book smart, but street smart.

But did that now all come to a waste?

It hit Logan like a hammer to the chest. Kendall would _never_ grow up with them.

Logan was never quite able to accept the truth. The grim reality of the situation. So every time he reminded himself of it, he literally felt his heart cracking in half.

But then when he woke up, he'd see his other two best friends, get calls from his family, and receive letters from the fans. The fans, who didn't care what had happened to Kendall. They still loved him, and Big Time Rush, for who they were.

Logan wished the people who had taunted Kendall were like their loyal fans.

Yeah, he wished a lot of things, but he knew most of them probably wouldn't come true.

Logan fell asleep that night in ten minutes. But he cried himself to sleep this time.

**A/N- OMG… I just realized I haven't updated this in like, ONE MONTH! And I sincerely, deeply, apologize. But I will never give up on this story… just not getting that inspiration as of now… but you know, it'll come. And wasn't James the sweetest thing in this chapter! :)**

**I'm trying to finish this up by next month, since I'm going to China then. And won't be back for one month… but I guess you're all used to waiting that long for the next update, huh? ;)**

**Anyways, review please! And BTBonus is on Thursday! **** Everyone tune in if you can! **

**Peace, Love, and Giraffes,**

**Anonymous Skrtle **


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